March 29, 2010

10 Days

It's been 10 days since I last posted here. I wish I could say I've been writing the Great American Novel, but that's pretty far from the truth. I haven't written a thing anywhere, not even in my journal, since my last post here. I have so much to say and yet I have no idea how to put it into words.

Let me start by saying that I still wonder why I'm keeping this blog going. I think I'm starting to really let go of my love affair with the online world. Neither Facebook nor Twitter thrill me anymore. I barely read blogs anymore. I'm starting to feel very disconnected from everything, and with my decade-long internet obsession, I'm not convinced that this is a bad thing.

I want something real. I'm tired of these elusive strings of code that bind me to others. I'm tired of status updates and blog traffic and talk of how many followers one has or doesn't have. I used to love the fact that blogs were the thing to do, but now it all feels so fake to me. It doesn't feel genuine anymore.

I'm sure all of this has a whole lot to do with the depression I've got going on. Of course I am questioning everything in my life and wondering why I do what I do. I think about my purpose in life and wonder if things (such as blogging) serve that purpose. Of course, all this would be much clearer to me if I understood what my purpose was in the first place.

More than anything, I am torn about how much detail to go into regarding my emotional landscape. Things are tough. I have good times and bad, but the bad times can be really scary. I am still doing the therapy thing, and I feel disconnected from that as well. I talk to my therapist, lay out all my history for her, but I'm skimming the surface. It all just feels too deep, too overwhelming, too dark to even begin to pull apart and examine. I am terrified that I won't make it through this with my sanity and my family intact.

I think back to my Great Depression a decade ago and I remember the only things that really helped were making positive life changes and letting time do the rest. Roy and I have been talking about moving to a new house, which appeals to me more and more, especially since we have newish neighbors who we don't really care for. We've talked about selling everything and buying an RV and driving across the country. We're not in the best position to do something like that, so instead we made a short list of lifestyle changes we'd like to make. And I'm doing everything right. I try to eat well, get some exercise, hang out with my friends, have time to myself, etc.

And yet the depression, it just hangs on and on and on. I miss my family terribly, I often think of my dad's deteriorating condition, I halfheartedly take pictures and read and do other things I enjoy. I'm just not right. I feel so wrong. And I want so badly to believe that everything is going to be okay.

9 comments:

weezermonkey said...

Hug.

Angie Eats Peace said...

It will be OK. One way, or the other.

Sara said...

Hugs

Eric's Mommy said...

We are so much alike it's not even funny. I have been through exactly what you are going through Dear.

Hugs from me too.

phairhead said...

BIG hugs!!!

thebookmill said...

even more hugs to you!

inflammatory writ said...

Oh, sweetie. All I can tell you is that this too shall pass. I know it doesn't feel that way. But it will.

Anamika said...

I once heard someone say "it'll be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." It's silly, but sometimes thinking of that gets me through the day. And sometimes I just have to take the day as it comes, let go and start again the next day. I know it's hard, but you know you've been through it before and you'll get through it now. *hugs*

Myra said...

You are in my prayers, friend! I love you!