Years ago, maybe even as many as ten years ago, a dear friend wrote a poem for me called "Thanksgiving Morning." I still have it, somewhere. The poem had an undercurrent of darkness, as I recall, but its message was one of hope and friendship. I was touched that someone would write something like that for little ol' me. Still am.
So. Today is Thanksgiving.
The month of November carries with it a lot of heaviness. I could go into it, but I won't. For a few years there, November was not so heavy. But then this year, it came back. I don't know why. But there it is, that ol' familiar November heaviness.
It's like they say: November spawned a monster.
So things have been tough and I've been trying to put what it's been like into words but have always failed miserably. Which is okay because sometimes I just need to sit and be with my feelings for awhile.
I called my dad earlier in the week, and our conversation was unsurprisingly brief. I was scared to death to say those three little words to him, but then I remembered that being afraid of something is often a good reason to do it. So I said to my dad, "I love you." And he said it back. And the sharing of those words doesn't make it all better, but I am so thankful this holiday to have the chance to tell him I love him. And to accept those words from him.
This Thanksgiving I am grateful for more chances and more time. Because there's never enough of either one.
I'm not going to list all the other things I'm thankful for - because my list this year is remarkably similar to last year's, minus the pregnancy announcement. But I do want to acknowledge that as painful and sorrowful as life can be, every tear and moment of heartbreak is worth it. Because I have these two:
And a wonderfully complicated (but amazing) family. And the best friends I could ever ask for. And three lovely kitties. And a house to live in, a car to drive, books to read, a computer to use, and all those other comforts of living.
But you know what else I am so grateful for?
Myself. As much as I doubt myself, as angry as I get with myself, as strong as my emo tendencies can be, I am still happy to be me and I am proud of all that I have accomplished.
I said I wasn't going to make a list, didn't I?
Happy Thanksgiving, friends! Enjoy your day with your families, friends, and food. I'll see you back here tomorrow, unless you've decided to brave the Black Friday crowds. And if that's the case, you must be crazy.