I finally finished my birth playlist. I knew when I started this massive project that it would take a lot of time and thought. Music means so much to me - it was one of the hardest things about planning my wedding because I just wanted it to be perfect. I left absolutely no music choices up to the DJ; that's how important the music was to me. I feel the same way about my birth playlist. So for the past few months I've been brainstorming music ideas and thinking about what I want to hear during Burt Reynolds' birth.
I now have a birth playlist that is twelve hours long and contains 157 songs. It's not perfect, because my music collection is spread out over two computers (one of which died a long time ago - thank the gods for my external hard drive), my iPod, and hundreds of CDs. I have big hopes and dreams of getting all my music into one place someday (hopefully on a huge honkin' iMac with a sweeeeeeeeeet hard drive), but for now I have to work with what I've got. The good news is I can access all of my music if I want to - it's just that some of it didn't make it onto the actual playlist.
Anyway.
The other day I was driving to see my chiropractor and "Jackie's Strength", one of my favorite Tori Amos songs, came on. I found myself in tears, and you may recall that I had a similar experience with another one of her songs near the end of my pregnancy with Charlie. It's like I was hearing the song for the first time, and in a totally different context.
You see, I love this song. I've always loved it, ever since it was released when I was a tender young 19-year-old. But the other day when it came on, it was like I got punched in the stomach. At 31 years old, I finally heard this song's message. It spoke to me of love, of loss, and of strength. It showed me how lost I was after Charlie's birth, how I had no idea who I was anymore, and how I gradually found my way back to the light and to my new self. It showed me that if I dig deep enough, there's a wellspring of strength inside that I often don't remember exists.
In the video for "Jackie's Strength," the bride in the video comes face-to-face with her former self. I know this is what will happen to me on the day Burt Reynolds is born, that I will once again be faced with the woman I was, her fear, her helplessness, her anguish. It won't be easy. I'll want to yell at her and tell her how stupid she was, how she should have known better. But instead, I'll have to reach down deep inside me and forgive her. Showing her this act of mercy is the best way I can think of to let her know that I love her and that it's time we move on, together.
Needless to say, this song made it onto the playlist.
November 7, 2010
November 6, 2010
Currently Enjoying
-these two songs (often on repeat in my car)
-this book (currently reading)
-this book (finished a couple of weeks ago, and one of my favorites of the year)
-and if there's time before Burt Reynolds is born, I've got this book on deck
-this season of this show
-this amazing, all-natural, all-purpose skin cream (which I am using as a moisturizer and I love it)
-this blogger's 30 Days of Truth
-this camera (I can't really say I'm enjoying this, since I don't have one. But I want this camera so bad. It would be the perfect - and expensive - replacement for my crappy little point and shoot + little video recorder, both of which I keep in my bag. We can't afford it. A girl can dream, though, right?)
Tell me what you've been enjoying lately. Books, movies, TV, food, etc. (I could write a whole post on food I've been enjoying lately.) I want to hear it. I don't need more things to add to my list, but I want more things to add to my list.
Happy Saturday!
-this book (currently reading)
-this book (finished a couple of weeks ago, and one of my favorites of the year)
-and if there's time before Burt Reynolds is born, I've got this book on deck
-this season of this show
-this amazing, all-natural, all-purpose skin cream (which I am using as a moisturizer and I love it)
-this blogger's 30 Days of Truth
-this camera (I can't really say I'm enjoying this, since I don't have one. But I want this camera so bad. It would be the perfect - and expensive - replacement for my crappy little point and shoot + little video recorder, both of which I keep in my bag. We can't afford it. A girl can dream, though, right?)
Tell me what you've been enjoying lately. Books, movies, TV, food, etc. (I could write a whole post on food I've been enjoying lately.) I want to hear it. I don't need more things to add to my list, but I want more things to add to my list.
Happy Saturday!
November 5, 2010
You know you're old when...
...you buy a Fisher-Price stove from your generation at a consignment sale and it's labeled "vintage."
I had this same little stove when I was a kid. On some websites, the whole set goes for over $100! I'm pretty sure I had the whole set, too, which looks like this:
I spent $5 on the stove. Someone suggested that I sell it on eBay but no way in hell will I do that. It's too much of a treasure. And Charlie loves it. He loves it when I make the bell ring. I must confess, though, that sometimes he leaves the burners on and when I catch a glimpse of them all red, it freaks me out for a split second. I am losing it.
Speaking of toys, I posed for my 40 week belly photo on Charlie's little buddy Luke's trike:
Lookin' a little puffy there. And yet I can't be that damn puffy if I'm sitting on an almost two-year-old's trike at 40 weeks pregnant. And how ridiculous is it that I'm wearing shorts in November? It's been in the 90s here this week. I'm dying.
And since this post needs to be even more random, we're using this tutorial to make Charlie a play kitchen for Christmas. It should come out looking kind of like this:
(photo credit)
Obviously, we'll do different colors and all that. You can see some more play kitchens that were built using this tutorial here. So cute! I am so excited about this. I think Charlie will love it. We're going to add some play food from Ikea as part of the gift. I just hope we don't get too overwhelmed with Burt Reynolds and don't have the time to make it. We've already started getting the supplies, though, so we're committed to making it happen.
And just for grins, here's an absolutely adorable photo of my kiddo, taken yesterday:
And that's all for this completely random and probably very uninteresting update about toys, my gigantic stomach, and my kiddo. I'm such a parent.
I had this same little stove when I was a kid. On some websites, the whole set goes for over $100! I'm pretty sure I had the whole set, too, which looks like this:
I spent $5 on the stove. Someone suggested that I sell it on eBay but no way in hell will I do that. It's too much of a treasure. And Charlie loves it. He loves it when I make the bell ring. I must confess, though, that sometimes he leaves the burners on and when I catch a glimpse of them all red, it freaks me out for a split second. I am losing it.
Speaking of toys, I posed for my 40 week belly photo on Charlie's little buddy Luke's trike:
Lookin' a little puffy there. And yet I can't be that damn puffy if I'm sitting on an almost two-year-old's trike at 40 weeks pregnant. And how ridiculous is it that I'm wearing shorts in November? It's been in the 90s here this week. I'm dying.
And since this post needs to be even more random, we're using this tutorial to make Charlie a play kitchen for Christmas. It should come out looking kind of like this:
(photo credit)
Obviously, we'll do different colors and all that. You can see some more play kitchens that were built using this tutorial here. So cute! I am so excited about this. I think Charlie will love it. We're going to add some play food from Ikea as part of the gift. I just hope we don't get too overwhelmed with Burt Reynolds and don't have the time to make it. We've already started getting the supplies, though, so we're committed to making it happen.
And just for grins, here's an absolutely adorable photo of my kiddo, taken yesterday:
And that's all for this completely random and probably very uninteresting update about toys, my gigantic stomach, and my kiddo. I'm such a parent.
November 4, 2010
Stick a fork in me...
...because if you do, it might induce labor and then we'll finally get to meet this kid.
So, yeah! Today is my guess/due date. I can't believe this pregnancy is almost over. I can't believe that if you put both of my pregnancies together, I've spent 81 weeks being pregnant since September 2008. (Well, technically August 2008, I think.) That's a good chunk of time (duh) and frankly my body is going to need a long break after this. No more kids for awhile. I'm looking forward to thoroughly enjoying my two boys, and maybe we'll add on one more when the time is right.
I'm feeling much better than I was the other day. (Your comments did much to brighten my spirits - thank you!) My midwife told me at my appointment on Tuesday that having those kinds of meltdowns is good because 1) it's good to get all of it out of the way before I go into labor, and 2) it's a good indication that things are happening and my body's getting ready. Love her!
I've not having internal exams this time around, because I want to avoid the anxiety they caused me the first time around. So I have no news on that front. Burt Reynolds has dropped, though, and my bladder has noticed the difference. So has my stomach. I've been eating ravenously like I haven't eaten in weeks. I'm having Braxton-Hicks contractions pretty much all day every day, which is another good sign. Burt Reynolds is in the LOT (left occiput transverse) position, where he's been for the past couple of weeks. This is what that looks like:
It's not a "bad" position for him to be in, but it's not exactly where we want him. We want his back facing the front of my pelvis. (Please and thank you, Burt Reynolds.) I've been doing some things to help him into a better position, and if that doesn't work, then here's hoping he'll get lined up on his own while I'm in labor (which most babies do).
Another interesting factoid: my midwife has told me to expect a labor similar to that of a first-time mother. Since my body wasn't really ready when I was induced with Charlie and since I didn't make it all the way to 10cm and pushing, I can expect this labor to possibly be long. I'm hoping it won't be because my mom had quick (and natural) births. But there's a reason why giving birth can be like running a marathon - you've got to be prepared to be in it for the long haul.
So I have no idea when I can expect to go into labor. I've been doing a couple of things to possibly help: drinking red raspberry leaf tea (not consistently) and taking evening primrose oil. The tea is supposed to help tone the uterus while the primrose oil is supposed to help the cervix get all nice and effaced. I have no idea if either one is actually working. I've also been doing some walking, but I haven't been going overboard with it because I don't want to tire myself out.
I've decided that if I hit 41 weeks, then I'll do some acupuncture to hopefully get things going. The acupuncturist was trying to talk me into doing it over the weekend, but I really want to wait because 1) it's expensive, and with our crappy ass insurance, it's not going to be covered, and 2) even though it's a natural induction method (and not something like Pitocin), I really want to give my body every chance to do its thing on its own. The good thing about acupuncture, though, is that it won't induce labor unless your body is ready for it. So it's not like I'd be forcing it into something it doesn't want to do yet.
We're pretty much all set around here. I still have my to do list that I'm plugging away at. I'm hoping this weekend we'll just stay around the house and clean clean clean. I don't think we'll ever really be "ready" for such a huge transition, but all we can do is prepare as much as we can.
We're really excited to meet our little guy. Everything is going to change once again, which has caused me so much apprehension for pretty much this entire pregnancy, but my love for Burt Reynolds outweighs any fears I have. I know everything is going to be awesome. (It just might take awhile to get there.)
I want to close this post with a little something my doula said in a message that recently passed between us. It made me so happy to read.
I am SO proud of you! You have made such smart decisions to set yourself up for an awesome birth. It does my heart good to see a woman (and her awesomely supportive husband) making educated decisions and not accepting the status quo. :)
Reading that made me realize that I am also proud of myself for all the hard work I've done to make this birth into an empowering experience. Now I just need to let go and realize that this birth will be what it needs to be, that Burt Reynolds will end up with the birth he needs to have (whether it's a VBAC or a repeat c-section). It's almost like planning your wedding. On the day of, you just have to stop trying to control it all and enjoy what happens. So that's my goal: to enjoy the ride.
So, yeah! Today is my guess/due date. I can't believe this pregnancy is almost over. I can't believe that if you put both of my pregnancies together, I've spent 81 weeks being pregnant since September 2008. (Well, technically August 2008, I think.) That's a good chunk of time (duh) and frankly my body is going to need a long break after this. No more kids for awhile. I'm looking forward to thoroughly enjoying my two boys, and maybe we'll add on one more when the time is right.
I'm feeling much better than I was the other day. (Your comments did much to brighten my spirits - thank you!) My midwife told me at my appointment on Tuesday that having those kinds of meltdowns is good because 1) it's good to get all of it out of the way before I go into labor, and 2) it's a good indication that things are happening and my body's getting ready. Love her!
I've not having internal exams this time around, because I want to avoid the anxiety they caused me the first time around. So I have no news on that front. Burt Reynolds has dropped, though, and my bladder has noticed the difference. So has my stomach. I've been eating ravenously like I haven't eaten in weeks. I'm having Braxton-Hicks contractions pretty much all day every day, which is another good sign. Burt Reynolds is in the LOT (left occiput transverse) position, where he's been for the past couple of weeks. This is what that looks like:
It's not a "bad" position for him to be in, but it's not exactly where we want him. We want his back facing the front of my pelvis. (Please and thank you, Burt Reynolds.) I've been doing some things to help him into a better position, and if that doesn't work, then here's hoping he'll get lined up on his own while I'm in labor (which most babies do).
Another interesting factoid: my midwife has told me to expect a labor similar to that of a first-time mother. Since my body wasn't really ready when I was induced with Charlie and since I didn't make it all the way to 10cm and pushing, I can expect this labor to possibly be long. I'm hoping it won't be because my mom had quick (and natural) births. But there's a reason why giving birth can be like running a marathon - you've got to be prepared to be in it for the long haul.
So I have no idea when I can expect to go into labor. I've been doing a couple of things to possibly help: drinking red raspberry leaf tea (not consistently) and taking evening primrose oil. The tea is supposed to help tone the uterus while the primrose oil is supposed to help the cervix get all nice and effaced. I have no idea if either one is actually working. I've also been doing some walking, but I haven't been going overboard with it because I don't want to tire myself out.
I've decided that if I hit 41 weeks, then I'll do some acupuncture to hopefully get things going. The acupuncturist was trying to talk me into doing it over the weekend, but I really want to wait because 1) it's expensive, and with our crappy ass insurance, it's not going to be covered, and 2) even though it's a natural induction method (and not something like Pitocin), I really want to give my body every chance to do its thing on its own. The good thing about acupuncture, though, is that it won't induce labor unless your body is ready for it. So it's not like I'd be forcing it into something it doesn't want to do yet.
We're pretty much all set around here. I still have my to do list that I'm plugging away at. I'm hoping this weekend we'll just stay around the house and clean clean clean. I don't think we'll ever really be "ready" for such a huge transition, but all we can do is prepare as much as we can.
We're really excited to meet our little guy. Everything is going to change once again, which has caused me so much apprehension for pretty much this entire pregnancy, but my love for Burt Reynolds outweighs any fears I have. I know everything is going to be awesome. (It just might take awhile to get there.)
I want to close this post with a little something my doula said in a message that recently passed between us. It made me so happy to read.
I am SO proud of you! You have made such smart decisions to set yourself up for an awesome birth. It does my heart good to see a woman (and her awesomely supportive husband) making educated decisions and not accepting the status quo. :)
Reading that made me realize that I am also proud of myself for all the hard work I've done to make this birth into an empowering experience. Now I just need to let go and realize that this birth will be what it needs to be, that Burt Reynolds will end up with the birth he needs to have (whether it's a VBAC or a repeat c-section). It's almost like planning your wedding. On the day of, you just have to stop trying to control it all and enjoy what happens. So that's my goal: to enjoy the ride.
November 3, 2010
Homemade Haircut
I have a new friend named Emily. We met through the moms' club I joined a couple of months ago. She and I just clicked - we both use cloth diapers, are into natural birth, and have a similar world view. I find her insanely interesting and think she should be a character in a novel. Her house is lovely because it's lived in and imperfect, and also because art covers the walls and there's a swing hanging from a ceiling beam in her living room. And I adore her parenting style, which I like to call "free range." This is not a mom who obsesses about germs and milestones and all that other helicopter-y type stuff (even though her first daughter was a preemie born at 25 weeks). This is a mom who says "oh well" when she sees her youngest eating dirt and lets both of her kids play naked in the backyard. Mothering seems effortless and natural to her, and I dig it. It's refreshing to hang out with someone who isn't afraid to let her kids enjoy life.
I am not a particularly anxiety-ridden person, but I spent the majority of Charlie's first year worrying a lot and overall just feeling like I wasn't doing a good job. It feels good to say that I now feel pretty confident with this mothering stuff, and I see a lot of "free range" tendencies in myself now, which makes me feel good - I think this was how it was meant to be all along. Everyone has their own parenting style, but being so anxious was exhausting for me. I'm glad I've moved past it and am not worrying about every little thing.
Anyway, last week Emily and I gave Charlie a haircut. I didn't see the point to taking him into Supercuts to pay for an uneven haircut, which is pretty much what we got the first time. So we decided to avoid a meltdown and gave him an uneven homemade haircut. No money spent, and he got to enjoy some cookies while it happened. Emily did the front, which is horribly uneven (but terribly cute), and I did the back and sides (which are also horribly uneven but terribly cute). I'm really surprised that it doesn't look awful. I think his cute face is probably the reason why.
Here he is before:
And here's an after shot (taken several days later, but you can see how wonderfully uneven the haircut is):
The best part of the haircut was probably a moment when we were sitting on the floor, a tangle of children and covered in cookie crumbs. Emily said, "Here we are sitting in a pile of crumbs and hair." And yep, that's pretty much what motherhood is like for me. If it's not crumbs and hair, it's goldfish crackers and peanut butter. And I love it.
(PS - I am unofficially participating in NaBloPoMo. I love doing this every year, but since I'll be popping out a babe sometime this month, I can't really commit. But I'm going to try to post each day until I just can't anymore. So maybe if I disappear then you'll know that I done went and had myself a baby. But in all reality a missed post could just mean that I was really tired that day. I'll leave you guessing. How fun that will be for you!)
I am not a particularly anxiety-ridden person, but I spent the majority of Charlie's first year worrying a lot and overall just feeling like I wasn't doing a good job. It feels good to say that I now feel pretty confident with this mothering stuff, and I see a lot of "free range" tendencies in myself now, which makes me feel good - I think this was how it was meant to be all along. Everyone has their own parenting style, but being so anxious was exhausting for me. I'm glad I've moved past it and am not worrying about every little thing.
Anyway, last week Emily and I gave Charlie a haircut. I didn't see the point to taking him into Supercuts to pay for an uneven haircut, which is pretty much what we got the first time. So we decided to avoid a meltdown and gave him an uneven homemade haircut. No money spent, and he got to enjoy some cookies while it happened. Emily did the front, which is horribly uneven (but terribly cute), and I did the back and sides (which are also horribly uneven but terribly cute). I'm really surprised that it doesn't look awful. I think his cute face is probably the reason why.
Here he is before:
And here's an after shot (taken several days later, but you can see how wonderfully uneven the haircut is):
The best part of the haircut was probably a moment when we were sitting on the floor, a tangle of children and covered in cookie crumbs. Emily said, "Here we are sitting in a pile of crumbs and hair." And yep, that's pretty much what motherhood is like for me. If it's not crumbs and hair, it's goldfish crackers and peanut butter. And I love it.
(PS - I am unofficially participating in NaBloPoMo. I love doing this every year, but since I'll be popping out a babe sometime this month, I can't really commit. But I'm going to try to post each day until I just can't anymore. So maybe if I disappear then you'll know that I done went and had myself a baby. But in all reality a missed post could just mean that I was really tired that day. I'll leave you guessing. How fun that will be for you!)
November 2, 2010
Marvin the Martian
My sister-in-law Mandy is pregnant!
I've been meaning to write about this here but for one reason or another, the post never really happened. Well, today, two months and two days out from Mandy's due date, I'm making it happen. We've got a little nephew on the way! And we are so excited.
(We have no idea what his name is, but Mandy and Paul call him Marvin the Martian.)
Mandy and Paul's road to becoming parents has been a difficult one, and I don't want to go into a lot of detail here - but it's one of those stories that makes you grateful for all you've got. The day I found out they were expecting a little boy, I cried like a weird pregnant chick. I'm so happy for them, so in awe of happy endings.
I can't wait to meet ol' Marv in January! Burt Reynolds is going to be so stoked to have a cousin so close in age. And I bet Charlie will be, too. I can't wait to see our pack of boys roughhousing together.
(The picture above is a belly comparison, taken about a week and a half ago when I was 38 weeks and Mandy was 29 weeks. Her stomach totally dwarfed mine until I pulled up my shirt to reveal the huge naked belly.)
November 1, 2010
The Three-Days-Shy-of-40-Weeks Meltdown
Today it happened.
I had my very first "oh-god-I-am-so-sick-of-being-pregnant" meltdown. Ever.
I wasn't expecting that to happen. I fully expect to be pregnant for two more weeks or so. As far as discomforts go, I'm doing really well. Minimal swelling, minimal heartburn. I haven't gained too much weight, my appetite is great, my back isn't really bothering me. Yes, my pelvis is sore, and I do have to pee a lot. I could be getting more sleep at night but the lack of sleep is almost always counteracted by really awesome naps during the day. I'm actually doing remarkably well considering how far along I am.
I was on the phone with my mom earlier this evening, feeling groggy and out of sorts, and all of a sudden I just started crying. The words just began pouring out of me.
I'm so tired of being pregnant.
I'm so tired of wondering how this birth is going to go.
I'm so tired of our really shitty financial situation.
I'm so tired of thinking about our unresolved insurance issue.
I'm so tired of thinking how difficult it will be to have two children.
I'm so tired of not having any clothes that fit.
I'm so tired of feeling ugly and huge and frumpy.
I'm so tired of not knowing what to do with my life - or rather, not knowing how to make it happen.
I'm so tired of waiting.
It really is the waiting that's killing me. The unknown. And then I look at the messy house and the laundry that needs to be folded and the phone calls that need to be made and the bills that need to be paid and the child that needs to be fed/changed/held/read to/put down for a nap and I feel so lost and tired down to the very depths of my bones. I don't know why I want to hurry up and stop being pregnant because it's not going to get any easier once Burt Reynolds is born. Maybe I'm just ready to meet the little dude who's making my hormones go absolutely crazy.
I don't know what else to say. I'm having a momentary lapse of sanity and a really tough night.
I had my very first "oh-god-I-am-so-sick-of-being-pregnant" meltdown. Ever.
I wasn't expecting that to happen. I fully expect to be pregnant for two more weeks or so. As far as discomforts go, I'm doing really well. Minimal swelling, minimal heartburn. I haven't gained too much weight, my appetite is great, my back isn't really bothering me. Yes, my pelvis is sore, and I do have to pee a lot. I could be getting more sleep at night but the lack of sleep is almost always counteracted by really awesome naps during the day. I'm actually doing remarkably well considering how far along I am.
I was on the phone with my mom earlier this evening, feeling groggy and out of sorts, and all of a sudden I just started crying. The words just began pouring out of me.
I'm so tired of being pregnant.
I'm so tired of wondering how this birth is going to go.
I'm so tired of our really shitty financial situation.
I'm so tired of thinking about our unresolved insurance issue.
I'm so tired of thinking how difficult it will be to have two children.
I'm so tired of not having any clothes that fit.
I'm so tired of feeling ugly and huge and frumpy.
I'm so tired of not knowing what to do with my life - or rather, not knowing how to make it happen.
I'm so tired of waiting.
It really is the waiting that's killing me. The unknown. And then I look at the messy house and the laundry that needs to be folded and the phone calls that need to be made and the bills that need to be paid and the child that needs to be fed/changed/held/read to/put down for a nap and I feel so lost and tired down to the very depths of my bones. I don't know why I want to hurry up and stop being pregnant because it's not going to get any easier once Burt Reynolds is born. Maybe I'm just ready to meet the little dude who's making my hormones go absolutely crazy.
I don't know what else to say. I'm having a momentary lapse of sanity and a really tough night.
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