Poor old neglected blog

This past week ended up being quite the exciting one. Sickness descended on our house and kept us down for most of the week. By Thursday we'd turned a corner, and by Friday we were out in the world again. Despite the illness factor, things went pretty well this week. I'm happy to report that there were no meltdowns or tears or anything of the sort. (Well, there were plenty on Charlie's end, but what do you expect from a sick baby?) I don't know if I'm "cured," but I'm doing really well handling things. I feel good. I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying that.

Yesterday was a day of clarity. Honestly, I wish I could hold onto those days forever, because it's damn rare that I feel that I can see anything clearly. For the first time in months, I feel that I can see beyond the depression. There is hope on the other side of this mess. But first, some housekeeping, both literal and metaphorical, is in order. I will be getting rid of all the stuff that's dragging me down. It's going to be difficult to sort through it all, but you know, I feel up to the challenge.

We went to look at a house today. It's the first place we've liked enough to apply for, so our application is going out in tomorrow's mail. We've already started making plans with the new place in mind, even though we may not get it, and it feels good because we definitely need that forward momentum. I'm hoping that everything works out. This house is much different from the one we're in, and most people will probably think we're nuts for wanting it. But we are embracing change. And sacrifice.

There are so many things to say, to share. But it's so hard for me to find the energy to blog, because it's going in so many other directions these days. I think we're on the verge of something really exciting, though. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really can't wait to see where life takes us.

I don't have any new photos of Charlie, since my laptop hard drive is currently full. But here's one from December when he was six months old. I'm editing photos from that month, and it's amazing how much he's changed.



I can't believe it's already the end of April, and we're hurtling towards his first birthday in a month and a half. Where does the time go?

Balancing Act

Happy Friday!

This week has been pretty fantastic. Monday brought with it a new month and another chance for a new beginning. And so I seized it. And I've been loving the results.

-I've been writing every day. Once Charlie goes down for his morning nap, I give myself a 30 minute opportunity. I start with a mini journal entry, to kind of check in on myself and see how I'm doing. From there I consult my blue idea folder and just start writing on the topics that I've collected over the years but haven't done anything with. Some days I've skipped the blue folder and have just written about things that weigh heavily on my mind.

And so I have pages and pages of writing, and honestly I don't care if it's good or not. I'm just happy that I'm doing this again. I had forgotten how good it feels just to write for myself, without an audience, without hope that someone will read it and be able to relate to it.

-Charlie has taken all of his naps in his crib since last Friday, except for one, but that's because we were out and about during his naptime. Honestly, this has taken so much weight off me. I no longer have to tiptoe around the house because he fell asleep in some random room. And because he's napping in his crib now, his naps are longer, which gives us more structure to our days. It is, by and large, a wonderful thing.

-I've been exercising. Every other day, after Charlie's second nap, I load him up in the stroller and we take a walk up the mountain. The walk is tough, especially with a stroller, but every time I make it, I give myself a huge mental high five. It feels so fucking great to be out in nature and breathing in some fresh air. (Let's forget for a moment how smoggy it is out here.)

So this week was really great. I know all weeks aren't going to be like this one, but it's nice that they have the potential to be. I love that I'm taking care of my baby boy, but that I'm also taking care of me. I feel, for the first time in months, that I'm thriving, because I am making room for other important things in my life, like writing and exercise. This means that our house is pretty much not clean the way I'd like it to be, and some things just aren't getting done - there simply aren't enough hours in the day, honestly - but I like to think that the really important things are happening.

For now, I feel as though I've found a balance, and even though it can be (and will be) interrupted many, many times, I love knowing that I have the power to reclaim it.

Heartfelt Thanks + All Things Noteworthy (January Edition)

Hello! This is a long post. But it's got pictures! And videos! And good old-fashioned words!

Settle in, won't you? Grab a cup of coffee or something.

*****

Before I dive into this huge list I've made, I wanted to say thanks for all your thoughtful comments on my last post. That whole explosion of words came from a very insecure place deep within me. I have been writing for my entire life, and it is at times a tough gig, but if there is one thing I do know, it's that I am a writer. And I have to do it. And I have to do it honestly, from a place that is real and raw.

Like I said, I do get jealous sometimes. It's hard not to, when people out there (some of whom don't really deserve it) get paid to do this thing I love so much. Although I mentioned two bloggers by name in my last entry, I don't necessarily think that their popularity is undeserved. And apologies to those of you WHO USE ALL CAPS TO EMPHASIZE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE BEING CLEVER. I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU. I WAS JUST SAYING THAT I DON'T USE THAT PARTICULAR RHETORICAL DEVICE. NOPE. NEVER.

I do feel that blogging often is one big popularity contest, and some bloggers who have huge readerships aren't necessarily wonderful writers. I felt like that when I wrote poetry regularly. I would crack open the most recent issue of Poetry magazine and feel downtrodden when I saw the utter crap that graced its pages (not all of it, but the majority of it, it seemed) - all because the poet probably went to the right school or had an MFA. It was very discouraging and sometimes I felt (feel) like giving up.

I've been feeling that way about my blog lately, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to. I was just finding myself in a place where I was wondering, "Why do I do this?" I want to do it for the right reasons. I found myself wanting to do it for the wrong ones. But I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. I suppose I may someday stop blogging, but no way in hell would I stop writing.

But there is something that I've been feeling the urges for months now but have been (honestly) too scared to sit down and see where they take me. I want to go back to my journal and begin writing once again as I used to. I want to invite the words to pour out of me, because they threaten to on a daily basis.

The last time I sat down and wrote in my journal, I started a poem about my birth experience. The words came from a place so hurt and sad and angry that it felt like it was happening all over again. The next day I found out that Jewelyn had died. And I haven't gone back to that poem since. Fear is a big reason.

But fear is actually not a reason to avoid doing something. So in February, I'm going to do it. Maybe I'll share. Although I don't usually share until I feel that something is pretty well polished.

(And thank you, really. I'm so glad to have you guys to talk to. I didn't mean to make anyone think that I was going to be saying goodbye or anything. This blog is a labor of love and such a great part of my life, and I'll keep at it until it runs its course.)

*****

So many things happen on a daily basis, and I never really have the time or energy to blog most of them. Still, I hate to think of all these events being lost in a fog of mommy brain. I'd like to do a monthly post where I list all the noteworthy/fun/interesting occurrences of the month, some of them documented by photo/video and some not, some of them previously documented on here/Facebook/Twitter and some not.

January's list is rather long, and it surprised me when I was making it. Here it is, in no particular order:

1) I found out that my dad has a brain aneurysm. I don't have a lot of information about it right now, and I'm trying not to worry. However, anything out of the ordinary in his brain worries me since things are already so precarious for him. He doesn't need another brain issue. He has plenty. I'd really like for the universe to take it easy on him now. Please?

2) It rained a lot! And it snowed in certain areas of Southern California that don't normally get snow.



3) Roy and I did a week-long cleanse diet that only ended up being about five days. Yeah, we're wimps. But we did it and hopefully we're a little more healthy than we were. Some of those habits that we started during the cleanse seem to have carried over, like...

4) I seem to have kicked my Dr. Pepper habit. And I may even have kicked my caffeine habit. I'm not going to jinx myself but I'm doing okay without both. It's been two weeks since I had a Dr. Pepper.

5) Charlie started saying "dada." So. Effing. Cute.



6) I began making baby food in earnest. And I have to say that I love doing it. Yeah, it's a little bit more of a time commitment than popping open a jar of Gerber baby food. However, to me it's worth it. Jarred baby food is disgusting, in my opinion, and I sure as hell wouldn't eat it. So I don't expect Charlie to. So far, Charlie's had avocado, banana, carrots, green beans, pears, sweet potato, oatmeal, beans, and applesauce. All made by me. I love it. He loves it. The planet loves it.



(Disclaimer: No offense to those of you who feed your kiddo jarred food, really. Whatever works.)

7) I ordered a crap ton of photo gear. This was scary because it's effing expensive. I've needed some better lenses, a flash, etc. for quite awhile, but I have just been making do with what I've got. Since I have a party to photograph in February and a birth to shoot in March (plus other things coming up), I need good gear. I was also gifted a tripod and a wireless remote when we did our family gift exchange. So exciting!

8) I went to see my friend Cynthia's twin girls, who were born in mid-December. They were a little premature and both had to be in the NICU for a little while. However, they're both home now and doing great. I'm extra happy for Cynthia because she went through years of infertility and at times was unsure if she would ever have children. I know she's a great mama to Samantha and Ashley.



On a side note: when Cynthia had her C-section, the surgeon sliced through her bladder while performing the surgery. Cynthia had to leave her catheter in for a month after her surgery. Yet another reason to avoid a C-section if possible. She has healed up just fine, though - thankfully.

9) Pagan, who'd been a member of Roy's family for many years, passed away. She is missed greatly.



10) I began work on a new blog. (As if I needed another thing on my plate.) But it's been a long time coming. This is big and huge and exciting, and I wish I could share the link with you. But I'm not ready. In February, I hope.

11) I went to a sex toy party with Mandy. The consultant told me I should be doing sex toy parties. I think it had something to do with me clanging two big ol' dildos together while singing, "Don't Fear the Reaper." Because I gotta have more cowbell.



Yes, that's me holding a very giant and impressive dildo. For the record, I didn't order it. But I may have wanted to. I'll never tell.

12) In a moment of desperation one night, and after watching an online tutorial, I cut my own bangs, completely forgetting that I am challenged in the beautification department. What a horror show of giant proportions. I luckily got them fixed the next day.

13) Even though he's been able to roll over for some time now, Charlie threw caution to the wind and really began rolling, rolling, rolling to get where he wants to go. And sometimes blew raspberries for emphasis while doing so.



14) I caught up on editing photos. This was a huge undertaking. I still have some from December and this month to work on, but it's a hell of a lot better than where I was.

15) I started exercising again. I'm hoping in February that I will be a little more disciplined about it, as we continue to work towards a schedule around the house. Getting some exercise actually makes me feel pretty damn good, especially when my exercise of choice is walking up the mountain right by my house and having this as my view on the way up:



16) Charlie discovered his outside voice. It is, at times, hilarious. At other times, not so much.

17) I made a kick ass mix CD. I think a good mix can make or break a season. This one's called "Wintering" and it's been playing constantly around these parts. Some of the songs are by some new artists I've discovered: Basia Bulat (my current favorite), White Rabbits, Soap&Skin, and The Tiny. I discovered the latter two thanks to Kari, who has the best taste in music - next to me, of course.

18) Charlie's friend Luke turned had his first birthday party. I photographed the pirate-themed event, all the while thinking that in just a few short months, Charlie will be having a first birthday party of his own.



19) We re-entered the evil and frustrating world of sleep training for naps. Last week was tough, but this week I began the week with a new attitude. I took an honest look at what I'd been doing for Charlie's naps and realized that I probably hadn't been consistent enough. So I began a naptime routine with him and made it very similar to his nighttime routine. The very first time I tried it, he went to sleep in his crib. And he's done it ever since. Sometimes the naps aren't long, but at least I can say that I finally have a crib napper. I am so proud of both him and myself.



20) I was given several beautiful handmade gifts. A camera strap and bookmark from Amber and a key chain from Mandy. I love love love handmade gifts, and I can't wait to get my craft on in the future. Thanks for thinking of me, ladies!





21) Charlie weighed in at 24 pounds 3 ounces at his doctor's appointment at the beginning of the month. He can wear anywhere from 6-18 months in clothing, depending on the item of clothing and brand. He's a big ol' chubster but we wouldn't have it any other way.



22) I won a giveaway on bluebirdbaby: a print from this Etsy shop! This is the print I picked:



23) Charlie demonstrated his love for sucking on his parents' noses. Many, many times.





24) Roy and I had a wonderful night out with friends. I love that I had the opportunity to get a little wasted.



25) Charlie did a lot of swimming. Or maybe flying. Something.



26) I picked my word for the year, the word that I want to define my year. More on that later.

27) I read five books. My goal for this year is to read five books a month - or to end the year with a total of 60 books read. Reading really took a backseat to pregnancy and motherhood in 2009, but in 2010, I'd like to get back to it more. I've missed it.

Here are the books I read this month:

-Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty - This was a cute YA book. I enjoyed it. But I had to stop and think about whether I wanted to continue the series. Then I realized that if I had to think about it, I probably really didn't want to. So I probably won't. I have so many other books on my shelf that I'm much more excited about.

-Some Girls Are by Courtney Summers - This book was highly recommended by Jessica, and having read Summers' first book and loving it, I was excited to read this one. And I wasn't disappointed. This book was intense. I literally had physiological reactions to some of the events contained within. I don't want to reveal too much, but I will say that it's a book about bullying and it's incredibly powerful. I loved it. I loved it so much I'm keeping it.

-Bag of Bones by Stephen King - This was a reread. I read this back in 1998 when it was first released; that was when I was still reading Stephen King on a regular basis. I have since outgrown Stephen King, and this book made me understand why. While I enjoyed this book, I felt that so much of the 700+ pages was mere fluff and could have been cut. The story is good, and the writing is fine. Not great, but fine. I cried when I read this way back when, but this time there were no tears. Probably because I was too distracted by all the extra words that didn't need to be there.

-Echo by Francesca Lia Block - I've read quite a few of Block's books, and I always zip right through them. This book in particular was probably my favorite of hers. It's a nicely woven tale about a girl named Echo and the people in her life. The chapters of the book seem to be independent stories, but as you make your way through the book, you realize all the stories are connected - as are all the characters. And then there's the matter of Block's writing style, which always makes me want to eat tons of fruit and chocolate and paint lots of surreal landscapes. (That's a good thing.) Overall, I'd recommend this book.

-Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood by Naomi Wolf - My mother-in-law let me borrow this, and I have to say that it really resonated with me. Wolf (the author) had an unnecessary C-section, like me, and from that experience, this book was born. In her words, I found more of an understanding of myself and my own birth experience. She was able to express things that I haven't been able to yet. I really loved this book, especially the first part of it. The second half or so kind of dragged on it in places, but it contains some really important and helpful information about the medical industry's treatment of mothers-to-be and laboring women. Wolf is a really wonderful writer, very expressive, and I think this is an important book for expectant mothers, as well as people like myself, who have had disappointing and traumatic birth experiences.

28) And while we're on the subject of books, RIP JD Salinger. I didn't have a crush on Holden Caulfield, but I sure as hell wanted to be him.

29) And lastly, the event that has been on everyone's mind: the devastating earthquake in Haiti. Words really and truly fail me.

Wow, I sure as hell can cram a whole lot of stuff into one post.

And that, my friends, was January. An interesting start to the new year. How was yours?

Happy Monday!

My last post was kind of whiny. Sorry about that. I have this tendency to get overly emo when I'm having a bad day or week, and I seem to always forget that things can and will change. My weekend did improve, even though the sleep issues did (and will continue to, I'm sure) persist. Oh well. I keep telling myself that if this is all I have to deal with, then I am a lucky woman.

We had our date night on Friday. It'd been a long time coming.



We went out to dinner, where I tried asparagus for the first time and didn't make any modifications to my dinner order. Both things are huge for me. I think I've mentioned before that I have a lot of food phobias. I know most people think they are absolutely ridiculous, but for me they are very real and associated with some painful things. However, I now have a child and I don't want him to grow up as picky as me. So I'm trying new things. And it's not so bad, really.

After dinner, we went out for drinks to celebrate Becki's birthday. I got unapologetically tipsy, shamelessly talked about dildos, and spilled ranch dressing all down one leg of my pants. Awesome. Sometime during the evening, the conversation turned to FarmVille, and Becki and I were discussing how you can harvest your animals. She then said loudly, "You can't sell cat hair!" Which was hilarious, because every time you brush your farm cats, you get coins for their hair. So freaking weird. Leave it to us drunkards to realize how weird that game really is.

Saturday morning we got an early start and headed on down to the farmers market. Later on we met a couple of friends for lunch, and then in the afternoon, we drove out east a bit to see the snow.










Beautiful, yes? It was pretty damn magical, despite the long line of cars and the fact that Chuckles slept through most of it.

Sunday was lazy. We went out to our favorite Thai place, and Charlie entertained us with his food-covered face.



I got some time to lounge around in bed while Roy took Charlie for a long walk. We went to family dinner, and once we were back home with Chuckles in bed, we cleaned the house. I like to clean on Sundays, because it puts me in the right frame of mind for the week ahead.

Today has been low-key but still good. I feel a little silly for my Friday outburst, but by the end of the week, I am usually very tired anyway. Add sleep training to that, and you've got the makings for one stressed mama. I've got a lot of fun things planned for this week, so I'm hoping at the end of the week I'll be feeling less tense.

Anyway, blah blah blah. They should call me the Rambler, for realz. What'd you do this weekend?

Happy Monday!

Happy MLK Jr. Day!



My Facebook status update for today (posted this morning):

Right now: C's asleep in his crib (miracle), bed is made (another miracle), dishes are done, laundry's put away, I've managed to go without Dr. Pepper, cleanse diet is going well, I'm showered and groomed and made up, and we're going to head out in about an hour for lunch with some of my gals. It's shaping up to be a day full of win.

Today was a good day. I've made it my mission to make Mondays awesome because I often have a hard time adjusting to Roy going back to work after having him home all weekend.

What can I say? I get lonely.

If you follow me on Twitter, then you noticed that my tweets today consisted only of updates about Charlie's naps and what I ate. Painfully boring, yes - and I apologize, truly. But very useful for me. This week my two primary concerns are getting Charlie to nap in his crib and making my way through this cleanse diet successfully.

Today Charlie took his morning nap in his crib after about 40 minutes of rolling around and playing. He stayed asleep for a record hour and a half. I was thrilled. But I ended up being unsuccessful for his afternoon nap. I tried for almost three hours to get him to nap at home and then I gave up and took him for a car ride, which always does the trick.

Sigh.

So I'm happy about the first nap but seriously bummed about the second. Oh well, tomorrow I'll try again. And if my efforts fail again, I'll gaze upon this picture wistfully:



Yes, that is what a baby who sleeps in his crib looks like. Blurry photo and pumpkin pajamas and all.

Now, about the cleanse Roy and I are doing. We did something similar about a year and a half ago. We're doing this again because our chiropractor (who is very much into body/mind/spirit wellness) recommended it to both of us after we both had BioMeridian scans done. Our results: we are full of toxins! Time to purge.

Today was the first day, and I am surprised at how much easier it was than the last time. I think doing this while being at home instead of working is what's helping me, because I have a crap ton of healthy food at my disposal. So if I get hungry (and I spent the entire day being hungry), I can run to the kitchen and grab a piece of fruit. It was a little more difficult at work because I often felt too tempted by the vending machines, plus I never brought enough food with me.

We're playing a little fast and loose with the rules, but nothing major. Today, for example, I allowed myself some tortilla chips and a couple of arnold palmers. I did not have one Dr. Pepper, though, and this is major.

I'm not sure how long we're going to keep this up, anywhere from a week to three weeks. I'm hoping that I'll lose some weight as a result, but not too much. I really just need to tone up. Exercise is another story entirely.

So the self-improvement continues, as usual.

What made your Monday happy?

Happy Monday!

Today was fan-fucking-tastic! I was going to write a post detailing all the good things about it, but that would be boring.

So, have a video instead!



The quality of this stinks, but all I had on me was my cell phone. That was the hardest I've ever heard Charlie laugh. Happy Monday, indeed.

Perfect Day

Considering what a foul mood I was in for most of the week, I'm surprised today turned out so well.

-Chuckles let us sleep in until 8 AM. This whole week he was up at 6:00 - every morning, without fail.

-I made Charlie oatmeal for the first time. As Charlie tries new things, and in an effort to face up to my food phobias, I try each new thing with him. So today I tried oatmeal too. Meh.

-I had time after my shower to put my strawberry body butter on my legs.

-We walked to the farmer's market and got some yummy produce. At one point, we were talking to a lady who sold us some satsumas, and I thought, "Hey, we're talking a person who had some involvement in growing this food." In a world that continues to become more depersonalized, this made me feel pretty awesome.

-On our way home, we stopped at a hall-in-the-wall Mexican food place and had lunch. I wanted to make sweet sweet love to the green salsa. I tried guacamole for the first time. Again, meh.

-I made Charlie bananacado (avocado + bananas), and it was pretty obvious that if he were old enough to have a sex drive, he would have been wanting to make sweet sweet love to it.

-Mandy came over and gave me a keychain she made for me. (Love her!) We went out for a bit, finally ending up at the new cupcake store in town. I had a red velvet cupcake that I wanted to make sweet sweet love to, but I decided not to because the green salsa's feelings were at stake.

-Roy and I took a walk up the mountain near our house. We would have made it to the top if my bladder hadn't felt like it was going to explode.

-We went to my mother-in-law's house to use her bathroom and hang out.

-Back at home, I steamed and pureed the pound of green beans that I had purchased at the farmer's market. I ate strawberries and listened to Fleet Foxes while doing so. Chuckles will have plenty of green beans to chow down on next week.

-Charlie, Roy, and I played together until it was time for Charlie's bath and bedtime.

-Charlie went to sleep easily, and Roy and I began tackling our organization project. We'd gotten really behind but were able to do two weeks worth of organizing in one night.

And now, I'm off to crawl into bed with a book...

(Thanks for your comments on my last post. I made the header a bit smaller so that visitors to the site can see right away whether there's new content. Now I feel that the header is kind of naked, so I'm going to be working on making a new header that will fill up the space a bit better. So time consuming! Especially because I'm such a rookie at this stuff. But if you have any ideas or suggestions, let me know. The date on my posts has gone MIA, even though they should be there. I've tried a million things. It's annoying. But I'm stubborn. I will figure it out, dammit.)

The Great Post-It Note Debacle

My sister-in-law Mandy and I were hanging out the day before Thanksgiving. I left her in the car with Charlie while I ran into the store to grab something really fast. When I came back, there was a sea of Post-Its decorating the interior of my car.

(Please pardon the poor quality of these photos.)

On the driver's side door:



"Hi Leslie"


On the steering wheel:



"Was it fun in there?"


On the dash:



"It's a little windy out there"


On the rearview mirror:



"That's Chuckles back there. He totally wrote all of these notes."


On the top of Charlie's car seat:



"Mandy tried to stop him. I mean me."


On the gear shift thingie:



"Make sure you choose R not D."


On my CDs:



"Stop licking your CDs. People will think you're a Twitard." [I may or may not have been licking my CDs earlier that day. Long story.]


On my drink:



"Ash (sic) [meaning our cat Woogas who loves to steal straws from people's drinks] wants your straw."


On my little mushroom hanging from the rearview mirror:



"I like your mushroom."


Obviously, given our penchant for silliness and mutual love for Post-Its, Mandy and I get along very well.

I Turn My Camera On

One thing I never leave home without is a camera of some sort, usually my point and shoot since it resides in my bag. This week my little ol' camera has witnessed some wonderful adventures.

Chuckles and I both wore layers on Tuesday.



Charlie and my grad school buddy Adam bonded. (I love Charlie's hair!)



I met this sweet dog wandering around.



The moon was gorgeous last night.



Charlie hung out with his Aunt Mandy.



I saw this on a mailbox.



Today while I was sitting in the county recorder's office, this cute couple got married! I was so excited when I saw them accompany the Justice of the Peace into the adjoining room. When they came out, I asked if they wanted a photo, and they very happily answered yes. I was so grateful I had my camera with me!



Now I need to email those crazy kids a copy of their photo, because no one should be without a photographer on their wedding day.

So tell me, aside from the normal, boring stuff (keys, wallet, phone, etc), what do you never leave home without?

It's quantity, not quality, that counts.

Oh, blah. I'm officially sick with a really! fun! cold! I've been in bed sleeping most of the day. Roy isn't feeling so great, either, so he hasn't been handling Charlie much.

And I haven't held my boy all day. Which saddens me beyond all measure, but if we can avoid getting our kiddo sick in any way, then we should. Right?

This makes me wonder what other parents do when they get sick. Do you avoid contact with your child when you're sick? If there's no avoiding having contact with them, what do you do to minimize the chances of your child getting sick as well?

Anyway, today is the second to last day of NaBloPoMo, and I've written some really crappy posts this month. But at least I've posted every day! After this whole thing is over, I just might take a break from blogging.

Progress Report

I'm sufficiently stretched out from the yoga class I went to this morning.

I'm full of tryptophan from eating leftover turkey for lunch.

I'm feeling the Christmas love because we decorated our tree today.

I'm thinking back fondly to my childhood since my friend and I played Super Mario Brothers 3 tonight.

I'm seriously bummed because my Macbook has less than 1 GB of space left on it.

I'm definitely on my way to getting sick, unless I can beat it.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

Thanksgiving Morning/November Mourning

Years ago, maybe even as many as ten years ago, a dear friend wrote a poem for me called "Thanksgiving Morning." I still have it, somewhere. The poem had an undercurrent of darkness, as I recall, but its message was one of hope and friendship. I was touched that someone would write something like that for little ol' me. Still am.

So. Today is Thanksgiving.

The month of November carries with it a lot of heaviness. I could go into it, but I won't. For a few years there, November was not so heavy. But then this year, it came back. I don't know why. But there it is, that ol' familiar November heaviness.

It's like they say: November spawned a monster.

So things have been tough and I've been trying to put what it's been like into words but have always failed miserably. Which is okay because sometimes I just need to sit and be with my feelings for awhile.

I called my dad earlier in the week, and our conversation was unsurprisingly brief. I was scared to death to say those three little words to him, but then I remembered that being afraid of something is often a good reason to do it. So I said to my dad, "I love you." And he said it back. And the sharing of those words doesn't make it all better, but I am so thankful this holiday to have the chance to tell him I love him. And to accept those words from him.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful for more chances and more time. Because there's never enough of either one.

I'm not going to list all the other things I'm thankful for - because my list this year is remarkably similar to last year's, minus the pregnancy announcement. But I do want to acknowledge that as painful and sorrowful as life can be, every tear and moment of heartbreak is worth it. Because I have these two:





And a wonderfully complicated (but amazing) family. And the best friends I could ever ask for. And three lovely kitties. And a house to live in, a car to drive, books to read, a computer to use, and all those other comforts of living.

But you know what else I am so grateful for?

Myself. As much as I doubt myself, as angry as I get with myself, as strong as my emo tendencies can be, I am still happy to be me and I am proud of all that I have accomplished.

I said I wasn't going to make a list, didn't I?

Oh well.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends! Enjoy your day with your families, friends, and food. I'll see you back here tomorrow, unless you've decided to brave the Black Friday crowds. And if that's the case, you must be crazy.

A Dozen Pink Balloons

Yesterday morning, right before I woke up, I dreamt of my high school guidance counselor. We met again for the first time in many, many years, and her face lit up when she saw me. She hugged me so tight that it felt like she was saying goodbye, not like she was saying hello. Charlie, our little alarm clock, woke me up while I was in the midst of that dream, so for most of the morning, I felt lethargic and heavy.

When it came time for Charlie's nap, I put him in his crib. It was our second day of sleep training for naps, and things had not gone well the first day. Things didn't go so well for this nap, either, and each time I went into his room to soothe him, his poor little red face just sent knives into my heart. I ended up in the kitchen slamming things around. I am not a person who normally deals with anger or frustration in this way, but when it came to Charlie's crying, I just wanted to break every dish in the house. We called off the sleep training for naps right then and there. It's one thing to let him cry and have it actually alleviate the situation. It's quite another when the crying doesn't lead to sleep.

By the time I got to my chiropractor appointment, I felt absolutely drained. My chiropractor and I had a discussion about several big, huge, emotional things going on in my life, and I ended up blubbering all over her while she hugged me, just like my guidance counselor had in my dream that morning.

After that, I was seriously ready to buy a container of chocolate ice cream and crawl under the covers and stay there for the rest of the day. But every day deserves a second chance.

I headed out to Claremont for my photo session. I picked up a dozen pink balloons on the way, and they almost instantly brightened my day.



I carried the balloons around with me as I walked around downtown, scouting some good places for photos. Many, many people smiled at and talked to me - all because of the balloons.

I had been really, really worried about this photo shoot. I was doubting my ability to pull it off, but the creative juices were flowin' and I ended up rockin' it. It helps that my friend and her husband had worked with me before; they were very accommodating to my requests.

(My friend is 32 weeks pregant with fraternal twin girls - hence the pink balloons. She looks gorgeous, and I am so, so happy for her.)

We had a great time exploring the downtown area. Then we went into a children's clothing store and it was all over. I ended up buying a lot of stuff, including some furniture for our house. The store is closing down, so they're selling everything.

I'm glad I gave the day a second chance. It ended up being a good one, and I'm pretty sure those pink balloons had a whole lot to do with it.