Sleepwalking

Due to my insomniac tendencies, I haven't slept very well all week. Last night I actually got up and out of bed instead of staying in place and trying to wish myself back to sleep. So today I have been sleepwalking. In a desperate attempt to keep myself awake, I have eaten about three Fruit Roll-Ups since lunch. They have Spiderman 3 tattoos on them. When I walk down the halls of the office, I feel like I am in a gigantic hazy labyrinth.

This picture from WeeklyShot shows how I feel, only much more poetically. Thank the gods for the visionaries.

Charlatans and the Mob Mentality

Why do we need someone to tell us how we feel? Why do people fall for a leader's ideals instead of forming their own? Does it take a certain personality to engage in groupthink, or are we all susceptible to it?

Should Susan Atkins, one of most ruthless of the Manson family, get out of prison? She is supposedly a born again Christian. Does that matter? Has she exchanged one type of mob mentality for another? In other words, does she really consider herself a Christian, or did she get sucked in and brainwashed like she did as a member of the Manson family?

In no way do I mean to suggest that Christianity is the same thing as the fucked-upedness that is the Manson family. But you have to wonder.

Right?

Communication, or the lack thereof

When there's no communication, even the once strongest of relationships is destined to fail. Lately I've been thinking about how people communicate. It's rarely straightforward. We usually deliver our wants and needs thinly disguised as requests or something else that's considered more polite and less demanding.

This isn't a hidden message about the state of my relationship with Roy, but like every relationship in the world, it's not perfect and could always be improved upon. No, this is more about the professional relationships I have.

You can say anything you want to as long as you say it well. As a food server, I learned the art of saying what I needed to say for my mental health and sanity. I realized that I could insult anyone as long as I insulted them without them realizing they were being insulted. I don't necessarily enjoy insulting people, but in the precarious (and largely powerless) position I was always in, sometimes I needed that power.

I've been having major issues with one of my wedding vendors, and the main reason for it is poor communication between us. I just sent an email to them detailing exactly what I need from them. Hopefully this will resolve the problem, and I can breathe a little bit.

But not yet. This is why I am here at 4:15 in the morning. True to form, when I am stressed or worried, my insomnia flares up. I cannot wait until my wedding brain turns back into my normal brain.

Indifference

It's been said that indifference is worse than hatred. I tend to agree.

But indifference can be approached another way. Indifference can be used to describe the zen-like state of egolessness. Egolessness - is that even a word?

We, as humans, tend to care too much or not at all. This is such polarizing behavior that it is possibly damaging to us. If we were to try to change and become more (positively) indifferent, would it be a good thing? Or would we be going against our true nature?

It's hard to say. We can't divorce ourselves from our culture. To pretend that we are actually individuals is perpetuating a myth.

Catapalooza!

Our backyard is crawling with cats right now. Normally we already have quite a few adult strays hanging around, but once every few months, one of them gives birth to little stray kittens. As cute as the kittens are, it's sad to watch them at times. They tend to hang out behind our long row of trash cans, and there are unsafe objects there, like nails sticking straight up out of boards. Inevitably, at least one of the kittens has one of its eyes stuck shut because of the crappy conditions it has to live in. With the last batch of kittens, Roy and I cleaned out the eye of one of the kittens with a damp washcloth, and a massive amount of pus came pouring out. The kitten's eye was okay after that, though.

Then there are the cats who hang out on the porch of our house. One of them, who we call The Whiner, is tame enough to let us pet him but demanding enough to whine for food all the time. The other is a tiny, shy black cat who doesn't let us get near him but will accept the food we leave for them. It's so sad to see these too remain constantly hungry - and skinny. But they have a better life than most strays.

Seeing animals in need is why I will never buy a purebred dog or cat from a pet store. I will always root for the underdog (or undercat, as the case may be). We got our cat Ashe from PetsMart. She was brought in by the Humane Society - they had rescued her from death row at the pound. Our other cat Kerwin was stuck up in a tree one day, and we rescued him. He had obviously belonged to someone before but had been on his own for awhile. I am so happy that we were able to give these guys a home. I only wish we could do it for all the strays of the world.

This is Ashe (Woogas) the night we rescued her.

This is Kerwin a couple of days after we saved him from the tree.

Cat Fight!

My friend sent me this video; it's too funny. The cats in it resemble my cats, so it makes it even funnier for me.

Good riddance, Rev. Falwell!

I suppose this is very un-PC of me, but I'm glad that Jerry Falwell has left this life and probably moved on to the fiery pits of hell. Actually, I don't really believe in hell, but if there is one, I think he's probably there.

The rhetoric of weddings

One year ago exactly was the eve of Roy's official proposal. I did not know then what this proposal and subsequent engagement would do to me and my life. Ever since then, I have become a wedding planning fiend. I have nightmares about guests showing up early and expecting to be entertained right then. I wake up distressing over flowers. I have spent almost a year obsessing over details - from centerpieces to programs to the "problem" of being a bride in glasses.

I have become convinced that the wedding industry is poison that slowly seeps into the veins of the most practical woman and makes her into some sort of monster bride. It certainly has happened to me. I never daydreamed about my wedding, because weddings aren't my thing. Deep down I didn't ever really think I would get married. Once Roy put the ring on my finger, all bets were off. I almost immediately became connected with The Knot, one of the most popular wedding websites around. The Knot has been both a blessing and a curse. I have come to know some fabulous women and have had the opportunity to really personalize my wedding. However, being a member of The Knot has also made me extremely competitive in a way I never was before. I have become obsessed with having the most beautiful wedding, even though I know it's not the wedding that matters. I truly know this. And yet still I plan, and still I obsess. It isn't healthy, but maybe, just maybe, it's necessary.

I think that, as hard as this year has been, I would not have changed a thing. Sure, we could have put a down payment on a house with the money we are using to pay for the wedding, but at the same time, I am walking through this rite of passage the best (and only) way I know how. At the other end of the tunnel will be Roy, my beautiful groom and the love of my life. Beyond the dress, the invitations, the flowers, the music, and the food - beyond all this is love. Love is what has brought us to this point, and love is what will remain long after the flowers have wilted away.

Dance Envy

Roy and I have taken some West Coast Swing lessons, but we are nowhere near as good as the couple in this video. I swear I have watched this video about 5 times back to back, just marveling at the comfort level of this couple. It's pretty amazing.

Land of the Dead

I've been holed up in our apartment since about 4:30 PM Wednesday. I have not gone outside once. I suppose that the stress finally caught up with me in the form of canker sores, a cold, and finally, some really nasty cold sores. Okay, so the canker sores have been nasty too, not to mention extremely painful. I have taken many long naps, watched endless episodes of Buffy and Life Goes On (and a few movies too), and reread some of the Harry Potter books. The break has been nice, but meanwhile, time marches on without me. Which means that I am behind in school, my job, and wedding planning goals. This also means that I have no more sick time left at work, and I'm working on using up my vacation time as well. I don't call lying in bed blowing my nose and rinsing my mouth out with salt water a vacation.

So today I decided to try to do a bit of productive things. I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen a bit. Then I got tired and took a nap. Then I watched a couple of episodes of Buffy. I am hoping that tomorrow I will venture out to the grocery store, and that on Monday I will venture back to work. Being sick and alone for several days has made me crave the world again. I'm anxious to get back to it.

Dick in a box

I think it would be fun to have a "dick in a box" themed bachelorette party.

Loser, party of one

There is nothing quite so humiliating as being in front of the classroom and giving an embarassingly shitty presentation. That was me a mere 6 hours ago. I was very unprepared. I had spent most of my time on a different project, and boy, did my lack of preparation for my presentation show. To make matters worse, I spent most of yesterday in pain due to the root canal/mouth ulcer/extremely cracked lips factors and hadn't slept well the night before.

Anyway, even sitting there at the front of the room, I was *this* close to bursting into tears. My professor isn't one to hide what she is feeling or thinking, and so that made it slightly easier not having to pretend that I knew what I was talking about. I pretty much sat there and realized that my powers of bullshitting had failed me. Too much damn pain meds.

Afterwards, I called my fiance and brother and cried to both of them. I came home, ate some macaroni and cheese, and watched an episode of Buffy. I realized how tragic and doomed Buffy and Angel's relationship was/is, and yet how perfect they were for each other. The Romeo and Juliet of the supernatural world. A shitty presentation pales in comparison to the tragedy of the slayer-vampire love dynamic.

Why did the Californian cross the street, right in the middle of it, instead of using the crosswalk?

Because he's a dumbass, that's why.

Seriously. I went out for lunch and almost ran over 3 people in the 5 minute drive from my work. These were people who decided they had to cross the busiest street at noon without using the crosswalk. Or people who didn't see any traffic coming and then meandered across without a care in the world.

Many people in California are stupid and lazy. Let's hope these people don't have children. I say that this particular stupidity gene should end with our generation.

Fun with Root Canals!

I hardly slept at all last night. I had a root canal two days ago that was pretty brutal. Oddly enough, it's not the pain from the root canal itself that is bothering me. My mouth was stretched open so wide that my lips are cracked in the corners. And I have a huge, painful mouth ulcer where my cheek/upper lip meets my gums. It's a great way to start this Tuesday.