Sing it with me now.

Our lovely little Mao is one year old today. There's no better way to celebrate than to pull out some pictures from the ol' archives (and to sing a little birthday song).



Happy birthday to yoooooooooooooou



Happy birthday to yoooooooooooooou



Happy birthday, dear Maozers



Happy birthday to you!

A-Birthin' We Will Go...

We are leaving to go to the hospital soon so I can be induced so we can (hopefully) bring home our baby boy. I say "hopefully" because I am afraid that the induction will fail and they'll tell me to come back in a couple of days. I haven't really been feeling right the past couple of days, and I'm pretty sure that I'm having real contractions. I might even be in early labor at this point - it's really hard to say. I have been really uncomfortable, though - but I wouldn't say that I've been in pain.

My birthday was low-key but great, and it included a bracelet from Roy, a nice lunch at Citrus City Grille, a trip to the movies to see Up, a long nap, and then the usual Sunday night family dinner with gifts (yay!) and chocolate cake (yay!) as added bonuses. Thanks to everyone who emailed, texted, called, and commented to wish me a happy birthday - you guys are simply fabulous!

There aren't a lot of pics from today, but here are a couple that I like:





I just love my kitties!

I've been a big ball of nervous energy since getting home from family dinner. I've been doing laundry and dishes and making sure that we have everything we need and that everything is clean. When we walk back into our house again, everything is going to be different. So right now I'm taking a moment to soak things up as they are. It's a good life I've got and one that is going to become even better once Charlie makes his entrance into the world. I am so excited!

Here's Charlie's last picture in utero, taken on Friday. It's a profile shot, and you can see his hand near his mouth:



Thanks for sharing in this journey with me. I'm sorry if I've been an insufferable bore this whole time with all the pregnancy posts. But truthfully, the last 9+ months have been nothing short of amazing, and well, I just like sharing.

I'll update as soon as I can - hopefully with some pictures of our outside baby.

Things I Don't Want

1) I don't want to turn 30.

Last year, when I turned 29, I had this vague notion in my head that went something like this: "Hey, next year I'm going to be 30. How 'bout that?" When I found out I was pregnant and due at the end of May, I was pretty sure that my 30th birthday was going to end up being overshadowed by having a baby. And sure enough, I was right.

This whole time I've been thinking of my 30th birthday as a possible day that Charlie might be born or as a day when I would be so busy caring for him that I wouldn't really have the time or energy to absorb being 30. I guess I really believed he would be born by now; I am disappointed that he hasn't been yet, and I am even more disappointed that we probably won't end up sharing a birthday (as weird as that probably sounds).

So, here I am, turning 30 tomorrow. Charlie is still an inside baby, which means that we can probably do some celebrating. I have no idea what I want to do or what I want. I have no idea how to feel about leaving my 20s behind. We're talking ten years of major pain, major joy, major growth, major realizations. In so many ways I feel that no decade of my life can possibly compare to this one - I have watched myself grow and change in ways that I never would have thought possible when I was 20. But I also know that I'm young and have so many more decades of life to experience.

As I leave my 20s, I am still kind of haunted by the same things that plagued me as I entered this decade. There are things that I haven't "gotten over," but I also believe that there are some things that you just can't or don't get over. I've managed to make a space for these things in my life instead. It doesn't mean that they control my life, only that they are undeniably a part of me. I will probably always have these issues. One of the greatest things that I learned in my 20s is that it's okay to have problems - we all do - and this is one of those things that binds us together as human beings.

When I think of myself as being 30, I don't think of myself in terms of being old. I just want this next decade to be as dynamic as the last. I don't ever want to stop growing or thinking or wanting. I want to continue to evolve. When I turn 40, I want to look back in amazement on my 30s and say, "Wow. What a life I've had." Because that's what I'm doing right now, as I turn 30.


2) I don't want to be induced.

Last night I realized that not only do I not really want to be induced, I am also pretty afraid of it. It happens every day on every L&D ward in the nation, I'm sure, but honestly, I just don't really feel emotionally prepared for it. My whole pregnancy I have been pretty lax about the whole labor and delivery thing. I've always had in my mind that any woman can give birth - if a vaginal delivery doesn't work, there's always a C-section - but the bottom line is the doctor always makes sure that the baby comes out.

I think a huge part of my fear comes from the fact that my OB will not be delivering Charlie. I know this kind of thing happens, but I really didn't expect it to happen to us. He won't be on call again until June 16, and I'll be damned if I'm still pregnant by then - they wouldn't let me stay pregnant that long anyway. When I found out this bit of news earlier in the week, I simply could not shake it off. At first, it was a WTF?! kind of indignation that I felt, but now it's morphed into a full-blown sadness. I feel absolutely cheated by the fact that this person that we've developed a relationship with won't be there to deliver our baby. I can't even explain why, because I know that the nursing staff is much more present and is much more a part of the process than the doctor. Still, I wanted my OB to be the one to catch Charlie as he comes sliding out of the birth canal - no matter how routine it is or may be to an OB, it's not routine to me. I don't want a perfect stranger delivering my baby. I am so sad over this; I just can't help it.

I feel like I don't know what to expect now. I trust my OB and was pretty willing to just go with what he thinks is/was best, but now my whole birthing experience is going to be in the hands of some doctor I've never even met. I am kind of livid about it all. I can't help but wonder now if I haven't put enough thought into what I want from my birth experience; I have been perfectly willing to have a "normal" experience since it's my first time. I figured that I could always adjust things as needed for the next baby - and I'm sure I will do that. But now I'm feeling panicky. Really panicky. Instead of looking forward to my birth experience, I am, quite frankly, dreading it. It's hard enough that I am going to be induced, but to be induced and have my experience be overseen by some doctor I don't know? Let's just say that obviously I am having a really hard time with it.

I'm sure I'll get over it, but right now I feel like I am grieving a huge loss. But I should have known that something like this would happen, since the best-laid plans have this habit of falling apart when you least expect them to.

The best news, though, is knowing that no matter what my birth experience is like, no matter what doctor shows up in the delivery room, at the end of it all, Charlie, Roy, and I will be together.


3) I don't want to be controlled by my own limitations.

My family is painfully dysfunctional. It's something I seem to conveniently forget until I spend any amount of time with them. No matter how old I get, there are things that just never change. And then I realize (over and over again) how emotionally exhausting these things are.

One thing that being a member of my particular family has taught me is that we do indeed have limits - but at the same time, we are only as limited as we let ourselves be. Life seems to have beat down my family in a way that some members of it just can't or won't recover from, and I find it just as heartbreaking now as I did when it was actually happening. It is so hard to watch people you love let themselves become negative and bitter and sure that they will fail. I almost want to walk away sometimes and never look back. But I never would. Because these people, no matter how freaking sad they are, no matter how much their sadness wears on me at times, are people that I love - and will always love.

I just don't want to be like them.

(Note: I'm being super duper general in this section even though the family members I'm referencing don't read this blog.)

****

So there you have it: my list of current things that I don't want. Obviously, I'm in a sad place right now, but I guess it's to be expected, what with the pregnancy hormones and being overdue and all. I don't think I could have ever suspected how much being overdue would affect me emotionally. I am kind of a basket case sometimes.

Come on, Charlie! Give your tired ol' mom a break. Please?

The cutest husband ever turns 30!

Roy is 30 years old today! And his cuteness is still undeniable.





See what I mean?

There's a lot of celebrating to be done. I've been terrible at recapping the events of my life lately, but I'll try for a post that chronicles all the celebrating. And the countdown is on to my own 30th birthday, which is two months and five days away.

Happy birthday to the cutest husband ever! I just love him.

Superwoman

Stick a fork in me! I'm done with my final paper for the quarter, which means I'm done with the quarter. Finally.

As I mentioned, last week was hard. (I've heard that the full moon made things crazy for Geminis.) I had to ask my professor for an extension on my final paper, which was due on Wednesday. He granted me an extension until Thursday. Then I had to ask for an incomplete. As he doesn't like to give incompletes, he gave me an extension until this morning.

Good enough. This may ruin my GPA that I've worked so hard to maintain, but good enough. At this point, I am not picky. In fact, I am so not picky that the paper I turned in didn't meet the page requirement at all. I am normally a much better student, but I also don't usually have a human being growing in me. One thing pregnancy has made me realize is that I'm not Superwoman. Not anywhere close.

So I spent the weekend sleeping and writing and reading and spending time with family and friends, trying not to dwell on the challenges ahead. Because even though the paper's done, there's still a mess of things to deal with.

I'd like 2009 to be simpler, please.

We had our gift exchange with Roy's family last night. Paul drew my name and got me this:



It's a toy camera kit that uses medium-format film and takes awesomely imperfect pictures. I'm extremely excited to add this to my arsenal. I've been wanting this for close to a year now.

Paul also got me two of these, except in classy, shiny silver:



They are perfect for the food-phobic.

(Thank you, Paul.)

We also celebrated Paul's birthday last night. We had yummy chocolate cake, and I loved the candles.







Happy birthday, Paul! And happy winter break to me.

Where is Leslie?

It's been awhile since I last blogged. And apparently, judging from the emails I've gotten, I'm actually missed when I'm not blogging! Thanks to those of you who sent emails or asked me where the hell I've been/what the hell I've been doing.

I've actually been doing the same thing I've always been doing. Work, school two nights a week, photo shoots on the weekends, etc. I think I sounded a little negative awhile back, but rest assured that I am not an unhappy camper - I'm just being a slug most of the time.

Anyway. Here are two things of note about today.

1) Today is my brother's birthday. Happy birthday, Wade! I'm pretty sure that he's 33 today. I sent him two cool things in the mail, so hopefully he'll get those soon.

Here's a picture of the birthday boy:



2) Today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I personally have never experienced this, but several people near and dear to my heart have.



The idea is for everyone to light a candle at 7 PM tonight, creating light for lost babies around the world. Sounds like a wonderful idea to me. I'll be in class tonight, but I will light my candle when I get home.

That's all I have for today. It's mid-October, life is good, and I'm tired.

The Amazing Miss Myra and Her Dirty Thirty Celebration!

We interrupt your previously scheduled macro week to bring you breaking birthday news.

It's Myra's 30th birthday today!

When Myra and I saw each other on Saturday, we squealed like a couple of teenagers. After all, it had been five months since she moved to Maryland, and we hadn't seen each other since. We used to see each other every day, so it has been quite the adjustment not having her around all the time. I totally miss her.

But she's here now! We got together and went out to Citrus Park to take some pictures that day. Then we came back and did some shooting around downtown Riverside. We had lunch together yesterday, and I am still holding out hope that I might see her tonight since she's flying back to Maryland tomorrow.

Anyway, I haven't done a lot of work on the computer this week due to two things: 1) my computer is a piece of crap, and 2) my back has been bothering me. So I don't have a lot of pictures from Myra's Dirty 30 session. But here are a couple.



As you can see, Myra let me tie her up. She's a good sport.



I took this one as a homage to a picture taken when Myra was 16. The picture was of her profile, and she was flipping her collar up. It was Myra's idea.

That's all I have for now.

Happy birthday, fwend!

Celebrating Me

I started this post awhile back and am just now getting around to finishing it. Normally, I'd just let it go, but since it was my birthday weekend (June 6-8), I figured it's worth writing about.

Anyway, my birthday weekend had all the elements I wanted: fun, friends, family, and relaxation. It was also a wonderful way to kick off summer, which hadn't officially started yet, but I was pretending it was.

Friday:

Work as usual. My friend Jessica bought me a present (some candy, sunscreen, a candle, and a beautiful card) in this lovely blue bag:



Crazy Daisy featured me on her blog in a weekly meme she's doing called Pay It Forward Friday. She had some very nice things to say about me, which made a good pre-birthday gift for me. Thank you, Crazy Daisy!

A group of us went out to lunch at the Gourmet Pizza Shoppe. I took a few pictures with my point and shoot, but they are really bad quality due to the fact that I had to use the flash. I'm too lazy to edit them. So, here you are: really bad pictures of some of my unnameable homies from work.



After lunch, I got some bad news. I found out that the graduate committee had not passed my thesis proposal. Naturally, this did not make me very happy and thus warrants a hopefully short tangent.

Begin tangent.

Hearing the news that my thesis proposal needs revision really kind of blew me away. Yes, I did not put a lot of effort into it this past quarter, but a lot of work went into it in the quarter before. I am very disappointed in myself for not working on it continuously throughout the quarter, because by the time I submitted it to my readers, they only had a short time with it before they had to let me know whether or not it could be sent up to the committee.

However, I am trying to be too hard on myself, because I busted my ass each and every day this quarter in my internship and fairy tales class. It's not like I was just being a lazy mofo. I was giving 150% to other things, which caused me to neglect my proposal. And to be honest, my proposal was good. It really was. From what I understand, the committee wants me to approach my subject in a different way. And well, no amount of good writing can make up for the fact that I'm not a mind reader.

The worst part? Because of this, I will not be able to resubmit my proposal until the fall. (The committee doesn't meet during the summer.) That means that I won't graduate in December. This has been very hard for me to accept. A week and a half later, I am finally beginning to come to terms with it. But I won't lie - it's upsetting.

End tangent.

After work, I went to get a massage. My back, neck, and shoulders had been giving me issues all week, so I called up my massage therapist Reuven and had him fit me in. I hadn't been to see Reuven since the day before my wedding (almost a year ago), so it was good to catch up with him. I am supposed to get monthly massages because I have a mild case of scoliosis, but as insurance does not cover it, sometimes I have to skip them.

As usual, the massage was wonderful, and I drove home feeling all wiggly.

A little later on, Roy walked me to Mandy's for a night of Bunco. Bunco is this really fun dice game, and Mandy is a member of a couple of Bunco groups. She was hosting the get-together for the month of June and needed a replacement. That's where I came in.

The theme of the get-together was "The Honeymoon's Over," pretty appropriate considering Mandy's recent wedding. Mandy served "moldy" wedding cake for dessert and put pimple cream on her face. This photo whore took a lot of detail shots:








But once the game started, I put down the camera and joined the party. I had forgotten how loud and screechy a big group of women can be, but it was screechiness I enjoyed. I had a really great time playing. I even won a prize for being the second highest scorer!

Paul and Mandy walked me home after the game was over. Roy had gone out for the evening but returned soon after me with a bag full of birthday goodies. It was about 11:00 PM, so I was able to rationalize opening my gifts before my actual birthday.

I was absolutely thrilled to see that Roy had bought me a new iPod. My old iPod was a third generation dinosaur that hadn't held a charge on its own in a couple of years. Now I have a brand spanking new 80GB iPod classic that I have named Silver Bullet. Silver Bullet and I are already great friends.




Saturday (my birthday!)

We woke up early (as usual) and went to the Farmer's Market with Mandy and Paul later on that morning.



I found a cool box from 1955 at an antique shop nearby.



After we were done, we went to Mandy and Paul's to see the dog they found.



Our original plans for the day were to spend the afternoon at the Huntington Gardens, but as we had plans for that night, we decided to stay local. I had developed a headache, so I spent the afternoon resting and watching our recent Netflix acquisitions.

Later that night, we all (me, Roy, Mandy, Paul, and Jake) piled into my mother-in-law's van and drove out to Orange County for murder mystery dinner theatre. I have been wanting to go to one of these events for quite awhile. It was loads of fun. On the way there, this was our soundtrack. (Just click it. You won't be sorry.)

We hung out in the bar for awhile before they let us into the dining area.



I noticed this man's very interesting hairdo.



I didn't take many good pictures during the dinner production. I was preoccupied with all that was going on, but here are a few shots (including the best one I got of one of the cast members):




All in all, I really enjoyed the performance and would recommend that others go and enjoy themselves. The dinner was good, too, but they piled all of the food together, which made me kind of lose my appetite. (Food phobias will do that to a person.) It was a really great way to celebrate my birthday, though. We even got to take a picture with the cast members.



I already have forgotten what we did on Sunday, but I seem to recall that it involved my being very, very lazy.

So that was my birthday weekend. It was a really great time - and a wonderful way to ring in the last year of my 20s.

i heart youtube, volume seven (birthday edition!)

Hi, everyone! In celebration of my 29th birthday, here are three of my all-time favorite videos.



If you haven't seen these next two before, you have to watch them in the order I've posted them.





In case you're wondering, and I know you're probably not, I am not really blogging on my birthday. I'm scheduling these posts ahead of time. Scheduling posts = probably one of the greatest inventions ever.

29

Twenty-nine years ago today at 9:55 AM, I was born.

I really can't believe it's the last year of my 20s. My life so far seems to have sailed by. Sometimes I feel I have little to show for the time I've been alive, but I know that's not really true. I have a husband, family, friends, education, passions, and a whole lot of books and Post-its. I am already feeling a sense of mourning for my 20s, but I know that life after this decade has a lot of good things in store for me.

I wrote a little something in honor of my birthday and the way in which I've grown as a person. (Actually, I wrote it about a month ago, but I edited it with my birthday in mind.) Although it mentions marriage, the poem is not about Roy, but his influence is there, definitely. I've included a photo I took of his eye, just because it fits (in my muddled brain, anyway).

I'm proud of this poem (or I guess it's actually more of a prose poem). It's rare that I write anything worth sharing.


29

I see you from time to time in my dreams. You stand small, a faded photograph of my self. Sometimes I awake without you, and I feel like you might have never existed. You and I have parted silently, divided only by the frailty of time. But here you are again, my strange familiar.

You are unassuming and slight, weighing only 100 pounds. You exist in dark rooms and speak through sideways glances. You long to fade away, but with each year, your legacy becomes richer and harder to bear.

You are at once the gasp of my heartbeat and its flat thudding, the disillusioned eyes that regard me with wisdom. You are my empty hand, laying palm up. You are the other, full of water.

You are married to me, and I to you. You are the reason I chase authenticity and my justification for rejecting idealism. I am simultaneously afraid and alive because of you.

You are wonderful and quiet as you sit there in the corner, and even now I don’t really know what to do with you. I was never exactly kind to you. You always ate darkness for dinner, inhaled depression as you smoked, and slept fitfully through black nights. I could not understand your obsession with shame.

You, old relic, dig yourself up by night and leave the room smelling of spent cigarettes and blue perfume. Everything about you is blue. When I choose this color, I am choosing you. When I choose this color, I am forsaking you.

****

Happy birthday to me and all the other June 7 babies (like Prince, or whatever he's calling himself these days)!