My latest Twitter update, written while dramatically hyperventilating:
Why I thought it made sense to have a baby before finishing my MA is beyond me. FML.
Tonight I started working (again) on more revisions to my thesis proposal. I've been working on this damn thing for fucking ever, it seems. In May of Two Thousand Frickin' Eight, I turned in my first thesis proposal, only to have it stomped on and rejected by the committee. I, the great overachiever, was crushed about it and spent the entire summer licking my wounds.
Well, right as the school year was set to start again, I found out I was pregnant. Yippee! I just knew I could graduate before popping out the kiddo. I only had two classes left to take! Surely I could take those, write a bitchin' proposal, write an acceptable thesis, and even attend the graduation ceremony!
Ahhh, naivete. Pregnancy kicked my ass. And then motherhood did. Does. Repeatedly.
So here I sit. I've managed to complete all my classes (did that a year ago this coming April), so now I'm just collecting financial aid while I remain continuously enrolled and "work" on my proposal. Only I never seem to work on it as much as I know I need to, because I'm so distracted by pretty much everything. Kiddo, husband, house, cats, photos, books, writing, this blog, the internet, the to-do list, plans for the future, laundry, dishes...
Truthfully I just don't care anymore about this damn thesis. Or the degree, really. I just don't have the same priorities that I had when I entered the program back in fall of Two Thousand Frickin' Five. But I just. can't. not. do it. I can't just throw away all my hard work, five years of frustration and immersion.
But I want to. I want to be done with this so badly. I want to cry like a snotty little emo kid right now.
Tonight I sat at the table and looked over the most recent batch of comments on my proposal, and I realized that I just can't remember much of anything that I've learned in my program. I'm really going to have to reteach myself a lot of things in order to write something that's somewhat intelligible. I can't think of anything I'd rather not do more. But I'm going to do it. I have to. I want - no, need - to graduate in June. As much as I have loved my college education, I am ready to end this chapter and move on to the next.
If any of you thought I am a little crazy for obsessing so much over Charlie's naps, this is why. I need him to take good long naps at home so I can actually have time to work on this and still have something of me left over at night for Roy. (That's not the only reason. But it's a Biggie McBiggerson.)
I don't know what I'm looking for here. I guess some words of encouragement would be nice. Especially since, at this point, I am really doubting my ability to do this. (Do you ever just think, "I can't do it."? Yeah, that's me right now.) Maybe some advice as to how to handle the nap situation, if you have any. Or how to get motivated about my thesis instead of letting fear freeze me. Just something. Anything! I'm breathing into a paper bag here.