January 26, 2010

The air sure is stale here in this paper bag.

My latest Twitter update, written while dramatically hyperventilating:

Why I thought it made sense to have a baby before finishing my MA is beyond me. FML.

Tonight I started working (again) on more revisions to my thesis proposal. I've been working on this damn thing for fucking ever, it seems. In May of Two Thousand Frickin' Eight, I turned in my first thesis proposal, only to have it stomped on and rejected by the committee. I, the great overachiever, was crushed about it and spent the entire summer licking my wounds.

Well, right as the school year was set to start again, I found out I was pregnant. Yippee! I just knew I could graduate before popping out the kiddo. I only had two classes left to take! Surely I could take those, write a bitchin' proposal, write an acceptable thesis, and even attend the graduation ceremony!

Ahhh, naivete. Pregnancy kicked my ass. And then motherhood did. Does. Repeatedly.

So here I sit. I've managed to complete all my classes (did that a year ago this coming April), so now I'm just collecting financial aid while I remain continuously enrolled and "work" on my proposal. Only I never seem to work on it as much as I know I need to, because I'm so distracted by pretty much everything. Kiddo, husband, house, cats, photos, books, writing, this blog, the internet, the to-do list, plans for the future, laundry, dishes...

Truthfully I just don't care anymore about this damn thesis. Or the degree, really. I just don't have the same priorities that I had when I entered the program back in fall of Two Thousand Frickin' Five. But I just. can't. not. do it. I can't just throw away all my hard work, five years of frustration and immersion.

But I want to. I want to be done with this so badly. I want to cry like a snotty little emo kid right now.

Tonight I sat at the table and looked over the most recent batch of comments on my proposal, and I realized that I just can't remember much of anything that I've learned in my program. I'm really going to have to reteach myself a lot of things in order to write something that's somewhat intelligible. I can't think of anything I'd rather not do more. But I'm going to do it. I have to. I want - no, need - to graduate in June. As much as I have loved my college education, I am ready to end this chapter and move on to the next.

If any of you thought I am a little crazy for obsessing so much over Charlie's naps, this is why. I need him to take good long naps at home so I can actually have time to work on this and still have something of me left over at night for Roy. (That's not the only reason. But it's a Biggie McBiggerson.)

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I guess some words of encouragement would be nice. Especially since, at this point, I am really doubting my ability to do this. (Do you ever just think, "I can't do it."? Yeah, that's me right now.) Maybe some advice as to how to handle the nap situation, if you have any. Or how to get motivated about my thesis instead of letting fear freeze me. Just something. Anything! I'm breathing into a paper bag here.

10 comments:

Nanette said...

Hang in there, mama! If we lived closer, I'd totally offer to watch Chuckles while you work.

tootie said...

If there's anyone that can write, it's you! You CAN do it!

phairhead said...

maybe you should let it go. it wouldn't be such a bad thing :)

Angie Eats Peace said...

My friend, you just need to do it.

Stop obsessing over it, stop secong guessing yourself, stop thinking about could of, should of, would of(s), and just get it done.

I would be happy to help with Charlie on the weekends. Maybe on a Sat., I could take him, or come over, so you could go work somewhere, for awhile.

I think you will feel a lot better, once this is off your shoulders.

mj said...

Hang in there! Granted I didnt have a baby but I hit a similar wall when I was in my masters program and my thesis kept getting beaten down by my thesis committee and all I wanted to do was thrown in the towel. You will get through this and you'll finish! The last thing you want in your life is to regret not accomplishing a pre-baby goal. Even if its no longer a goal right now, it might eventually be one again.

sherthebear said...

You can totally do it. Maybe if you set a goal to take a few hours while Roy or someone else watches Chuckles on the weekend to write you might be able to make big dents in your thesis. You will feel so much better when you don't have this hanging over your head. Plus, Charlie will be so proud of his momma for taking on such a challenge while caring for him at the same time. I know you can do it!

I wish I had some nap advice, but I have similar issues. I hope it gets better for both of us!

Erika said...

DAMN.....I always read your blog too late.....LOL

If i know anything about you reading your blog for the past 2 + years, is that if you DON"T complete this thesis, you will kick your ass over it again and again....YES, your prioritizes have changed being that your a mom now, but that Leslie I have read, is still down there and she would FREAK OUT.....given how much time you have spent on this.

That is not to say " Oh yeah i totally know you blahblahblah" but this is just an observation based on what i have been Reading.

SO, I think you just keep swimming, swimming.......just keep swimming......:)

Crazy Daisy said...

Oh Sweetie. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Hang in there. You CAN do this.

If you do not do it now, you will have to do it tomorrow. Set small attainable goals, but keep moving dear. You can do it!

amber said...

You can definitely do this! I agree that having someone come over to watch Charlie for small blocks of time might give you the added time to fit everything in.

Danielle Harris said...

Did you already finish your thesis paper? Knowing how much you put into it, I’m sure you would eventually graduate in time. Thesis proposal can really be tough so you might want to get some thesis help from other people. That way, they can give insight that you might overlooked when you read the paper.