Demonslayer

My brother recently wrote an excellent post about his high school experience. It took me back to my own past (though not necessarily high school). Tonight I dug out some old journals from my Great Depression and revisited some buried demons.

An excerpt:

2/7/00: "I finished my old journal this morning before work. Now it is in a box with the rest of the others, with the rest of me. Patty [old therapist] tells me she tries to put me in a box, but is frustrated because I don't fit. I am secretly pleased about this. I am satisfied about not fitting into a box. Then again, sometimes I'd like to be in a box so I can pinpoint what's wrong with me.

My monsters are not clearly definable anymore. It's all a big clump inside me now - but if this is better or worse, I have yet to discover. It's not just one thing anymore - when something bothers me, everything bothers me. It comes from the same place, and simultaneously a bunch of different places. Deep places that are nearer to the surface than I think. Yet still, the same place.

I used to see John's [first love] face in my mind all the time but now it's hard to conjure it up. Now it's a multitude of faces, words, and actions that make up one fucked-up version of Lucifer. Or maybe it's Jesus. These days I'm not sure what the difference is.

[...]

I see myself. I see myself trying desperately not to be a part of this cycle, trying to salvage myself from all these little pieces, all these forms.

Five years from now, will I still be Leslie? Will the monster have eaten me and turned me into everything I hate, everything I've become accustomed to?

I am trying to break free. But everyone around me is in chains. Almost everyone. Who can I look to? The person I am? The person I have potential to be? Who is there to fall back on?

In the end, when it all comes down to it, I am alone. Alone, afraid, trying to Break The Terror."

I have often referenced my Great Depression in blog entries, and while I don't believe in holding on too tightly to the past, those four, long, hard years had an undeniable impact on the person I have become. Those years continue to be my measuring tools for my state of being. Even now, if I am feeling unhappy, I think back on it, on those dark and lonely nights and days, and I thank whoever is listening that I made it through that awful time. I know that I can survive whatever life throws at me because I made it through my Great Depression. I honestly didn't know if I'd make it out alive sometimes. I was just so lost and so incredibly afraid.

It took a very long time and a lot of hard work, but my world of despair finally began to change (right around the time I moved to California in 2001, coincidentally). And when the happiness began to seep back in, it was like being reborn and wrapping my arms around this benevolent source of light. Life has never been perfect, and I've certainly had my fair share of emotional breakdowns since the Great Depression. But the bottom line is that I've learned to trust others again. I've filled my life with people who I think are wonderful. And I've really learned to focus on being kinder to myself and more accepting of who I am.

Tonight, oddly, I just feel proud of who I am. I'm not a hero, and I'm not a saint. I am really fucking flawed, as a matter of fact. But this life I have now and this person I am - I fought for both, and I won.

Still

I joined the Photo Trade this month. Basically, it's just as it sounds - trading photos with a partner each month. The photos are all based on a theme. The theme for September is "Still."

Here are the two photos I'm going to send out. I hope my partner likes them!




You can see other people's photos here.

In other news:

1) Roy and I worked out again tonight. I cussed at the TV quite a bit.

2) My computer is still being kind of a douchebag.

3) Last night I actually wrote a couple of poems that didn't suck sweaty balls.

4) I am reading a really good book.

5) I actually haven't been hating my job these days.

The end, for tonight.

149.6

That's how much I weigh right now.

Today Roy and I started working out to the 30-Day Shred video. Twenty minute workouts. No breaks. Very fucking intense.



I felt like I was going to die for a few brief seconds, but I completed the workout and am feeling good right now. I can't believe how out of shape I've let myself become. It's hard to believe that I used to do intense training for the dance team for four hours a day back in high school. How times have changed.

Roy and I plan on weighing in every Monday, so I'll be posting my results here. What I am after most is feeling good and being happy with my body. Oh, and fitting back into some select items of clothing would be good, too.

Wish me luck.

Jessica + Josh + Me + Ernie the cat = Good Times in Cherry Valley

A few weeks ago, I drove out to Cherry Valley to take some engagement pictures for my good friend and co-worker Jessica and her fiance Josh. Cherry Valley is absolutely gorgeous! I'm definitely going to have to do some more exploring of that area one of these days.

We took the majority of the photos at Josh's parents' house, and it was a truly great location. Not only that, but I got to meet one of the coolest cats ever: Ernie. The first thing I noticed about Ernie were his gigantic mitten paws.



I don't think I've ever met a cat who was so incredibly friendly. He was more like a dog. All he really wanted was to be petted and held, and I was happy to oblige. I found a lot of cat hair in my cleavage when I got home. Oh, and he had six toes on each foot, hence the gigantic paws.



Unfortunately, and I didn't know this then, Ernie's time on this earth was running very short. Jessica told me just this past Friday that he had more than likely been eaten by a wild animal. I was definitely a little heartbroken.

RIP, Ernie. You were the shit.

Okay, so back to the subject at hand: Jessica and Josh. Well, we had a great time while doing their session. They were really great models and did anything I asked. They get bonus points for patience (as it took me three weeks to get to any of their pictures) and for being so overwhelmingly photogenic. And I love the way they laugh all the time - I feel that it's a really important part of a relationship.

And now, the pictures!

I loved this tractor, and I loved that Jesshua and Jossica were willing to get on it.




And I loved this fountain. I took the fountain shots with two different cameras (and thus, two different lenses) and obviously processed them both differently. I really am pleased with the way they both came out.






If you look closely, you can see the rainbow in the sky. It had rained earlier that day.


This barn was great. I loved the red door. Did I mention that Josh's parents' property was totally amazing?








And last, but not least: Jessica's rock. Blurry but cool looking. I took this photo with my makeshift macro lens.


The final verdict on their pictures: I am really happy with the way they came out. I definitely learn more with each session. It helps to have patient people to work with. Thank you, J + J!

Things That Make Me Go "Wow"

1) Web Without Sense is a collection of complaints about websites. Needless to say, it's hilarious. Here's a good one:



2) And in keeping the Grammar Nazi spirit alive, Brandy made my day when she sent the picture below to me.



3) This video totally brings on the awesome.



4) And this one is so sweet.



5) The Book of Leviathan by Peter Blegvad is a visual treat for anyone who likes to think. This is a collection of comic strips featuring Leviathan, a faceless and overly philosophical baby, his stuffed rabbit, and the family cat. The gang go on many adventures, including a long trip to Hell, in this dark comedy of a story.



6) Love, love, LOVE this video. It's the funniest thing I've seen in awhile.



7) I also love this penis iceberg. Article here.



8) Lastly, I got my computer back! I've spent the last couple of days trying to get it the way it was before I took it in to be fixed (minus the spyware, of course). I'm still trying to import all my email, as well as figuring out how to convert my external hard drive to a more stable format. It's a work in progress, that's for sure. But hopefully I will have some new photos to share soon and will be able to be a better blog commenter.

Images from Ike

It has been quite scary to watch the story of Hurricane Ike unfold, especially with so many people that I know and love possibly being affected. Ike made landfall early this morning, with its center over Galveston. From what I've read, it appears that Houston and Galveston got most of the damage. My hometown has so far been virtually untouched by this massive storm, which is shocking. I am so happy that my family is out of harm's way, but my heart goes out to those in the Houston and Galveston areas.

Here are some pictures of the devastation, all from the Houston Chronicle.

Galveston:







Houston:

Now I really AM going to vomit.

Received this in an email today:



Needless to say, I didn't laugh.