January 28, 2011

this moment

Wow, I've made it through a whole month of this moment posts! Ideally, at the end of 2011, I'd like to have 52 of these suckers done. I enjoy them very much. I spend a lot of time during the week thinking about what that week's moment will be. It helps keep me present and centered (not always, but I do try).

I wrote about this briefly, but my word for this year is "moment." (Maybe I didn't write about it. I can't seem to find the post.) I chose that word because I want to live in the moment more, recognizing that all things pass. Seasons change, children grow up, relationships have their ups and downs. And people die. Roy and I took Simon to a memorial service this past weekend - my ex-boyfriend's mother passed away in December after a long battle with cancer. I still remember the last real moment I shared with her years before. Even though it was a terribly hard moment (having to do with the euthanization of a much beloved family dog), it was the last one we shared that wasn't marred by awkwardness. All of us (me, my ex, and his parents) bawled together as we said goodbye to that sweet dog we all loved so much. It was a horrible day, but it was real. I never had a real moment with her after that one.

The death of my ex's mother really has nothing to do with this post - or maybe it does. All moments, good and bad, make up a life. It's that old yin and yang thing.

Here's the yang:

I was terrified of having a second child. Mostly I was afraid of not having enough room in my heart for two kids. Charlie just filled me up in a way that I never could have imagined, and I didn't know what to expect with Simon. It's true what they say, that the human heart is capable of stretching to make room for more. That's exactly what mine did - and continues to do as I get to know this little guy.

For some reason, Charlie and Simon have been taking a nap at the same time each day for the last five weeks or so. This was completely unexpected, and I'm still not sure how it's happening, but I'm thrilled that it has worked out like that so far. Yesterday, though, Simon stayed awake an hour or so after Charlie went down, so Simon and I had some good mommy-baby time together. We don't get a lot of time with just the two of us, which is one of the hard things about having two kids.

So yesterday we hung out in the bedroom, Simon completely naked except for his diaper. I laid him down on this little quilt that my uncle Charles sent to us after Charlie was born. I watched as Simon determinedly brought his hand up to his face, wanting to get it in his mouth but instead bonking himself in the nose. I couldn't help but laugh - and then my eyes filled with tears as it all came back to me, Charlie doing that exact same thing when he was a baby, Charlie wearing that same diaper, Charlie lying on that same quilt. It wasn't that long ago, but I had completely forgotten all those wonderful baby things that Charlie did. What a gift to be reminded through his little brother.

That's the thing about having a second child. It's a chance to do it all over again, to enjoy the milestones, the middle of the night feedings, the simplicity of loving a baby. I don't know how other moms out there feel, but the second time around it's much easier. I'm happy to wake up in the middle of the night for feedings because who knows when they'll end. I look forward to letting Simon sleep on me because some day he won't do it again. I love having the opportunity to smell his head, because one of these days that new baby smell will be gone. Someday I won't be his favorite person. Someday he won't always have a smile for me. So I drink him in, my little Scorpio who has always looked deep into my eyes and shown me the world. It's my second chance, perhaps my last chance, to mother a baby. I don't want to miss a moment.


Erika said...

Simon is such a cutie and a happy baby....so cute.

Carluxx said...

ohh.. i love your baby is so beautiful =)

Amber said...

I have felt a similar moment so many times with my second baby boy. I really have been enjoying his babyhood so much because I know how fleeting it all is since my eldest is four now. The second time around has been pure bliss compared to the first time when I was much more nervous.