February 21, 2010

Top Tune #11

This song came up on my iPod today and it hit me like whoa. I've posted about it before, but I don't think I really understood what this song meant to me until today. I love how dark it is, but underneath all of that despair lies hope. It was a good thing for me to hear at this point in my life. I think it may even be my new anthem.

I have an appointment to see the doctor (well, her nurse practitioner, actually) on Tuesday. On Thursday, I finally realized how sick I am of all the ups and downs. Things have gotten remarkably worse since the first of the year. I do think I know what's going on, and I'm sure you all can guess what it is as well, but I feel like someone has my heart in the tightest grip ever and I don't want to say those words. I don't want it to be that thing.

I'm scared. I'm sad. But more than anything, I'm exhausted. And if this is indeed what I think it is, I'm going to need mega-help to make it through.

Calendar Girl by Stars

if I am lost for a day
try to find me,
but if i don't come back
then i won't look behind me.
all of the things i thought were so easy
just got harder and harder each day.

december is darkest,
and june is the light.
but this empty bedroom won't make anything right.
and out on the landing
a friend i forgot to send home
who waits up for me all through the night.

calendar girl, who's in love with the world
stay alive
calendar girl, who's in love with the world
stay alive

i dreamed i was dying
as i so often do;
and when i awoke
i was sure it was true.
i ran to the window
threw my head to the sky,
and said whoever is up there, please don't let me die

i can't live forever.
i can't always be.
one day i'll be sand on the beach by the sea;
the pages keep turning, i'll mark off each day with a cross
and i'll laugh about all that we've lost.

calendar girl, who is lost to the world
stay alive
calendar girl, who is lost to the world
stay alive

January Febuary March April May, I'm alive
June July August September October, I'm alive
November December, yeah all through the winter
I'm alive
I'm alive


phairhead said...

chin up, mama :)

Nanette said...

Lots of hugs, Leslie.

Sara said...

:) HUGS to you my friend!!

amber said...

{{hugs}} I think asking for help is very brave. Sometimes we just can't handle everything we're dealt.