When I flip through my "Birth Day" photo folder, this is the photo that always gives me pause.
This picture makes my heart ache so badly that I wish I could rip it out and never feel again. Maybe it's the fact that Charlie's mouth is open in a silent cry. Maybe it's the knowing that he was cold and scared, having just been born and all. Maybe it's the realization that this was a moment in my baby's life that I missed and will never get back because I failed at something that should have come so naturally.
Countless women give birth every day without having to be put under general anesthesia and have their babies cut out of them - why couldn't I?
I hate that I am still so hurt over everything that happened almost two months ago. I hate that I can't let go of all the crap and just focus on my beautiful and healthy baby.
But that letting go thing is so, so hard - especially on nights like this.