I woke up this morning with a serious case of writer's remorse. I always feel that way after posting something that is particularly emotionally charged, and in case you couldn't tell, my last entry certainly was.
Lately I've considered ending my blogging "career." (I have no better word for "career." I make no money off this blog. Just so we're clear.) I have a real desire to document my life, and that's why I started doing this. (You can read more about how I feel about blogging here.)
Back in 2007, I had no idea that there were such things as professional bloggers. My first real introduction to the world of professional blogging was the much revered, love-her-or-hate-her Heather Armstrong. Since then I have come to admire those bloggers out there who have a huge following. I've had fantasies of becoming one of them, actually.
But I know that I will never really be a professional blogger. Blogging is something I enjoy doing, but it's fun and therapeutic for me. I have such a small readership that there aren't many real expectations, like that I need to write at least five times a week or SWITCH TO ALL CAPS WHEN I'M SAYING SOMETHING FUNNY. And you know what? I like having a small following as opposed to a large one. There's no hate mail or comments to moderate. Everyone is supportive. I consider most of my commenters to be my friends. It's a win-win.
I also have this real desire to tell the truth. I don't want to put a spin on something. I'm not really that kind of writer. I report things as I experience them, and if I happen to get the facts wrong, it's because I genuinely got the facts wrong, not because I was stretching the truth or trying to write a certain way. Not saying there's anything wrong with either one of those things, but they're just not me.
All that said, recently I read this post on Heather Armstrong's blog about how she is now a part of the HGTV family. And then I watched this Momversation, where Maggie of Mighty Girl revealed that she had been sponsored by Intel to complete some things on her Mighty Life List.
And even though I really have no desire to be an internet celebrity, or a celebrity at all, I found myself flushed with jealousy. Me, the person who doesn't even watch HGTV and has yet to complete her own life list. I began to wonder why I am so ordinary and how to make myself more interesting.
But this is as interesting as it gets.
And I never feel like that is enough, that I am enough. And so I start to second guess myself when I get all emo on here, and I tell myself, "No one wants to hear it, Leslie. Be happy! Be funny! Be clever! Don't write a really long post; people don't want to read that shit. And make sure you include pictures!"
And that is why I have considered not blogging anymore. I may not be an internet celebrity, but the pressure is still there. And I worry about whether I use you guys, my readers, as an emotional crutch, if I depend on you too much for your input and support. I start to wonder if I am being too negative or if my general feelings of being lost are starting to seep through too much. I worry about being judged.
I am not planning on deleting my blog or anything, but I do think that I need to take a step back and revisit my intentions for this space. This happens to coincide well with my needing to cut back on how much time I spend online. Like it or not, I need to write my thesis, and it's not going to happen if I am constantly checking Twitter or Facebook. I have wasted so much valuable time on those two websites, thinking that *gasp* I might miss something! In reality, all I'm missing are opportunities to work on things that are important to me and/or things that need to be done.
I'll still be here, but less. Maybe I'll post twice a week or so. There's a rich life out there for me that has nothing to do with the computer.
Thanks for continuing to check in and for being my friends, all of you. You (and your words) mean more to me than I could ever express.