February 18, 2010

Me, Today


Charlie woke us up around 5:30 AM. I think this was the third day in a row.

So I started the day off exhausted.

I gave Charlie his breakfast and while he played, I read this article (thanks for sending it to me, Kari). It got me pretty teary; the comments got me pretty angry.

While Charlie took his morning nap, my weary bones sank into bed and I slept pretty lightly.

Because when Charlie woke me up, by screaming, I felt like I hadn't slept at all.

I felt like shit. Complete, utter, I've-been-run-over-by-a-truck shit. Tired and with a headache from hell.

But I looked at the time and realized that we could make it to baby storytime at the library. I figured it would be just the thing to perk me up. Charlie loves it.

So I rushed around getting ready, without showering, and I managed to get us in the car in plenty of time.

I decided to go through the Del Taco drive-thru and get a Dr. Pepper. Yeah, I know I gave up the stuff, but with how I was feeling today, fuck that.

The guy in line in front of me was having issues ordering so it took for-fucking-ever to get through the damn line.

When I pulled into the library parking lot, all the free spots were taken.

I stood in line to get a parking permit for-fucking-ever. Once I realized that baby storytime was halfway over, I said, "Fuck it" and drove us to In-n-Out.

I got a double double combo and came home and inhaled it.

Meanwhile I fed Charlie and it was while I was feeding him that I just burst into tears.

I just felt so drained. And tired. And overwhelmed.

I sent Roy a mildly hysterical text.

Next I called my mom and left a voicemail.

Then I called my mother-in-law.

She answered. I unloaded. We talked for an hour.

And I felt so much better. (Thanks, Patty!)

I knew all would be okay. I'd put Charlie down for his afternoon nap and take a nap myself. Then I'd shower. We'd go run some quick errands and then take a walk up the mountain.

But Charlie didn't feel like falling asleep.

For over two hours, I tried to get him to nap.

I finally gave up and we went to run our errands.

Of course, he fell asleep in the car on the way home.

Roy had come home early so he came and sat in the car with me.

And again those tears came and I just admitted to him that I am just nothing but highs and lows these days.

I want so badly to balance out and some days I think I've achieved it.

But I feel like I have more bad days than good ones.

There is so much going on right now.

My dad is sick.

I'm stressing over my thesis.

I'm stressing over beginning to charge for my photography.

I miss my mom.

I relive my birth experience every single day.

I am tired.

I am trying to get into better shape.

I am lonely.

I don't know if I am cut out for this stay-at-home mom gig.

I sometimes feel like I don't know who my friends are.

I feel so isolated.

I love being a mom, and it is truly the best thing I've ever done.

But.

I am still me.

A person, a woman, a writer, a photographer.

Not just a mother.

I wonder every single day if there is something wrong with me.

Is it possible that I need some happy pills?

Am I normal?

Why do I feel like this?

I am so anxious and overwhelmed.

And sad. I am sad.

But happy, too.

I have many moments of pure and incomparable joy.

I recognize the blessings in my life.

I just wish that life made more sense.

Because just when I think I've got it figured out, I don't.

And so that's why today I started the self portrait project I've been wanting to do.

I figure that maybe the best therapy is taking a picture of myself as I am, not as I wish to be.

So today I am unwashed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. Not very pretty. My bangs have sprouted wings. But hopefully you appreciate my red bra strap. Not to mention the expletives scattered throughout this post.



What are you today?

11 comments:

Lydia said...

Thank you for being brave enough to post so honestly. I think we all have the same fears, questions,etc. but we never feel comfortable being honest about them. I'd say hang in there, but that's just a stupid cliche thing you say. Life is hard--just know you're not alone with these sorts of thoughts/feelings.

Growing Up Cameron said...

I'm going to say what I feel w/out reserve.

I think deep down inside you know you have postpartum.

It's not bad, but I don't think you should be a full (or maybe not at all) SATM. I read what you're feeling/going through & it reminds me too much of the first month & a half I stayed home w/Cameron. I was hysterical when I went back to work but it was the best decision. I needed that adult interaction & Cameron absolutely loves going to daycare. In the morning we put on his jacket & explain it's time to see his friends (Miss Ellen, Shaune Shaune, Brendon) he squeals with delight & mimics their name.

You need to work on you. You deserve to be healthy just as much as Roy needs a happy wife & Charlie a happy home. I can almost bet once he's in daycare his naps will improve. They're so involved with the teachers & babies that by the end of the day they're wiped out.

*big hugs* No matter what you decide, just know you're not alone. Please go see your dr.

I hope it all works out for you.

Jessica said...

<3

Sara said...

I cried reading this post for like a million and five reasons. I hope you can find the time in the next few days to figure out what is really going on and what you really want. Happy thoughts and good vibes coming your way! I think you are ridiculously strong and incredible, that is all. :)

kim said...

Hugs. That is all.

And I love that last picture of you. So pretty!

cowboyboot lady said...

Well, you are beautiful even when you are exhausted! You have a lot going on right now. I know that when rested it will not seem so overwhelming. I think it is somewhat normal to have such highs and lows. I think those just come with the ups and downs of life. That is what I keep telling myself anyway. I hope you get some rest tonight! Sending you very very good thoughts!

sherthebear said...

I am sending you good thoughts. I know it must be hard. I don't know that balance is ever really found, I think what we find instead is a way to manage and integrate the different parts of who we are mother, wife, friend, etc. For me I think it is no longer balance that I seek, instead a way to integrate those parts of myself so that I do not lose each part of me. I don't know if that makes any sense, it might be just nonsense. I wish you the best and appreciate your candor and honesty. Life is not easy and being a mother, though the best thing in the world can be difficult and frustrating at times.

phairhead said...

i'm that girl on the carpet too. Yr an amazing woman for working out yr feelings on yr blog.

Angie Eats Peace said...

I appreciate your honesty, so much.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, and I wish I had better advice for you. I am always here to listen, if you need to talk.

Erika said...

BIG HUGS!!

I FEEL YOUR PAIN MY FRIEND.

amber said...

Love the self-portraits. They just ring true in an honest and raw way.

Please try to start taking care of you, no matter what that is. You're in my thoughts friend.