January 13, 2010

Old Skool Daze

Today found me on campus trying to straighten out some administrative nonsense so I could get my very-much-anticipated financial aid disbursement. I think I was the only person there who was pushing a stroller. It was a little weird being back on campus with my child, who wasn't much of a thought in my mind when I started there in 2002.

Today, (almost) eight years and (almost) two degrees later, I felt really out of place. Motherhood has pushed me into an entirely new world, and the old places just don't feel the same. I passed the place where I used to always sit when I had a free moment, my nose buried in a thick book of poetry. I would always carry Post-it notes with me to mark the lines and stanzas that moved me.

I haven't read poetry in ages, although I crave it sometimes. I don't really have the space or desire to carry Post-its with me anymore. I would love to lose myself in a book at any given moment, but there is a baby boy who commands so much of my attention. More and more lately I hang out in the car to read when he falls asleep in his car seat. I love those delicious stolen moments; they remind me so much of a simpler time when I didn't have to worry about finding a good, sanitary place to change a diaper.

Yes, my life has changed quite a bit, but it's not like I resent Charlie for those changes. I knew what was going to happen when I signed up for this. I miss going to school, though. I miss tearing through books at an alarming rate. I miss having time. And energy.

I love my kid, truly, but I'm sometimes unbearably lonely. As much as I love hanging out with Charlie and singing the Ducklesman song over and over, I miss interacting with adults. I sometimes call Roy five times or more a day just because I need to hear an adult voice. I realize that makes me sound very needy, but I don't care. In this case, I am needy. I need people.

I am also very lucky. Because I get the honor of raising a wonderful little boy. I may not completely understand my place in this new world, and college kids may look at me funny as I push a stroller through the student union building, but there is one thing that I'm sure of: no line or stanza of poetry has ever moved me as much as Charlie has. And they sure as hell don't hand out degrees in unconditional love.


alejna said...

I've been there. Well, not your campus. But mine. With a stroller. Getting the funny looks. I know well the feeling.

Also the isolation. That's what pushes me to go online so often. But I really miss just hanging out with friends, which I so rarely get to do.

Myra said...

You can always call, fwend.

amber said...

I can only imagine how strange it would be to be back on my college campus with a child. Hang in there missy. {{hugs}}

Anamika said...

Oh how I feel your pain and your joy.

Anonymous said...

They were probably just looking that cute baby boy.

~Uncle Lua