Little Boys Love Their Mommies

That's pretty much what people always tell you once they find out you're having a boy, that little boys love their mommies.

Charlie and I had quite the time of it bonding in the beginning. I loved him from the start, of course - I thought he was absolutely perfect and I would have done anything for him. But I was scared of him. I had no idea who he really was and yet I was supposed to meet his every need. Imagine being scared of a tiny little baby! It seems ridiculous, right? I think it's because no matter what I did, there were times when he would just scream and be inconsolable. It's such a powerless feeling - to listen to your baby scream and not know what to do. I was more than happy to let Roy do the soothing, to pass Charlie along to family members so I could have a break.

I truly didn't fall into motherhood easily. It seems like so many other mothers just ease into it naturally, but it wasn't like that for me. I used to think that made me a huge failure, but now I understand that everyone's path is different. Some women feel that glow of warm happiness descend on them almost immediately after giving birth. But for me, I had to work for that feeling. I had to work hard to make myself into a mother. (But actually, I think time did most of the work.)

I'd always wanted to have kids, so needless to say, I was shocked at how alienated I felt from my own baby for awhile there. I was so scared of dropping him, hurting him, and in general, I was feeling pretty shell-shocked after his birth and my life completely changing.

But finally, after almost two months, I began to feel like Charlie and I were really bonding. And from that point on, I've never really had to doubt that I'm the one he prefers. (Well, he prefers Roy, too.) Let me tell you, there is no better feeling than the one you get when you see your baby looking anxiously around a crowded room for you like Charlie did at his birthday party mere hours ago. It's not that I get happy at seeing him perturbed, but knowing that I have the power to make him feel better when he's upset is pretty damn intoxicating. It makes all the crap from this past year totally and completely worth it.

I am his mother, and that is something that no one can ever take from me.