Five years ago...

...I went out on a date with a very cute blue-eyed boy. We chatted (awkwardly at first) over coffee, ate Mexican food for dinner, and then hit up a local pub, where we played pool and I got drunk on two apple martinis. Despite the fact that I accidentally sent a cue ball flying across the room, that sweet blue-eyed boy kissed me (which led to many more kisses that night). And then he actually called me the next day. And the day after. And the day after. And the day after that...



It's been five years since that night. I'm writing this post in the darkness of our bedroom, while that lovely blue-eyed boy is snoring loudly with his arm thrown around my waist. Our baby sleeps peacefully in the next room. Elsewhere in our little house, our three cats are throwing one of their crazy night raves. Dirty dishes are piled up in the sink. Leftover unsold wares from our yard sale yesterday are strewn about the living room. Bills are unpaid, laundry is unfolded, and we haven't mopped or vacuumed in who knows how long. Our life is terribly imperfect, oftentimes reverting to complete chaos.

In the midst of it all, I snuggle into him and just breathe. He is my peaceful place, my quiet warrior, my soul reflected back to me.

Happy five years, my love.

At Last

Roy and I decided that for our wedding anniversaries, we would take trips to celebrate instead of buying each other gifts. Last year we went to Minneapolis. This year we went for a short day trip (for obvious reasons) out to Orange County.

Mandy came over to stay with Charlie for the day. It was our first time leaving him with a babysitter. We posed for a family photo before heading out.



We made it out of the house okay, but by the time we got to our destination (the Bowers Museum), I felt like someone had ripped my heart out. I missed Charlie so much. I couldn't stop talking about him. (There's a shock.)

We ate lunch at the museum cafe. I had crab cakes, and Roy had something weird.




We stopped at the museum gift shop. As far as museum gift shops go, this one was amazing. I found so many things I wanted, but we only ended up getting this (for Charlie):



The main hallway of the museum had some striking pictures (not sure of the medium) of Chinese warriors.





There was also a whole exhibit of really awesome photos from Africa.





We made a new friend.



We didn't get to stay as long as I wanted. But we made up for it by stopping by this great deli (strictly for the bakery) and grabbing some goodies. I hadn't been there in years.





Still as good as ever.

We crept home in the typical Orange County traffic, listening to our wedding playlist on the way. We managed to stop off at home for a few minutes so I could get my Charlie fix (I was jonesing big time and almost in tears at several points throughout the day). Then we headed out to our local movie theatre to see Away We Go. The theatre looked like this:



We really loved the movie. Go watch it!

Afterwards we went to Border's and stayed long enough to see this:



It was kind of a WTF moment for me because I couldn't help but wonder if someone wrote this and then just waited around for Michael Jackson to die.

We picked up dinner and headed home. Mandy and Paul were nice enough to stay and take Charlie for the night, thereby giving us a wonderful opportunity to sleep in our bed together and without interruption. I'd like to say that we got freaky but I hadn't been taken off pelvic rest yet. It's not like I'd tell you anyway, you perverts.

So that was our second wedding anniversary. And it was a great one. It was no trip to Minneapolis, but considering during our anniversary trip last year, it felt like we would never get pregnant, I'd take this one any time.

It's amazing how much can change in a year.

These Happy Golden Years*

I don’t love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.**


And so this is love:

Its inception,





Its promise,





Its vows,





Its commitment,





Its life,





Its realization.





Now my heart is full.***

I am more in love with you now than I have ever been. You are all I ever could have hoped for in a partner. Thank you for loving me and our son so completely and selflessly.

Happy second wedding anniversary, my heart. You make me so incredibly happy.

-----------------

* - Laura Ingalls Wilder
** - Pablo Neruda
*** - Morrissey

Happy Date-iversary! / Ten Things I Love About Roy

Four years ago, Roy and I went out on our very first date.

By the time we met, unrequited love and I were really good friends. As a result, I was a cynic. I didn't believe in "the one." I didn't believe that I would ever get married because I didn't see myself as the marrying kind. And I sure as hell didn't think that anyone would ever really love me the way I really needed to be loved.

I had my heart locked up in a small metal box. I didn't think I knew how to love unconditionally. I didn't think I knew how to love at all. I thought I would always be alone, no matter who I was with. To me, love meant limits and walls. It wasn't a beautiful thing - no, to me, love was dangerous.

Imagine my surprise when this unassuming young guy with striking blue eyes took me out on the most awesome first date ever and actually called me the next day. Imagine my delight when he did indeed call me the day after we first had sex. Imagine my joy when he told me three short weeks after our first date that he was falling in love with me. Imagine my shock when I realized that I felt the same way with absolutely no reservations - and it felt completely safe.

Imagine that.

Our relationship has not been anything close to resembling a fairy tale. And neither was our first date. When he took me out that first time, he didn't bother to clean out his car, he wore some ratty jeans and a T-shirt, and he ran out of money. He made no effort to be anyone other than himself. I loved that about him - I still love that about him. I think he's amazing. I think he's real. I think he's made me a better person. I think that he's my best friend and the only man I've ever been with who has ever really loved me. I think that he's the only man I've ever been with who I've been able to love without reservation.

In all honesty, I think he's absolutely perfect. And I think I knew it four years ago when we went out on our first date and I got drunk on apple martinis while playing pool. I'm so glad he called me on March 11, 2005, and asked me out. That phone call changed my life.



Here are ten things that I love about my Roylet:

1) He gives me permission to feel what I feel. If he catches me apologizing for or questioning my emotions, he always tells me that it's okay to feel the way I do. I have never had a single significant other who was able to do this for me.

2) He's flippin' adorable. Seriously, it does not get any cuter than Roy. It just can't. The world would be in serious trouble if it had more cuteness to reckon with.

3) He tells me he loves me all the time.

4) We don't fight (in the normal sense of the word, anyway). We get irritated with each other every now and then, of course, but our "fights" get solved so quickly that they don't even really feel painful most of the time.

5) He wants to make me happy.

6) He is going to be a wonderful father. I have seen this quality in him since the very beginning, and I have always known that his children are the ones that I want to have. I know he's scared of screwing up, but I also know that he's going to be absolutely amazing as a dad.

7) He keeps me interested. I have to admit that I have always had a wandering eye and a mind that goes off to really kinky places that don't necessarily involve the person I'm with - if you couple this with my genuine curiosity and my own pathologies and dysfunctions, I have not always been on the straight and narrow path in my past relationships. But Roy is able to keep me so emotionally secure and protected that everyone else in the world simply pales in comparison. (And I'm sure that the fact that I am much more mature than I used to be is also a factor in this as well.)

8) We are fully honest with each other. This is something I had never experienced in a relationship before. It's very freeing to know that I can tell him any damn thing and know that he will still love me.

9) He's affectionate. He hugs me, holds me, and gives me kisses. He does things to make me laugh. He doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning because he wants to be with me (and vice versa).

10) He has really challenged my assumptions about people and especially men. Roy has renewed my faith in humanity. He is just such a good person that being with him makes me want to be a better person. I am so honored to be his wife.



The four years that we've been together have undoubtedly been the best of my life. I'm looking forward to a whole lifetime of happiness with the cutest husband ever.

Happy Date-iversary, behbehs!

A Decade

I realized earlier this month that it has now been ten years since 1999. One decade. That is hugely significant. I can clearly remember the late 90s. I'm one of those people who thinks that the 90s were recent. When I was younger, I would have made fun of me.

On a more serious note, today marks the 10-year anniversary of the violent death of a girl I once knew. I write about her every year on or around this day. If you'd like some background on what happened, click here.

I remember how her death came when we were on the cusp of a new century and new millenium. How, in the midst of all that possibility of technology and growth, there was this senseless, awful tragedy to reckon with. How my entire hometown struggled to make sense of what had happened. How shocked and frozen I felt upon hearing the news. How I watched her broken-hearted parents walk down the aisle at the church where they held her funeral.

Ten years later, I'd be surprised if anyone really understood the meaning behind her murder. It's just one of those things that does not make more sense no matter how much time passes. The murder of a 20-year-old by handgun is not one of those things that can ever be explained or "gotten over." It just doesn't work like that. Death, no matter how it happened or who it happened to, is hard fact of life. I think the finality of losing someone is one of those things you have to learn to live with. You have to make a space for that loss in your life. You have to acknowledge that it's there in order to move on.

But today I want to talk about life, not death.

I think many, many people (myself included) get bogged down by everyday life. There's marriage and work and kids and school and bills and a failing economy and not enough hours in the day. It's hard not to be overwhelmed by our responsibilities. But I think it's important to remember what our real responsibilities are. They do not include money, a job, a house, or the overdue bills. I'm talking about something a little more elementary. I'm talking about spending time with those we love, saying "I love you," following our deepest dreams, and trying to be healthy (in all ways).

It seems that we spend so much time trying to get to the right place at the right time that we forget to look around and say, "Hey, I'm here right now. I'm going to enjoy this." Before we know it, the moment has passed and we are on to the next thing.

But the truth is, I'm tired of letting the moments pass me by. I complain a lot about things sometimes, and while needing to vent is certainly valid, I wish I had the wisdom to really understand that where I am is where I am and that I shouldn't get upset with myself for not being where I think I should be.

But I am not wise. I'm just human. Completely and irrevocably flawed. A creature of hindsight, not foresight.

However, I have always been keenly attuned to the idea of death. It is not some abstract thing to me. It is a reality. Since I was a young girl, I have known that my time on this Earth is limited and that if I'm going to live, I better do it now and do it as well as I can. Still, it took me forever to realize that while I was waiting for my life to start, it had actually already started and begun to play out.

In three months or so, Roy and I will have a real live baby to care for. Charlie is going to complicate and change our lives in ways we probably haven't even begun to anticipate, but one thing I know is that Charlie will instill in us an amazing amount of love and hope for all of life's possibilities. Ultimately, I think love and hope are what keep us holding on when times are hard; they propel us forward and keep us afloat. And yeah, I think one of our main responsibilities in life is to give that love and hope to others. You never know who might need it.

One thing that I want to remember today is that a 20-year-old girl died 10 years ago, and she had no choice in the matter. It's only fair to her (and to the others that have passed on) that we live and that we do it well, with love and hope in our hearts. And that's another reason why I'm doing Love Week this coming week. I need to remember how lucky I am. I need to remind myself that every day is a gift, as cliche as it sounds. I need to know that the world can be as beautiful as it is cruel. And ultimately, I need to be reminded of the fact that love and time are the ultimate healers of our pain and sorrow.

Thanks for listening.

The Most Problematic of Times

This is a wonderful, dynamic point in history to be alive. We are more connected than ever. We have more options and resources than we had yesterday, thanks to the internet. The virtual world is literally growing at record speed, offering us more ways to expand our minds and worldviews. There are more options for everything else as well: lifestyles, treatment for diseases, jobs, etc. Same-sex marriage is now legal in California, which is a huge and important step towards equality.

This is also one of the scariest and most sobering times. We are more connected and plugged-in, and yet the emotional distance between people seems to grow more and more. Recently, I heard someone throw out a very offensive racial slur like it was nothing for no good reason at all (but is there ever a good reason?). I found this deeply troubling. Here we are, on the cusp of discovering so many new things - and yet we still don't know how to treat each other with respect and - dare I even say it? - love.

When I hear things like that, I have to wonder if the progress we have made has been cancelled out by bigotry, sexism, homophobia, and hatred. I have to wonder if we have learned anything from the tragedy of 9/11 at all.

This is an anniversary that reminds me of all the different beliefs that exist in the world and how taking those beliefs too far can be incredibly destructive. It's something that I try to remember: that no matter what the color of our skin is, no matter what church we go or don't go to, no matter what our political affiliation is, we are all just people.

I don't always succeed, naturally. But the memories of 9/11 make me want to keep trying my absolute best at being a good person.

I realize that this sounds like some after-school special or Lifetime movie, but I don't have it in me to come up with something really clever right now. So naive cliches it is.

Happy awakening day, America. It's time to turn things around. It's never too late to start living more consciously.

A Golden Afternoon

Back in June, we met our amazingly awesome wedding photographer Crissy at the Morey Mansion for our one-year anniversary photo shoot. It was an extraordinarily hot day, but we made it through and got some gorgeous photos. Well, Crissy got the photos - we just did what she told us to do.












Thanks for doing such an awesome job, Crissy!

Of Marriage, Downtown, and Love Letters: Day Two of Our Anniversary Trip

Monday was our official one-year wedding anniversary. The three of us started off the day by going back to the Global Market for lunch. This time we actually got to order the pizza we wanted. Afterwards, we took a walk down to the park near Wade's house. It was quite pretty, because it was all green and quiet. We walked around the lake and then stopped and rested a bit on this concrete stage-like thing. I laid on my back and stared up at the trees. The light was falling on the leaves perfectly, and a gentle breeze was blowing. I decided that it needed to be captured on video (even though the video ended up being pretty boring).



Afterwards, Wade drove us to the Grand Hotel in downtown Minneapolis and dropped us off for a night of lavishness. (Thanks for the rec, Kim!)





We had decided that our anniversary night needed to be extra special, and the Grand Hotel certainly made sure we were well taken care of. I loved our room. The bed was amazing. So comfortable!





You'll notice that the bathtub has its own TV and the toilet has its own door.









We hung out in our room for awhile and then ventured out to explore the downtown area.



We ended up in the nearby Nicollet Mall, and it took us forever to find actual stores. During our search, we sat down and had some ice cream from Cold Stone. I hadn't had any in a year or so, so it was a really nice treat. When we finally found the stores, we were kind of disappointed by the selection.

Roy decided that he wanted to find a bookstore (which suited me just fine), so we followed our noses (and green Barnes & Noble bags) until we found it. I found a book of love letters that seemed appropriate for the day, and I sat reading it on the second floor facing the street. It was early evening at this point, and the streets were relatively quiet. I felt very calm and happy to be sitting there reading those very private letters on our anniversary in a lovely, lovely city.



While we were in the store, my mom called at 6:30 PM and said, "Do you know what you were doing a year ago at this moment?" I thought it was so sweet that she remembered the time when we officially became husband and wife. We talked for a bit, Roy and I made our purchases, and then we went back to our hotel.



My original plan was for us to have a nice dinner out, but we decided to stay in, order room service, and watch a movie. We watched Made of Honor (it had to be a wedding-related movie), ate our yummy room service food, and later ordered dessert (a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a banana split). Although it was really low-key, it was a wonderful evening.

(Psst - The below pictures are awful. I took them without flash with my brother's point and shoot, and they were really dark. I tried to fix them in Lightroom, but they just look noisy. Oh well.)





The best part? Our disgustingly sappy declarations of love to each other. Roy and I are always good at telling each other how we feel, and we do it often. But we said it a little more and with a little more oomph on our anniversary. Cheesy ol' me even shed a few tears. I am so very, very lucky.