And it breaks my heart...

I haven't posted anything political in awhile. But this video is worth watching. You can go here to make your voice be heard on this issue.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

A Week's Worth of Movies

I was slacking off on my movie watching, and then I went on maternity leave. I've been going a bit crazy with the TV/movie watching since. Here are the movies I've watched in the past week:

1) The Man Who Wasn't There - The only Coen Brothers movie I've seen that I've actually liked
2) Ghost World - I've seen this one before, and frankly, it's never won me over. It can be interesting, but its interestingness is overshadowed by its blahness.
3) Single White Female - A good 90s thriller and another movie I've seen before. I have to admit, though, that I was totally distracted by the disaster that was Bridget Fonda's hair.
4) Rachel Getting Married - I thought the acting in this little indie film was great, although some scenes just went on for way too long. It was also unexpectedly heavy, which was a nice surprise.
5) The 40-Year-Old Virgin - Hilarious. I laughed the whole way through.
6) Hotel Rwanda - Really good. Another heavy one, but worth watching.
7) Role Models - Hilarious, again.
8) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - Definitely on the long side, but I enjoyed this. It was an interesting story.
9) Go - I liked this one a lot. I can't believe I'd never seen it before.

I tried to watch The Hour of the Wolf, one of those artsy-fartsy foreign films that are soooooooooo deep, but I just didn't have the headspace or the attention span to really enjoy it. Thus, I turned it off after thirty minutes, because I was bored, frankly.

And of course I've made some time for some awesome episodes from shows like One Tree Hill (current season), Dollhouse (current season), Grey's Anatomy (fourth season), and Beverly Hills 90210 (fifth season). I love me some cheesy dramas.

Oh, and in the spirit of movie-watching, here are a couple of videos of movie trailers that have been recut to make them look like completely different movies (originally seen on Maegan's blog).

The Shining as a heartwarming comedy:



Mary Poppins as a horror movie:

37 weeks

I am 37 weeks today, and now I am officially full term! Bring on the baby! (Just kidding, I'd really like him to stay put awhile longer.)

Charlie is now the size of a watermelon:



And to give you some idea, here is the size he was when I found out I was pregnant:



Here's how damn skinny I was at that time (I didn't think I was, but turns out, I really was pretty thin!):



I had a little bit of a belly back then, but nothing compared to where it is now:



So I guess it's safe to say that we've come a long way, baby.

The end of this pregnancy is upon us. There are so many things I'm looking forward to. I can't wait to meet our sweet kiddo, of course, and to witness the chaos that will ensue. I can't wait to see Roy in his first stages of being a dad. I can't wait to have my body back (within reason, since I'll be breastfeeding). I can't wait to eat whatever I want (within reason, since I'll be breastfeeding). I can't wait to do simple things, like bend over, without feeling like I'm going to fall over. I can't wait to work out. I can't wait to have a drink. I can't wait to sleep on my back and lay on my stomach. And I can't wait to spend the entire summer off work and chillin' with our baby. Although I seriously doubt there will not be a lot of chillin' going on - just plenty of hard work.

Being off work has done wonders for my level of discomfort and my sanity. I actually feel really good these days, with the most pain/discomfort being in my feet and hands, all of which hurt all the time. I'm able to take a lot of naps and get things done at a leisurely pace. All in all, this first week off has been really good. (Big, huge bonus - not having to hear comments about my body every single day. Those were really beginning to wear on me.)

I've been having some Braxton-Hicks contractions. It took me awhile to realize that's what they were, but they are happening. They are not painful at all, and most times they feel like Charlie moving. In the last couple of weeks, I've also had several instances of spotting, but being as I'm so far along, it's not a big deal.

I saw my OB yesterday for my (now) weekly appointment. Charlie weighs about six and a half pounds now and is still head down. I haven't gained any weight in weeks and everything's looking good. (I'm always anticipating bad news for some reason.) I realized yesterday that I am quite fond of my OB. I had never seen him before I got pregnant; I'd always seen another doctor in the office. At our first appointment, I remember thinking, "Uh, this guy has no personality whatsoever" and being kind of disappointed. Over the course of my pregnancy, he's really loosened up and has proved himself to be a funny guy. Not only that, he knows what he's doing. He's kind of restored my faith in male OBs. I was down on them for awhile (and I'm still down on some of them).

I wanted to say thanks so much for all your comments/texts/emails on our maternity pictures. You guys are awesome - you know exactly what to say to make me feel better when I feel as big as a house. Thanks, as always, for being there throughout this journey and for your kind words.

I've been thinking a lot about my pregnancy journey, and I have a few posts coming up that I'd like to put out there while Charlie's still an inside baby. So stay tuned! (Hopefully these posts won't be too boring.)

From here on out, we wait. Realistically, though, I am expecting to be pregnant for a few more weeks (a month at the most).

Happy Full Term!

Attention Whore Disorder

I have this little issue that I call Attention Whore Disorder. I am a tried and true AW (sometimes), and in true AW fashion, I think you should click here to see some maternity photos that our awesome wedding photographer (and now family photographer) took for us.

I will share my favorites when I get the actual disc of photos...

Yay, I'm excited! (Even though I am super critical of the way I look in photos, I am still so happy to have these.)

Practice Makes Perfect

The other day I began prepping (i.e., washing) Charlie's diapers. Naturally this piqued Roy's curiosity since he hadn't really looked at the diapers at all, much less considered how to use them. I walked into the nursery and found Roy looking into the crib. He was searching for something to practice diapering on. And well, he found a somewhat willing subject.





I don't know what's cuter: how pathetic Charlie's sock monkey looks or the fact that Roy cared enough to practice beforehand.

(Here's hoping the diapers fit Charlie a bit better!)

thoughts after spending an entire day alone

I love having time to myself. As I get older, I get less and less me time. I spent three years living alone starting ten years ago, and even though I was suffering from the Great Depression at the time, I still look back on that time with extreme fondness. I sat in front of the computer and chain-smoked, watched whatever movies I wanted, listened to the same songs over and over, and ate spaghetti noodles with butter for many, many meals. It wasn't the healthiest of lifestyles, but it was mine, dammit.

Since I'm now on maternity leave, I find myself reverting back to old habits I had during that time. I sleep when I feel like it, watch random movies, walk around and listen to my iPod. (Obviously, I am not chain-smoking.) When I get up the nerve, I do some things that actually matter, like washing clothes and diapers for Charlie. But I haven't exactly been all that productive.

I have to wonder why I obsess about getting things done. Is it because I'm an American and we as a society tend to be really concerned with how much we can cram into one day? Is it my personality? I don't know. But what I do know is that I feel really out of sorts about having this much unclaimed time on my hands. I simply don't know what to do with myself sometimes. It's not all that simple to ease into a routine that I have complete control over.

I tend to fall into a mild depression every summer due to the fact that life really slows down for me (and the heat doesn't help). It'll be interesting to see what happens this summer, what with the post-partum hormones and all.

I've been having a lot of anxiety lately. I have a lot of emotions that I really don't know what to do with. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ready for Charlie, and inside I am just screaming, "NO!" I mean, I can't wait to meet him and hold him and let him change my world, but there is a part of me that just doesn't feel capable of being a good mother. I wonder if it's normal to have this much doubt or if I am crazy or something. I feel like many, many doors are going to shut when I become a mother, and while I know that many doors will open as well, it's still something that I haven't made peace with yet.

I never was a big party girl or anything. Sure, I had my moments when I spent time at hole-in-the-wall dive bars, but it was never a big part of my life. The ability to walk into a bar and pick up a guy if I wanted to was never something I mourned when I met Roy. But now I find myself almost grieving over losing that. I feel like I'm losing my youth in exchange for talk about poop and nursing and the like. I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, it's not like I want to walk into a bar and pick up a guy. But there's a certain satisfaction in knowing that I have that option, even though I actually gave up that option when I got married. It feels like more of a loss now. I didn't even think about it two years ago when I was preparing to get married.

I guess I am making that final transition to what I have always perceived adulthood to be, and I don't know what that means for me. Who will I be as a "real" adult? Will I wear mom jeans and become completely scatterbrained? Will I remain a punctual person or will I always be late? Will I stop wearing the little makeup that I wear now, trade in my somewhat cute clothes for attire that's more functional, and lose whatever sex appeal I have left? Will I be so overtaken by the needs of my child(ren) that I forget my own desires and dreams? Am I going to be one of those moms who can't have a conversation that's not about her kids?

Honestly, I am scared to death of the imminent changes ahead. I know that it's a trade-off and that I am going to love Charlie (I already love him to pieces), but I can't help but be scared that I will lose myself in the process. I keep thinking back on the things I should have done. Should I have gone to a really prestigious college instead of the state school I call my alma mater? Should Roy and I have opted for a trip to Europe before trying for a baby? Should I have pursued my dreams more aggressively instead of waiting tables and working in an office? I feel like I've played it safe my whole life, and I am continuing to play it safe by doing exactly what I should be doing: being married, having a kid, etc. I can't escape the feeling that I am a fucking stereotype - when truly all I wanted was to be special. I have always had fantasies about winning a Pulitzer or producing a masterpiece of a poem. I feel all of this is slipping away...

The fact of the matter is (and this is something I have to keep reminding myself) being married and having kids doesn't mean that I am a stereotype. It means that I was lucky enough to find someone I love more than anyone else in the world, marry him, and then have a baby with him! It doesn't mean that I am a sellout. It doesn't mean that I have to give up my own personal dreams. It may be harder to find the time for myself, but I can still make it happen. I could still go to a prestigious college if I wanted to (no thank you, I am pretty sick of academic types); Roy and I could still go to Europe (and even take Charlie along); and I could still produce some genius work of poetry (well, maybe not genius...). The point is my life is not over. I know this. But emotionally I don't think I really understand this yet.

But I am trying. Holy hell, how I am trying. And as I try, there's a little guy squirming around in my tummy and a bigger guy sitting beside me on our bed, and frankly, I've never felt so lucky or so full of love. I could travel the world ten times over, write a body of work worthy of winning the Nobel Prize, and attend Harvard or Yale - but none of it means anything without my guys. These changes, they're bittersweet, and I'm not always good at coping with what's to come. But I know I will, because I already have everything I could possibly want - and everything I ever hoped for.

36 weeks

I am 36 weeks pregnant, and it's now May, meaning my due date is this month. Holy shit! Where has the time gone?

Not only that, I am officially on maternity leave! Today was my first day off work, and let me tell you, it was a glorious day indeed. I stayed in bed, sleeping off and on, until 11 AM. I got up, made myself some lunch, watched a movie, napped on the couch, took a shower, watched another movie, and then hung out with Roy when he got home from work. I did absolutely nothing useful or productive, and I could not care less.

The timing to go on leave could not be better. Not only am I still mega-uncomfortable (I mean, everything including my hands hurts - that's just not right), if I had to hear a co-worker tell me how tired I look or how swollen I am, I may have screamed. It had been a long, long while (before this pregnancy, I mean) since people have been so rude about my appearance. It's like a return to puberty. What a mindfuck.

At the same time, so many people have said so many awesome things to me that the shitty things that these other losers say are almost kind of worth it.

Here's what I look like this week:



A funny story: this week a co-worker told me that I need to be wearing a mask because of the swine flu outbreak. I jokingly said that I was going to wear a pig nose instead. And then she said something like this, "You really need to watch what you say because when it comes to labor and delivery, all the negative feelings you have and the bad things you say are going to catch up with you."

So basically I'm going to have a kid with a pig nose. Or something. I'm still not sure exactly what she meant, other than she seemed kind of bothered that I didn't seem to take her too seriously. This is the same girl who told me that I needed to be careful about breastfeeding, because cats love breast milk and ours might get all up in Charlie's face and smother him because of the smell.

(Can you see why I can't be bothered with even going to work anymore? Oh well. She did bring me two big bags of baby clothes on Friday. And yes, she did include a couple of masks, which of course I am wearing every time I leave the house. On opposite day.)

So I saw the doctor yesterday and had an internal exam as well as the Group B Strep test done. It wasn't exactly the most fun I've ever had, but it wasn't terrible. Anyway, I'm not dilated at all, so everything's sealed up tight. I won't be surprised if Charlie makes a late debut, but I will be surprised if he's early.

Speaking of surprises, I have gained absolutely no weight since my last appointment. I'm holding steady at a 23 pound weight gain so far. I'll take it! And from here on out, I'll be seeing the doctor weekly. Crazy.

I plan on enjoying this last month fully. I want to enter into mommyhood as relaxed and rested as possible. This means that I'm going to try to get all my ducks in a row, but I'm also going to rest rest rest. Things are going to get crazy very very soon, so I'm going to enjoy the peace while it lasts.