The thing about depression is that I continue to feel separated from the world instead of a part of it. I feel like I'm looking at the world through this impenetrable gauze. Everything is fuzzy and vague.
Granted, I've been feeling a LOT better. And by that, I mean that there haven't really been any major meltdowns or breakdowns for the past few weeks. I did cry (hard) on Saturday night, but what else is a mother to do when her teething baby won't stop crying? The solution: cry right along with him. Teething sucks, dude.
There are times when I genuinely feel happy. And I treasure those times.
But most of the time, I feel numb. I feel like I'm merely existing, just making it from one day to the next, waiting for the next step.
I've got a lot riding on the next step. The next step means we are in a house we can more readily afford, so that we can start to attack our debt aggressively. It means a chance to start over, to have a yard (if we're lucky), to grow flowers and vegetables, to spend summer days playing outside, to convert the garage into a darkroom, to do yoga in the mornings while Charlie naps, to write in the afternoons while Charlie naps again, to eat well, to stop wasting, to have just enough stuff and not a drop more, to just be still.
I envisioned this whole new life for us in the space of five days, after we found a house we wanted and went for it. On Friday we found out we didn't get it. And all the forward momentum just. stopped.
There will be other houses, of course. We'll find something. I think the main lesson to be taken from this is that we don't have to wait for our new home to come along to begin seeking the life we want.
It's called starting where we are.
And so yesterday I went and did something a little crazy.
Yeah, that's some pink hair you see. It's not exactly what I envisioned for myself, as I originally imagined the pink to be darker, but when I woke up this morning and saw my pink/blonde/brown-headed self in the mirror, I couldn't help but smile. I guess life is like that, too. It never goes as planned, and it never looks the way you imagined it would.
But all the fun's in the deviation from expectation. I'm big on deviating. I'm hoping it will lead me to seeing the world through clear eyes again.
Happy May! Let's see if I can muster up the energy to blog more this month. I'm also curious about whether life's more fun as a pinkhead.