Lately I've been thinking about cycles.
In my family, there's a history of fatherless children. My mom's dad died when she was two, and my dad became severely unable to be a father when I was three. My dad's father died when he was in his early 20s.
This means that not only did/do I not have a satisfactory relationship with my own father, I also had a non-existent relationship with each of my grandfathers since they had both passed away long before I was born.
The only real strong male figures in my life growing up were my brother and my uncle Charles. And when I say "only," I don't mean that in a negative way, only in a way meant to illustrate that there was an absence in my life growing up where a dad should be. I don't blame my dad; his condition is not his fault. It's circumstances, really.
As a result (and with a lot of work), I have grown up to be quite the independent woman. I know how to take care of myself, and I know I don't need a man to define me. So far it appears that I've beaten the odds. I am happily married to a man who is more than willing to let me be my own headstrong, independent self. I've got it made, to be honest.
But I am afraid. This whole time I've been wondering if this is all too good to be true. How did I actually end up in a functional and happy marriage? I have quite the laundry list of dysfunctional boyfriends and relationships preceding this marriage; how did I beat those odds and manage to get into something so....well, good?
I can't help but feel that something has got to go wrong. Surely I was not meant to be happy. Surely I don't deserve to have a normal life complete with lazy Sunday afternoons and family dinners, a baby boy whose room is painted blue, and a husband who makes me mac and cheese whenever I want it. Surely something is going to come along and screw it up.
I am most scared that Charlie (and our other children) will have to suffer through what I lived through: the lack of love from a parent. I want so badly for everything to work out. It doesn't have to be perfect. The house doesn't have to be Donna Reed clean; we don't have to have a ton of money in the bank; and those fantasy vacations may be put off indefinitely. But really, all I want is the guarantee that our kids will always have both of us, for better or for worse - and that I won't be left without Roy as my husband and best friend.
Ten years ago, if you would have asked me about family, I would have said, "Eh, I can take 'em or leave 'em." But now family is everything.
If I were a praying woman, my prayer would be this:
Please do not take my everything. Please don't allow this painful cycle of fatherless children to continue. Please help me to stop fearing abandonment. Please help me to stop waiting for something bad to happen. Please let me keep my normal and happy life. Please do not take my everything.
I want the cycle broken. And I want to stop feeling the sorrow that I felt as a child, knowing that my dad would never be able to love me the way I needed to be loved. I want to stop fearing this for my own children.
More than anything, I just want to stop waiting for that other heavy shoe to drop.
May 15, 2009
May 14, 2009
The Art of Being Married
Yesterday I came across an interesting topic on a message board I frequent. The topic was marriage, and the questions posed were "Are you truly happy in your marriage? What are your deal breakers?"
My big deal breaker is abuse. I cannot and will not deal with any kind of emotional, mental, physical, or sexual abuse. I just won't. Infidelity is another deal breaker that comes to mind, but I also know that people can make their way back from that kind of betrayal.
One person responded with something like this: "We have no deal breakers. Having them implies that marriage is breakable. Divorce is not a word in our vocabulary."
I found this response to be a bit extreme: after all, it's good to have limits and boundaries, and it's also good to recognize how fragile (breakable, even) our relationships are if we neglect them. I was surprised to see how many people agreed with this particular person's response. This is not to say I am pro-divorce, but I do think that divorce is sometimes better for some people if all other options have been exhausted. (It does piss me off when people get divorced without even attempting marriage counseling or a trial separation, but whatever - it's not my marriage or my business.)
Something I hear a lot is "marriage is hard work." Roy and I have been married for almost two years, and maybe we're still in that blissful honeymoon stage, but our marriage has not been hard. Sure, it takes effort and a willingness to be supportive, understanding, and patient. And yes, he gets on my nerves sometimes. But overall, our marriage doesn't feel like work. It doesn't feel like I'm forcing myself to do something I don't want to do.
(I will say this, though: I think life is hard. And it's not like these life things that happen to us outside of marriage, as individuals, don't affect our marriage. But we've been able to work through all the hard stuff together as a team and as best friends. And I sure do hope we're able to continue to do this, especially since we are going to have a newborn with us in less than a month.)
I love being married. As different as Roy and I are, we are super duper compatible. We've both had enough drama in our lives and know that we don't want it in our marriage. So we don't play games, and when we "fight," we say we're sorry and then move on. It all feels very simple. I wonder if it'll always be this way or if we haven't been challenged enough as a couple yet. We've only been married for two years and together for four, after all.
What do you think? What are your deal breakers, if you have any? Do you think marriage is hard work? What are your thoughts on divorce? (If you aren't married, feel free to put in your two cents anyway.)
My big deal breaker is abuse. I cannot and will not deal with any kind of emotional, mental, physical, or sexual abuse. I just won't. Infidelity is another deal breaker that comes to mind, but I also know that people can make their way back from that kind of betrayal.
One person responded with something like this: "We have no deal breakers. Having them implies that marriage is breakable. Divorce is not a word in our vocabulary."
I found this response to be a bit extreme: after all, it's good to have limits and boundaries, and it's also good to recognize how fragile (breakable, even) our relationships are if we neglect them. I was surprised to see how many people agreed with this particular person's response. This is not to say I am pro-divorce, but I do think that divorce is sometimes better for some people if all other options have been exhausted. (It does piss me off when people get divorced without even attempting marriage counseling or a trial separation, but whatever - it's not my marriage or my business.)
Something I hear a lot is "marriage is hard work." Roy and I have been married for almost two years, and maybe we're still in that blissful honeymoon stage, but our marriage has not been hard. Sure, it takes effort and a willingness to be supportive, understanding, and patient. And yes, he gets on my nerves sometimes. But overall, our marriage doesn't feel like work. It doesn't feel like I'm forcing myself to do something I don't want to do.
(I will say this, though: I think life is hard. And it's not like these life things that happen to us outside of marriage, as individuals, don't affect our marriage. But we've been able to work through all the hard stuff together as a team and as best friends. And I sure do hope we're able to continue to do this, especially since we are going to have a newborn with us in less than a month.)
I love being married. As different as Roy and I are, we are super duper compatible. We've both had enough drama in our lives and know that we don't want it in our marriage. So we don't play games, and when we "fight," we say we're sorry and then move on. It all feels very simple. I wonder if it'll always be this way or if we haven't been challenged enough as a couple yet. We've only been married for two years and together for four, after all.
What do you think? What are your deal breakers, if you have any? Do you think marriage is hard work? What are your thoughts on divorce? (If you aren't married, feel free to put in your two cents anyway.)
May 13, 2009
Work is for suckers, and other maternity leave musings.
When I saw my OB last week he asked how I was enjoying my maternity leave. I told him I loved it, and he said, "Yeah, it's like a month-long hall pass. Pretty soon you realize that this whole work thing is for suckers."
I truly couldn't have said it better myself.
I can't help but feel that being off work has helped me discover some Great Secret. For the life of me, I can't figure out why we are compelled to rush around and be busy. I have been busy for years. Even in high school, I was busy. But let me tell you, being busy is overrated. Terribly overrated.
I absolutely love my life right now. I love that I can get up, shower, eat, nap, run errands, watch TV and/or movies, and get things done around the house - all at my leisure. I love that I don't have to figure out how I'm going to juggle this or that errand while actually ingesting food on my lunch hour. I love that I am not cooped up in a crappy office being watched hour after hour, day after day.
One of my favorite things to do is sit in Charlie's room and think about him. I think about him constantly anyway, but being in his room still fills me with wonder. I can't believe that very soon we are going to bring home a baby. It feels so strange. But so right. I am really excited and full of anticipation. But I'm still not in a rush. He can come when he wants to. Many, many women who are as far along as I am are trying to naturally induce labor through sex, spicy food, massage, acupuncture, herbs, etc. But not me. I'm content to just let it happen when it's supposed to (unless, of course, it just doesn't happen and it becomes unsafe for him to stay inside).
Don't get me wrong, I want Charlie here! I can't wait to meet him; his birth day will be the most wonderful of days. But this is the last time that I'll get to soak up the silence, to be alone, to take deliciously long naps and wake up to the fading sun falling through the blinds. My nighttime warm bath ritual will come to an end soon, and so will many other things. I want to enjoy things as they are before they change forever.
So that's what I'm doing. I have no lofty goals like writing the Great American Novel right now. I have barely even pulled out my camera in the last month. I'm just being. I'm learning how to be still and calm. And yes, lazy. Because I will never have this time back. And instead of spending it being anxious or scared, I choose to be, for the first time, stoic. Stoic as a rock in the middle of a rainstorm. It's always nice to know that even Type A personalities, like me, have it in them to calm the fuck down and let go a little.
I'm enjoying this new me.
I truly couldn't have said it better myself.
I can't help but feel that being off work has helped me discover some Great Secret. For the life of me, I can't figure out why we are compelled to rush around and be busy. I have been busy for years. Even in high school, I was busy. But let me tell you, being busy is overrated. Terribly overrated.
I absolutely love my life right now. I love that I can get up, shower, eat, nap, run errands, watch TV and/or movies, and get things done around the house - all at my leisure. I love that I don't have to figure out how I'm going to juggle this or that errand while actually ingesting food on my lunch hour. I love that I am not cooped up in a crappy office being watched hour after hour, day after day.
One of my favorite things to do is sit in Charlie's room and think about him. I think about him constantly anyway, but being in his room still fills me with wonder. I can't believe that very soon we are going to bring home a baby. It feels so strange. But so right. I am really excited and full of anticipation. But I'm still not in a rush. He can come when he wants to. Many, many women who are as far along as I am are trying to naturally induce labor through sex, spicy food, massage, acupuncture, herbs, etc. But not me. I'm content to just let it happen when it's supposed to (unless, of course, it just doesn't happen and it becomes unsafe for him to stay inside).
Don't get me wrong, I want Charlie here! I can't wait to meet him; his birth day will be the most wonderful of days. But this is the last time that I'll get to soak up the silence, to be alone, to take deliciously long naps and wake up to the fading sun falling through the blinds. My nighttime warm bath ritual will come to an end soon, and so will many other things. I want to enjoy things as they are before they change forever.
So that's what I'm doing. I have no lofty goals like writing the Great American Novel right now. I have barely even pulled out my camera in the last month. I'm just being. I'm learning how to be still and calm. And yes, lazy. Because I will never have this time back. And instead of spending it being anxious or scared, I choose to be, for the first time, stoic. Stoic as a rock in the middle of a rainstorm. It's always nice to know that even Type A personalities, like me, have it in them to calm the fuck down and let go a little.
I'm enjoying this new me.
May 12, 2009
Tuesday TV Rant
This morning I realized something that I hadn't realized before.
I hate One Tree Hill. It makes me want to repeatedly pound my head against the wall. And then watch another episode of the show. I just can't. stop. watching.
One Tree Hill, when it comes down to it, makes me feel like shit about myself. Every single one of the characters is gorgeous. At 22 years old or so, Brooke has her own fashion line, Peyton has her own recording studio. Nathan has a basketball career, and Lucas has written and published two well-known novels. Nathan and Haley have, like, the best marriage ever with the cutest kid ever. I want to barf, seriously, every time I watch the show. Because I'm going to be 30 in less than a month, and I don't nearly have the resources or money that they do. Or the good hair and skin. Or the fashion sense. Or the ability to cheat on my partner and then be BFFs with him in the next episode. Damn, I suck.
The latest thing that has me completely and utterly pissed about this show is that Peyton is pregnant. Yay, right? Oh, no. Of course she has a terrible affliction that may kill her - and possibly the baby, too. What is this mysterious condition? Why, it's placenta previa!
(If you don't know what placenta previa is, please click on the link I've provided above. And you'll see how terribly life-threatening it is, oh em gee! On opposite day.)
Don't get me wrong - placenta previa is a valid condition, but it tends to resolve itself throughout one's pregnancy. I can't believe they picked placenta previa as the awful, horrible disease that is almost certain to kill Peyton - but wait! Peyton can't die! She is entirely too beautiful and special and strong to succumb to such trials in her pregnancy. However, the writers of the show will do anything to make us believe that she's going to die.
I hate feeling so manipulated.
I realize that even the best TV shows and movies and books and works of art are manipulative at their core; they are designed to make us feel something and blah blah blah. Everyone loves good drama, and I sure as hell am no exception. But why does One Tree Hill have to insult my intelligence so much? Did they think that any member of their audience would not know what placenta previa is? Do they really expect me to believe that Peyton's pregnancy's air time has been like one quarter of my pregnancy and yet she is closer to delivering her baby than I am?
Sadly, One Tree Hill is not the only show that is guilty of this. I'm beginning to loathe Grey's Anatomy. I am so tired of Merideth's voiceovers at the beginning and end of every episode. I'm sick of the outrageous medical cases. I'm sick of the drama. I want some good characters, not some retarded caricatures. (Disclaimer: I'm only on season four of Grey's Anatomy, so I guess all these things could have changed in the current season.)
With all the crappy movies that come out these days, it's great that there's so much good television out there - but I think that we need more shows like Six Feet Under that focus on real life and real people. That show was gritty and hard in a way that could never be softened by a mere voiceover at the end of the episode. I want more of that, dammit! (Or of shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Lost, which may not be based in reality but are still awesome.)
So there you go - my Tuesday TV rant. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch some quality TV - Beverly Hills 90210, to be exact.
I hate One Tree Hill. It makes me want to repeatedly pound my head against the wall. And then watch another episode of the show. I just can't. stop. watching.
One Tree Hill, when it comes down to it, makes me feel like shit about myself. Every single one of the characters is gorgeous. At 22 years old or so, Brooke has her own fashion line, Peyton has her own recording studio. Nathan has a basketball career, and Lucas has written and published two well-known novels. Nathan and Haley have, like, the best marriage ever with the cutest kid ever. I want to barf, seriously, every time I watch the show. Because I'm going to be 30 in less than a month, and I don't nearly have the resources or money that they do. Or the good hair and skin. Or the fashion sense. Or the ability to cheat on my partner and then be BFFs with him in the next episode. Damn, I suck.
The latest thing that has me completely and utterly pissed about this show is that Peyton is pregnant. Yay, right? Oh, no. Of course she has a terrible affliction that may kill her - and possibly the baby, too. What is this mysterious condition? Why, it's placenta previa!
(If you don't know what placenta previa is, please click on the link I've provided above. And you'll see how terribly life-threatening it is, oh em gee! On opposite day.)
Don't get me wrong - placenta previa is a valid condition, but it tends to resolve itself throughout one's pregnancy. I can't believe they picked placenta previa as the awful, horrible disease that is almost certain to kill Peyton - but wait! Peyton can't die! She is entirely too beautiful and special and strong to succumb to such trials in her pregnancy. However, the writers of the show will do anything to make us believe that she's going to die.
I hate feeling so manipulated.
I realize that even the best TV shows and movies and books and works of art are manipulative at their core; they are designed to make us feel something and blah blah blah. Everyone loves good drama, and I sure as hell am no exception. But why does One Tree Hill have to insult my intelligence so much? Did they think that any member of their audience would not know what placenta previa is? Do they really expect me to believe that Peyton's pregnancy's air time has been like one quarter of my pregnancy and yet she is closer to delivering her baby than I am?
Sadly, One Tree Hill is not the only show that is guilty of this. I'm beginning to loathe Grey's Anatomy. I am so tired of Merideth's voiceovers at the beginning and end of every episode. I'm sick of the outrageous medical cases. I'm sick of the drama. I want some good characters, not some retarded caricatures. (Disclaimer: I'm only on season four of Grey's Anatomy, so I guess all these things could have changed in the current season.)
With all the crappy movies that come out these days, it's great that there's so much good television out there - but I think that we need more shows like Six Feet Under that focus on real life and real people. That show was gritty and hard in a way that could never be softened by a mere voiceover at the end of the episode. I want more of that, dammit! (Or of shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Lost, which may not be based in reality but are still awesome.)
So there you go - my Tuesday TV rant. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch some quality TV - Beverly Hills 90210, to be exact.
May 11, 2009
Pregnancy: My Favorite Things
Today I went to the hospital to have an NST (non-stress test) done. The reason? A marked decrease in Charlie's movement this morning.
Turns out everything is fine, as I suspected, and my anterior placenta is the main culprit, acting as (too much of) a buffer between me and Charlie. Although these hospital visits make me feel silly for being the girl who cries wolf, truthfully it's always nice to hear that things are going perfectly normal. And as the nurse at the hospital told me, it's better to come in when I'm truly worried rather than to stay at home and stew over it.
One of the things that I really don't like about pregnancy is what little control I have over what goes on inside my uterus. I wish I had a window so I could see in there to make sure that Charlie's okay when I'm worried. I have to stop and remind myself that he is the safest now that he will ever be. I have as much control as I ever will. Damn, that's scary!
But with all the worries of pregnancy, there have been so many beautiful moments. I thought I'd take some time to list my favorite things about being pregnant.
1) getting that first positive pregnancy test and showing Roy - I will never forget my shock or the hug we shared in the bathroom at 2 AM back in September.
2) the first ultrasound - It was completely amazing to see our seven-week-old peanut with his heart beating away on the ultrasound screen. We drove out of town to a wedding after that, and I cried on the way because I was so happy my heart felt like it was going to explode.
3) hearing Roy say "I love Bunlet!" when I was about eight weeks along - It really solidified the fact that he was already very attached to our little one.
4) the email I got from someone I barely know who told me that we were going to be kick ass parents - It's one thing when your friends and family say it (they kind of have to), but when an acquaintance says it, it's just different.
5) our ultrasound at 15 weeks - I was in tears of happiness afterwards, and I can clearly recall that overwhelming feeling of joy.
6) finding out at 17 weeks that we were having a Charlie - Our big ultrasound was less than spectacular, but it was still fun hearing "it's a boy!".
7) telling our families (particularly our moms) that we were having a Charlie - Neither one of our moms were in the best position when they found out, but their reactions were awesome.
8) feeling movement for the first time - This really changed my entire pregnancy and made it so much more real. It has been such a bonding experience.
9) our baby showers - There's nothing like having your friends and family all in one spot helping you celebrate the good things in life.
10) everyone's reactions - From my blog friends to family members to friends to people who barely know us, I have really loved hearing the wonderful things people have had to say about my pregnancy and Charlie. (Oh, and let's face it, I love the "you look great" comments, too.)
My pregnancy has been one hell of a kick ass ride with plenty of ups and downs (and four hospital visits now), but what can I say? Being pregnant with Charlie is one of the best things I've ever done. Pregnancy itself leaves a lot to be desired (in my opinion), but I would do this a million times over for Charlie. He's just that awesome. And I gotta admire the little guy for keeping me on my toes throughout my pregnancy; I know he's only preparing me for the day he decides to swing from the ceiling fan or climb on the roof.
Turns out everything is fine, as I suspected, and my anterior placenta is the main culprit, acting as (too much of) a buffer between me and Charlie. Although these hospital visits make me feel silly for being the girl who cries wolf, truthfully it's always nice to hear that things are going perfectly normal. And as the nurse at the hospital told me, it's better to come in when I'm truly worried rather than to stay at home and stew over it.
One of the things that I really don't like about pregnancy is what little control I have over what goes on inside my uterus. I wish I had a window so I could see in there to make sure that Charlie's okay when I'm worried. I have to stop and remind myself that he is the safest now that he will ever be. I have as much control as I ever will. Damn, that's scary!
But with all the worries of pregnancy, there have been so many beautiful moments. I thought I'd take some time to list my favorite things about being pregnant.
1) getting that first positive pregnancy test and showing Roy - I will never forget my shock or the hug we shared in the bathroom at 2 AM back in September.
2) the first ultrasound - It was completely amazing to see our seven-week-old peanut with his heart beating away on the ultrasound screen. We drove out of town to a wedding after that, and I cried on the way because I was so happy my heart felt like it was going to explode.
3) hearing Roy say "I love Bunlet!" when I was about eight weeks along - It really solidified the fact that he was already very attached to our little one.
4) the email I got from someone I barely know who told me that we were going to be kick ass parents - It's one thing when your friends and family say it (they kind of have to), but when an acquaintance says it, it's just different.
5) our ultrasound at 15 weeks - I was in tears of happiness afterwards, and I can clearly recall that overwhelming feeling of joy.
6) finding out at 17 weeks that we were having a Charlie - Our big ultrasound was less than spectacular, but it was still fun hearing "it's a boy!".
7) telling our families (particularly our moms) that we were having a Charlie - Neither one of our moms were in the best position when they found out, but their reactions were awesome.
8) feeling movement for the first time - This really changed my entire pregnancy and made it so much more real. It has been such a bonding experience.
9) our baby showers - There's nothing like having your friends and family all in one spot helping you celebrate the good things in life.
10) everyone's reactions - From my blog friends to family members to friends to people who barely know us, I have really loved hearing the wonderful things people have had to say about my pregnancy and Charlie. (Oh, and let's face it, I love the "you look great" comments, too.)
My pregnancy has been one hell of a kick ass ride with plenty of ups and downs (and four hospital visits now), but what can I say? Being pregnant with Charlie is one of the best things I've ever done. Pregnancy itself leaves a lot to be desired (in my opinion), but I would do this a million times over for Charlie. He's just that awesome. And I gotta admire the little guy for keeping me on my toes throughout my pregnancy; I know he's only preparing me for the day he decides to swing from the ceiling fan or climb on the roof.
May 10, 2009
My First Mother's Day
Today was Mother's Day, my first Mother's Day, to be exact. I was awakened by two text messages from out of state friends wishing me a happy Mother's Day. Roy made me breakfast and then surprised me with a necklace:
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Of course, I cried because the gift was so unexpected and so sweet. It signifies a mother having an open heart.
We spent the majority of the day at Roy's grandparents' house, and once again, I was surprised with cards and flowers and cookies and more text messages. (I also surprised myself by throwing up for the very first time during my entire pregnancy, but that's another story.) I went swimming and did karaoke with various family members. It was a good day.
I do consider myself a mom already, and it was really cool to see that other people seem to feel the same way. I know that it's not the same as having an outside baby, but I do think that pregnancy is the beginning of motherhood. I have yet to meet my Charlie, but I am already so honored and privileged to be his mother.
Anyway, today I couldn't help but think of all the women out there who struggle with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. I have people in my life who have been dealing with both, and my wish for them is for them to have their child(ren) by the time Mother's Day 2010 rolls around. In the meantime, my thoughts are with them, all of them. I can't exactly identify with what they've had to deal with, but I can only imagine the heartbreak.
Of course, I also spent a lot of time thinking about my own mom and what a wonderful and positive influence she's been on me. There is no one in the world like her, and even though she drives me crazy sometimes, truthfully she is my best friend (aside from Roy). She has always supported me no matter what, even during my punk-ass bitch stages. No matter how old I get, sometimes I still just need her. I hate that I haven't gotten to spend a Mother's Day with her in so many years.
To sum up this post, I thought I'd share this awesome video that Kari posted on her blog earlier today:
(If you haven't seen the video that precedes it, click here.)
Happy Mother's Day!
+-+5.10.09.jpg)
Of course, I cried because the gift was so unexpected and so sweet. It signifies a mother having an open heart.
We spent the majority of the day at Roy's grandparents' house, and once again, I was surprised with cards and flowers and cookies and more text messages. (I also surprised myself by throwing up for the very first time during my entire pregnancy, but that's another story.) I went swimming and did karaoke with various family members. It was a good day.
I do consider myself a mom already, and it was really cool to see that other people seem to feel the same way. I know that it's not the same as having an outside baby, but I do think that pregnancy is the beginning of motherhood. I have yet to meet my Charlie, but I am already so honored and privileged to be his mother.
Anyway, today I couldn't help but think of all the women out there who struggle with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. I have people in my life who have been dealing with both, and my wish for them is for them to have their child(ren) by the time Mother's Day 2010 rolls around. In the meantime, my thoughts are with them, all of them. I can't exactly identify with what they've had to deal with, but I can only imagine the heartbreak.
Of course, I also spent a lot of time thinking about my own mom and what a wonderful and positive influence she's been on me. There is no one in the world like her, and even though she drives me crazy sometimes, truthfully she is my best friend (aside from Roy). She has always supported me no matter what, even during my punk-ass bitch stages. No matter how old I get, sometimes I still just need her. I hate that I haven't gotten to spend a Mother's Day with her in so many years.
To sum up this post, I thought I'd share this awesome video that Kari posted on her blog earlier today:
(If you haven't seen the video that precedes it, click here.)
Happy Mother's Day!
May 9, 2009
Pre-Pregnancy Flashback: August 13, 2008
I've been going through some old drafts of mine and happened along this old post. It was written on December 4, 2007. Roy and I started actually trying for a baby immediately after.
And a year and a half after the writing of this post, I am gigantically pregnant! Yesterday I had a conversation with a cashier in Target about good timing for pregnancy. She told me, as everyone does, that I had timed my pregnancy so well since I will avoid being pregnant during the brutally hot summer. I told her timing had nothing to do with it and that if we had actually conceived the first month we started trying, I would've actually been due in September 2008, which, ironically, was the month I actually found out I was pregnant. So the "good timing" was actually due more to luck than anything. She was shocked to hear that it took almost a year for us to conceive.
I have no idea why I actually went into detail with the cashier; maybe because she seemed really naive or something, or maybe because she reminded me of myself (who was also naive) in the post below.
*****
August 13, 2008: That's what the estimated due date of our non-existent child would have been if Roy and I had conceived in November. We weren't trying, but I had just begun charting and realized we had an "oops" on my ovulation day (which I didn't realize was my ovulation day until 3 days after the fact). The possibility that we might have accidentally conceived excited us! Soon after, I really began to acknowledge my baby fever and wrote this post. I put it all out there without really putting it all out there.
I lurk on the baby boards on the Nest, but I probably will not become a regular poster until I am a decent way into my future pregnancy (whenever that may be). I wouldn't mind posting on these boards, except that people that know me also read those boards. My desire to have a child is not something that I feel like posting about day in and day out. Plus, I intend on keeping my future pregnancy under wraps for awhile - not to mention the process of getting pregnant itself. I'm not good at keeping my own secrets, but for some reason, I want this to be largely a secret. I don't even want my blog to become full of baby posts, so for now I will write about baby/pregnancy stuff when the mood strikes and actually post later. I also don't like cheesy things like tickers or blinkies or name polls.
Anyway, part of me really hoped and believed that I might be pregnant. I had all kinds of symptoms, but they ended up being menstrual symptoms. It's a good thing that I didn't get my hopes up. A lot of women do, and it's hell for them month after month. Many of them vent about it on the Nest or other public forums, but I don't feel like doing the same. It just feels too private to really talk about right now.
So maybe someday this will actually get posted. For now, it's going to remain a draft.
And a year and a half after the writing of this post, I am gigantically pregnant! Yesterday I had a conversation with a cashier in Target about good timing for pregnancy. She told me, as everyone does, that I had timed my pregnancy so well since I will avoid being pregnant during the brutally hot summer. I told her timing had nothing to do with it and that if we had actually conceived the first month we started trying, I would've actually been due in September 2008, which, ironically, was the month I actually found out I was pregnant. So the "good timing" was actually due more to luck than anything. She was shocked to hear that it took almost a year for us to conceive.
I have no idea why I actually went into detail with the cashier; maybe because she seemed really naive or something, or maybe because she reminded me of myself (who was also naive) in the post below.
*****
August 13, 2008: That's what the estimated due date of our non-existent child would have been if Roy and I had conceived in November. We weren't trying, but I had just begun charting and realized we had an "oops" on my ovulation day (which I didn't realize was my ovulation day until 3 days after the fact). The possibility that we might have accidentally conceived excited us! Soon after, I really began to acknowledge my baby fever and wrote this post. I put it all out there without really putting it all out there.
I lurk on the baby boards on the Nest, but I probably will not become a regular poster until I am a decent way into my future pregnancy (whenever that may be). I wouldn't mind posting on these boards, except that people that know me also read those boards. My desire to have a child is not something that I feel like posting about day in and day out. Plus, I intend on keeping my future pregnancy under wraps for awhile - not to mention the process of getting pregnant itself. I'm not good at keeping my own secrets, but for some reason, I want this to be largely a secret. I don't even want my blog to become full of baby posts, so for now I will write about baby/pregnancy stuff when the mood strikes and actually post later. I also don't like cheesy things like tickers or blinkies or name polls.
Anyway, part of me really hoped and believed that I might be pregnant. I had all kinds of symptoms, but they ended up being menstrual symptoms. It's a good thing that I didn't get my hopes up. A lot of women do, and it's hell for them month after month. Many of them vent about it on the Nest or other public forums, but I don't feel like doing the same. It just feels too private to really talk about right now.
So maybe someday this will actually get posted. For now, it's going to remain a draft.
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