Top Tune #7

I haven't written one of these posts in a long while. I typically wait until I hear a song that jumps out at me and really gets my old brain churning. (Plus, Amber made a suggestion that reminded me of this. Thanks, Amber!) This particular Top Tune is brought to you by life and death, love and loss. I don't think I could ever really put into words what it means to me.

But I will try. So here's the short version.

When Roy and I first started dating, one of the things we did a lot of was watch TV on DVD. One of the shows we watched from beginning to end together was Six Feet Under. It's a heavy show, but it quickly proved itself one of my absolute favorites. For one, it's dark and sad, but I love dark and sad. Two, it's so incredibly funny, and I dig that, too. Three, the show offers some of the best acting and writing I've ever seen. And lastly, and most importantly, the show unapologetically explores what it means to be alive and what it means to face death. I love the gritty reality contained in each episode.

I remember when Roy and I were watching the finale for season three, and I was just bawling my head off, and I remember wondering if Roy was going to think I was a crazy freak for crying so much. (We were still in that stage of our relationship, you see.) But you know, instead of acting like any other guy and being all awkward or telling me how overly emotional I am, Roy just held me while I sobbed over these fictional characters. I think he understood that the show had become more than just entertainment to me, that it had crossed over into something that had deeply affected me, and that I could see myself in so many of the characters. It felt like the whole damn show had been written about me. Roy, in his unassuming way, has always understood me. He was happy to hold my hand as I stared at this family and saw my own within it. (The main character Nate even was afflicted with the same type of brain tumor as my dad!)

That was in 2005, and recently, sometime around the time Jewelyn died, I started rewatching the entire series again. This time around, I laughed more and cried less. But there were tears, let me assure you. Because how can you not cry when you are, once again, confronted head on with a family that so painfully resembles your own, with characters who so wonderfully speak all the words you can't say?

The song that ended the series was the song that became ours, and we danced to it at our wedding for our first dance. The song is inexplicably tied up with my memories of the beginnings of my relationship with Roy, our wedding, my family, my ever-complicated feelings about my parents, my own wishes for Charlie, my fears of death, and finally, my fears of life.

The only thing I can make of it all is that if you can find someone who does what this song says, you are one lucky person. And I have. And so I am.



Breathe Me by Sia

(Not sure what's up with all the Britney footage, but the song is right and I couldn't embed the original "Breathe Me" video. Click here to see the real video.)

Lyrics:

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me