January 28, 2009

Rite of Passage

I haven't been in the best place lately. Life is... complicated. Very overwhelming. And kind of lonely. Lots of happy moments, of course, but this sense of sadness that I can't shake. I was pretty busy at work today, which kept me from thinking much about things. And then I went and got a much-needed haircut afterwards. I won't say it made me feel like a million bucks, but it was a vast improvement.

I took my normal route home, listening to music as usual. I was driving down a semi-lit street that I'm pretty familiar with, when all of a sudden a black and white flash ran right out in front of me. It was a cat. I slammed on my brakes, but you guessed it....

It was too late. I heard two thumps under my car, and I immediately freaked out and burst into tears. I turned the car around and drove slowly back the way I came.

No cat in sight. Still sobbing, I parked the car and got out and walked around a bit. No cat.

This was horrific to me, not being able to find the cat. I so desperately wanted to find it and see if it had a collar on. I wanted to notify its owner and tell them how much I suck for running over their pet. All I could think of was how bad it would be for this cat's owner.

It reminded me of our family dog Ginger. She was the most awesome dog in the world, but she had one weakness: chasing cars. One day she decided to run out to the road as this gigantic diesel truck was coming, and she got hit. She was just lying there in the road afterwards, and we all ran out to her. I petted her gently, because it was obvious she was in so much pain. My mom took her to the vet, where she died during the middle of the night. It hit us all really hard, because we loved her so damn much.

I was twelve years old when that happened. But still, every time I think of Ginger, I tear up. Because she was an amazing dog who left us far too soon.

To think that I probably killed someone's beloved pet makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Although I did what I could to avoid that tragic end, I still hate that I am the cause of that pain. I am really not happy with myself tonight.

When I got home, I was greeted by three lovely kitties, all of whom were so happy to see me. Me, the cat murderer. I went into the bedroom and cried some more. Not just over the cat, but over all the other completely unfair things in this world. Over loss and sadness and tragedy. Over how easily things can be taken away. Over the death of the sweetest dreams. I cried because I feel so damn helpless sometimes. Because I want things to be right for the people I love. Because there's absolutely nothing I can do to make their pain go away. Because some things that happen just aren't right.

I don't know why I titled this post what I did, but it just seemed right. I guess sadness is always a rite of passage, a trial which we are forced to bear. Sometimes there's a happy ending.

And sometimes, there's just an ending.

14 comments:

kim said...

I am so sorry.

:(

JennB said...

*hugs* I think it's been a funky month for a lot of people.

phairhead said...

i had a similar experience driving on wintery evening while living in NH. i never found the kitty : (

alejna said...

That happened to me once, too. A cat jumped into the road just as I was driving by. I also couldn't find the kitty, so think it must have managed to get off the road. But I felt awful. I can relate. Even though there was really nothing more I could do.

I'm so sorry.

Erika said...

:::HUGS:::

I'M SO SORRY LESLIE.......:(

Lydia said...

I hit a kitty a few years ago. It was the worst feeling ever and I've never forgiven myself for it. I can still see that white cat and it still sucks. People shouldn't let their pets out.

sherthebear said...

I am sorry.

Nanette said...

I'm sorry, Leslie. :(

thebookmill said...

oh i'm so sorry :(

i came *this* close to hitting a dog that ran into the road and even that made me feel really bad and shook me up quite a bit.

Brenda said...

:( I'm so sorry Les.

Crazy Daisy said...

Oh, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how you feel however know i am here for you! Hang in there.

Angie Eats Peace said...

I'm sorry.

I am here for you, friend.

Angie Eats Peace said...

I'm sorry.

I am here for you, friend.

amber said...

{{hugs}}

i'm so sorry. :(