July 27, 2009

A picture is worth a word or two.

When I flip through my "Birth Day" photo folder, this is the photo that always gives me pause.



This picture makes my heart ache so badly that I wish I could rip it out and never feel again. Maybe it's the fact that Charlie's mouth is open in a silent cry. Maybe it's the knowing that he was cold and scared, having just been born and all. Maybe it's the realization that this was a moment in my baby's life that I missed and will never get back because I failed at something that should have come so naturally.

Countless women give birth every day without having to be put under general anesthesia and have their babies cut out of them - why couldn't I?

I hate that I am still so hurt over everything that happened almost two months ago. I hate that I can't let go of all the crap and just focus on my beautiful and healthy baby.

But that letting go thing is so, so hard - especially on nights like this.

6 comments:

cowboyboot lady said...

I am sorry you are still feeling the hurt and pain. I hope it lessens as time goes on. I understand why you feel like you do.

Mr. and Mrs. said...

Hey Les, remember nursegirl2174 from the knot? I read your blog and I just wanted to say this post makes me sad for you. You may not remember but I'm a labor & delivery nurse and if you need to talk about your experience or have any questions you can always email me. Hope things are looking up for you. Charlie is such a cutie pie!!

Brenda said...

I'm sorry Les :(

sherthebear said...

Les, I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling.

amber said...

{{hugs}} I'm so sorry. :(

Crazy Daisy said...

one day at a time dear. {{{HUGS}}}