November 10, 2009

I just end up walking in the cold November rain.

It's only Tuesday, and this week already feels too long.

My dad has been moved into a nursing home. Apparently his condition has worsened to the point where his doctors were adamant that he not live alone anymore. He's been disoriented, has fallen down several times, and has probably had several small seizures and strokes. My aunt and uncle, who have overseen his care and finances since he had a major stroke ten years ago, moved him out of his apartment and into a nursing home near them. I had no idea any of this was happening, as my dad really is not the best communicator in the world. So getting the news was like getting punched in the stomach multiple times.

The latest developments in my dad's 27-year illness have reopened some old wounds (that probably were never healed to begin with). At times like this I am reminded of how deeply devastating my dad's disability has been for me and the rest of my family (not to mention his side of the family). I guess there are some things that you just never get over. You just learn to live with them because you have no fucking choice. That's what sucks about life.

I feel like my whole life I've been waiting for my dad to die. And when I heard the news, it felt like finally it was all coming to an end. I was so stricken with a multitude of emotions. And then I realized that as prepared as I am for the phone call that my dad has passed away, whenever it may come, the truth is I'm not prepared at all. I am not ready to lose him completely yet; I am not ready to say goodbye.

I want my dad to meet Charlie. And he wants to meet Charlie. According to my aunt, he asks about Charlie all the time and wants to see pictures. I spent tonight making him a photo album, and tomorrow I will mail it out. I am happy to contribute something, to do something that will bring him some comfort. I wish that I could be there. I feel hugely guilty that I am not. I don't feel like I have the right to my own life when my dad is suffering. But I know he wants me to live and be happy.

But anyway, my dad is not dying in the sense that they can see the end of his life just around the corner. He is dying in the sense that he's got a ticking time bomb of an inoperable vascular tumor in his brain. All of his symptoms (that he's had for years) are intensifying. He needs round-the-clock care now, but it's my impression that he's still himself. Which makes me so, so happy.

The plan is to go see him while we're in Texas in December. I wish I could see him sooner. But I know it'll be a great day when he can finally meet his grandson.

I never really ask for this unless I really need it, but please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. I'm not in a really good place right now, because of this and because I'm processing some other big, huge, life-changing things. When it rains, it really fucking pours. Oh yes, it does.

22 comments:

sherthebear said...

my thoughts and prayers are with your family. I am sorry that you must go through this.

kim said...

h+p, my friend.

xoxo

Sara said...

Im so sorry Leslie...H+P!

Wade said...

I love you. I don't have the words, otherwise. Never will.

Nanette said...

Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

weezermonkey said...

<3

phairhead said...

sending out lots of love!

Myra said...

You're in my thoughts and prayer's, fwend.

inflammatory writ said...

Thinking of you my dear. <3

Crazy Daisy said...

Hugs, prayers and thoughts coming your way!

thebookmill said...

sending positive thoughts your way

Amy said...

I'll definitely be praying for you.

Growing Up Cameron said...

Life does tend to suck now & again. Sorry you're going through this roller coaster of emotions.

*hugs*

khairun said...

I always look forward to reading your posts, but I wish it didnt have to be something as sad as this. My parents have finally met their grandson but will only be staying for a few days. I was very sad about this at first and will probably remain sad about it after they leave. But, knowing that you are going through such a tough time, makes me feel truly grateful for the time I have with them.
Hang in there. You have a lot of inner strength which is admirable.

xxx Khairun

George said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the latest complications to your life. It's a great thing that you will be visiting Texas next month and will be able to see your dad and he will be able to see Charlie. I've been following your blogs on a regular basis. It's great to see Charlie grow up. He's quite handsome.

tootie said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. I will definitely keep your family in my prayers.

Erika said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.....*hugs*

Bex said...

Sending prayers your way, xoxo.

Anonymous said...

sorry to hear about your dad...alway thinking about you...My dad had mentioned he hasn't seen him around in a while...~ Lynn

Angie Eats Peace said...

Sorry to hear this : /
I am glad he will get to see Charlie, soon.

amber said...

{{hugs}} You guys are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

alejna said...

I'm sorry I missed this. I was glad to see the next post.

How are things going now?