As Charlie enters into his eighth week of life, I feel reborn.
Charlie and I had a fabulous time together this past week. While I've always enjoyed spending time with him, last week was different. It was more about fun and less about just making it through to the weekend. More about enjoying him and less about doubting myself. While there were times I questioned my ability as a parent and times I wondered if I would ever be able to move on, by the end of the week it became obvious to me that I had turned a corner.
Ever since Charlie was born, I've always had the sneaking suspicion that I haven't been able to bond with him fully - for a myriad of reasons. In the hospital and the first few weeks home, I was trying so desperately to gain my footing as a parent, while existing under the cloud of despair that followed my birth experience. When he turned one month old, things had begun to look up. It wasn't all "gush gush gush I am so in love with my baby and I feel so fulfilled as a mother gush gush gush," but it was a definite improvement.
But now? Wow. What a difference some time can make. I have always loved Charlie, even when he was a tiny little peanut growing in my ute, but now I have completely and truly fallen hard for my little man. I think it has much to do with his leaving the newborn stage behind and becoming a happy, interactive, flippin' adorable infant. My hormones are balancing out, and my emotions are getting under control. I'm learning how to accept the things that I cannot change and how to be comfortable with myself as a mother.
As a result, I just cannot get enough of my little guy now. Back when I spoke with the crazy Le Leche League lady on the phone, she said that Charlie and I needed to have a babymoon, meaning we needed to stay in bed together for three days and have a chance to fall in love with each other. I thought she was batshitcrazy. I still do, kind of. But I understand what she was saying, that we needed a chance to really bond. As much as I hate to admit it, I think she was right (in that regard - and only in that regard).
Because, hello! I think we've finally reached the bonding stage. And what a sweet stage it is.
Here's to falling in love. Again and again.