Lately things have been challenging. This year, November has pretty much sucker-punched me repeatedly. It's got me thinking about some changes I'd like to make in my life. There are three items on my List of Personal Change:
1) Work towards living an even greener lifestyle.
This has become hugely important to me. As members of our society seem to remain obsessed with buying new things and having so much more than they could possibly need, I am really drawn towards a simpler way of living. While I love my computers and cameras and other assorted fun things, I know that you can have too much "progress." My goal is to get back to nature and to stop depending so much on everyone else to provide me with what I need. I'd like to grow my own food, sew/mend my own clothes, get down to just having one car, and learn how to be more self-sufficient.
Becoming more healthy goes hand in hand with becoming more green, I think. From what I understand, the things that are bad for our bodies are also bad for the world at large, so I'd like to work towards breaking those really unhealthy habits I have (and there are quite a few). I'd love to stop drinking soda/caffeine entirely, for example.
I still have a lot of work to do. I'm definitely one of those people who loves to buy things I don't need. I have my fair share of unhealthy addictions. I'm going to have to learn how not to be such a consumer. That is going to be extremely hard.
2) Stop doubting myself, and start trusting my intuition.
I realized this month that had I trusted my intuition in some past situations, the outcomes of said situations would have been so much different for me. Take, for example, my birth experience. Even before being induced, I knew it was something I didn't want. I really didn't feel that it was the right thing to do, but I gave it to the fear-mongering and let it happen. The result was one of the worst experiences of my life.
My self-doubt is one of the most crippling aspects of my personality. While I will always maintain that a healthy dose of doubt is a good thing, I think mine goes beyond healthy at times. I need to learn when to say, "Hey, this isn't right. I can feel it in my gut." And in order to do that, I think I need to really recognize that ultimately I know what's right for me.
(And in regards to my birth experience, what makes some doctor think that he is the expert when it comes to my body? This angers me. I'm still working through those layers of emotions regarding that experience, and some part of me feels that I always will be.)
3) Develop more discipline.
When I was a kid, it seemed like everything came very easily for me. I got good grades, was an excellent ballet/tap dancer, and wrote these amazing stories. I did all these things (and more) with little effort. It was just easy.
These things don't come so easily for me anymore. Everything takes a lot more work than it used to. I can't write awesome stories at the drop of a hat. I had to really push myself to maintain a good grad school GPA. And while I used to be effortlessly thin, I'm really not anymore. I mean, I guess I would be considered thin, but if I want a different body than the one I currently have, I'm going to have to work for it.
I am convinced that I would be a much better writer, photographer, seamstress, etc. if I just tried harder. If I just stopped being distracted by the millions of things the world has to offer and focused on what I need to accomplish now. If I just stopped talking about it and did it. If I just got out of my own way.
I need to learn how to hold myself accountable. To focus. To be disciplined every day. So that I can get a little closer to reaching my full potential.
So those are my goals for 2010. A little early, I guess, but who says that I can't start working on them now? Because in all actuality, these are life goals for life changes that I will probably have to work at for the rest of my life.
What are your goals for yourself? Do you make resolutions for the new year?
Happy end of NaBloPoMo! Thanks for sticking with me through this clusterfuck of a month. As for me, it's break time. 30 straight days of writing about myself and my life = insanity.