Everybody Else's Girl: My Love Affair with the Music of Tori Amos

When I was 15, I discovered the wonder that is Tori Amos. I hung around with my friends (who were sisters) Katie and Bonnie much of the time that year. One afternoon I came over to their house, walked into Katie's room, and heard this mysterious, magical, and very sad melody playing on her tape player. I was intrigued and discovered that it was the "God" single. Eventually I ended up buying the "God" single on CD, but to my dismay, the song I heard in Katie's room wasn't on it. It ended up being on another single (but I can't remember which one at the moment). Finally, I learned the name of the haunting song that served as my introduction to Tori Amos: "Sister Janet". I was 15 years old, and I fell head over heels with the music of Tori Amos.

I bought Little Earthquakes, her first album after the failure of her first artistic venture, Y Kant Tori Read. I listened to Little Earthquakes over and over. I was completely taken by her voice and the music, but I didn't really pay much attention to the meaning of the lyrics. Eventually I knew them all by heart, although I don't think I really understood what they meant to me until after I graduated from high school.

When I was 19, I went to my first Tori Amos concert (and my first concert ever, actually). It was in Austin, Texas, at The Backyard, and Tori was promoting her From the Choirgirl Hotel album (which is one of my all-time favorite albums). It was a completely amazing experience and a turning point in how I began to process her music. From that point on, I became a genuine Toriphile (or Ears with Feet, as Tori calls her fans).

Tori's music saw me through many dark days during my very angsty late teens/early 20s. She was able to put in words what I could not express. I felt she had written her songs with me in mind, and I felt so very close to her. (I know that sounds creepy, but rest assured, I wasn't a stalker or anything. I was just a really troubled woman-child who needed a hero.) I went to see her live 6 more times, sometimes with just her and her piano, sometimes with the band, sometimes with part of the band. Each time I saw her live was a magical experience. She was (and I'm sure she still is) an amazing performer.

I'm not sure what happened after that. Right around the years of 2001-2003, Tori's music began to go in a different direction. In my opinion, it became much more underdeveloped, so listening to it didn't really do anything for me anymore. I was sort of disappointed in her for not creating the complex music that she had once produced. I stopped buying/downloading her albums after Scarlet's Walk failed to really hold my attention. I haven't seen her live since 2002 or 2003.

But I still count myself a loyal fan, as I still love her older music and consider her as one of my favorite musical artists. I still think she is amazing, brave, beautiful, and heroic, even though I may not agree with some of her creative choices. As a matter of fact, I respect her that much more for always trying new things instead of continuing to produce the same thing over and over. Her music will always hold a very special place in my heart, because to forget her is to deny a huge part of my past. Watching her music evolve has been as rewarding as watching myself grow and change.

She's been everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own
-Tori Amos, "Girl"

I'd say she's already there. And so am I. Thanks, Tori, for seeing me through.

*****

Here's the video for one of my favorite Tori Amos songs, "Hey Jupiter":

Last Weekend of Freedom

It had to happen eventually. School begins again tomorrow, and I have a heavier load this quarter. The good news is I'm going to begin work on my thesis proposal. The bad news is I'm going to be pretty busy with school, work, and just life in general for the next 10 weeks. I'm already looking forward to Spring Break! With all this in mind, I planned a fun weekend with my husband and homies and managed to get my mind off some things that have had me really stressed out.

Yesterday Roy, Myra, and I drove out to LA to see the Dali exhibit at LACMA and the Murakami exhibit at MOCA. Unfortunately, the Dali exhibit was sold out, so we trucked over to MOCA for the Murakami exhibit. I wasn't familiar with Murakami's work until yesterday. I enjoyed it very much. While I can't say that he is one of my favorites, I find his subject matter very interesting, disturbing, and funny. Cameras were not allowed into the Murakami exhibit, so this one (which was one of my favorites) will have to do.



Afterwards, we had dinner at a Japanese restaurant nearby, which I enjoyed. We took a nice walk around our neighborhood once we got home. (I'm pretty sure that as I age, I will look back on these walks we take with a great deal of fondness and nostalgia. I'll remember how young we were and how we loved to take these walks and talk about the future.)

Today I met Kim for lunch at El Torito. We sat in the bar, ingested mass quantities of margaritas and chips and salsa, and gabbed. Afterwards we made a quick stop at Border's just to browse. We then walked over to the movie theatre for our mini IE Nest GTG (get together) to see Juno. In addition to Kim and me, Melinda, Angelina, and Amy were there. I enjoyed the movie very much, although it won't be going on my Most Favoritest Movies List. (Probably because I would never use the word "favoritest.") In all seriousness, it was a cute movie, and I would maybe buy it on DVD. It had a nice feel and mood to it that many American movies are missing, in my opinion.

Afterwards, I came home and have been doing random things ever since to prepare for tomorrow. I've been meaning to import my pictures from my camera to post some of the self-proclaimed cool ones I've taken, but alas, I am far too lazy at this moment.

I am really hoping that this next quarter just flies by. I am also hoping that I remain motivated enough to keep up my GPA. I've come this far, so I just need to keep on truckin'. Burnout truly sucks.

2 Month Update: 101 in 1001

It's time for the second installment of what I've accomplished on my 101 in 1001 list!

1) Obtain a decent SLR camera and learn to use it. I received my SLR camera on Christmas Day, and while I haven't mastered it, I've learned it enough to take some really cool pictures.

47) Get rid of my bridal magazines. I was more than happy to see them go to Mandy once she got engaged on Christmas Eve.

53) Get Roy a new car. I never thought I would be crossing this one off my list so fast, but on December 15, that's exactly what I did.

72) Try some kind of food item that truly scares me. On December 26, I tried stuffed grape leaves at a Middle Eastern restaurant. That was a huge step for me, and one I won't be taking again - I seriously felt like I was going to vomit.

77) Get the Twin Peaks DVD box set. This was a Christmas gift from my mom. Very exciting!

81) Give food (not money) to a homeless person. I was finally successful with this one on December 5. I saw a homeless man on the same freeway offramp as the one before, but this time I was able to give someone less fortunate a couple of slices of pizza. This is one that I plan on repeating, by the way.

99) Buy a shoe rack for Roy. Bought on December 17 and given on Christmas Day. I really like it. It's one of those that hangs on the door. Roy doesn't have enough shoes to fill it, so I'm helping by adding some of mine. I'm such a great wife!

*****

Only 88 things to go!

Worm Trippin'

This playlist was created playlist for my mini-roadtrip with Melinda to see Kim. I called it "Worm Trippin'" as an homage to Melinda, who's about worm-height. We didn't really get to actually listen to the music because of the yak factor. But I still think it's a cool playlist and have been listening to it quite often since. It's got some songs that make me want to dance, some songs that make me want to cry, some songs that make me think, some songs that make me go "WTF?!", and everything else in between. So it's a lot like life. (It's listed in alphabetical order here. I always have my iPod on shuffle mode, so the order is always different when I'm listening to it.)

Hyper links to random videos featuring each song are provided for your convenience!

1) "Celebration Guns" - Stars
2) "Excess" - Tricky
3) "Exhibit 13 - Mandelbrot, No. 4" - Blue Man Group
4) "Gimme More" - Britney Spears
5) "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance with You" - Black Kids
6) "I Was Married" - Tegan and Sara
7) "Into the Fire" - Thirteen Senses
8) "It's Gonna Be (Alright)" - Ween
9) "Kill, Kill, Kill" - The Pierces
10) "Life's a Song" - Patrick Park
11) "Lights On" - The Pierces
12) "Like O, Like H" - Tegan and Sara
13) "Like Spinning Plates (Live)" - Radiohead
14) "Lose Yourself" - Eminem
15) "The Night Starts Here" - Stars
16) "Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)" - Digable Planets
17) "Sad Eyes" - Josh Rouse
18) "Secret" - The Pierces
19) "Shake Hands with Beef" - Primus
20) "She's the One" - Robbie Williams
21) "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
22) "Soul Meets Body" - Death Cab for Cutie
23) "Sugar" - Tori Amos
24) "This Fine Social Scene" - Zero 7
25) "This Is Such a Pity" - Weezer
26) "Time" - Tom Waits
27) "Very Loud" - Shout Out Louds
28) "Whistling In The Dark" - They Might Be Giants
29) "Why Does It Always Rain on Me?" - Travis
30) "Word Up" - Willis

New Links!

Yesterday at work I updated my sidebar (is that what it's called?) with a ton of new blog links and a whole new section! I actually read more blogs than that, but these are the ones I enjoy the most.

Funny, but yesterday at work, I was feeling very troubled, and organizing all my links made me feel much better. I wish I could say that I'm feeling better this morning, but to be quite honest, I'm still feeling really negative. And tired. Let's not forget how tired I am.

Even so, I hope to have my first Music Month post up later today.

For a moment, it's all so very clear.

Do you ever have those moments where you can see yourself with perfect clarity?

Today was one of those days. It was truly the most horrid day I've had in quite some time, but strangely, nothing significant happened. It was just another day where I rolled out of bed (late, as usual) went to work (late, as usual) and did next to nothing all day (as usual), and came home and did my normal random things.

On the other hand, something amazingly significant happened today. I was granted the ability to see all my flaws with perfect vision.

I actually consider myself a very self-aware person. I am probably too self-aware. I have always known what my flaws are and am usually very good about owning up to them. My philosophy is that no one can hurt me by pointing out my weak points, because I know myself much better and can hurt myself so much more. It's a defense mechanism. And while it's admirable to have insight into one's motivations and character, it also feels like complete bullshit sometimes.

There are just some flaws that I don't want to own up to. There are some flaws that I'm truly ashamed to have. I'm afraid to admit to them because I'm truly scared that they make me a bad person. And I have never wanted to be a bad person. I've always tried to do my best and be my best.

In the distant past, I had those days where I didn't like myself at all. For the past few years, I'm not sure if I've had a single one of those days. Sure, I always have doubts about whether I could have handled something better or whatnot, but I've usually been able to like myself despite my failings.

I realize that this is all very cryptic, but I don't really know how to describe what it is I'm experiencing at the moment. Let's just say that I feel really weak, sad, scared, and on the verge of a major existential crisis. There are times when I don't know what I'm doing, and this is one of those times.

Tonight my flaws feel incredibly deep. And when I look in the mirror, I see someone that is a stranger. I'm not sure if I can be friends with her.

I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow, I will feel differently. Maybe this is all a product of being tired.

God, I hope so.

Happy 2008!

It's 2008! I have a feeling that this will be another good year.

I spent New Year's Eve at work but left early because I was bored out of my skull. Once I got home, I immediately went outside with my camera so I could take advantage of the remaining light. I basically shot a few random things around my house and neighborhood. Here are a few shots that I like (again, nothing special - just me getting to know the camera):




Roy and I spent the evening at Mandy and Paul's. We cooked dinner there, played games, watched some TV, drank some mermosas, and just hung out. Mandy and I also began discussing details about their wedding. I'm going to be helping her and Paul since I've been down this road before. Oh, and I took some pictures of Cerby, who is very photogenic.



The best part of the evening? Mandy asked me to be her HOH. Actually, Paul said something about my being Mandy's ho, which opened the door to Mandy asking me if I wanted to be her Hausfrau of Honor in her wedding. Of course, I said yes (and of course, I teared up when she asked)! I like the sound of being a HOH much better than "Matron of Honor." Yucky.

Today we all went out to Mormon Rock with our friends Amy and Laura to commune with nature, but we didn't stay very long. Mandy and I didn't do any climbing. I have a case of vertigo that likes to freak me out. So I took some pics instead, which I was more than happy to do.



After some random stops (in Wrightwood and at Pine Creek Gardens) we ended up back at Mandy and Paul's and watched Sideways. Now we are home, and I am dreading work tomorrow. Let's hope that 2008 brings me some job fulfillment!

I've decided that I'm going to try to keep up with writing on a theme each month. I think I'll focus on music for January. Stay tuned! (Cheesy pun totally intended.)