March 19, 2010

Sadness will set me free.

I'm a person who has high expectations for herself. I'm driven. I'm motivated. I'm passionate. I believe that life should be lived, not wished away.

Depression has stripped away all of that. The high expectations are still there, naturally, because there's all the self-blame for being depressed in the first place. But I've put everything aside in favor of just surviving. All my dreams and goals have been put on hold as I row my way through this river of darkness.

My computer desktop is a mess of folders full of pictures that need to be sorted and edited. I come across interesting articles and bookmark them for later instead of reading them right then. My thesis materials sit, gathering dust. The laundry remains unfolded. I don't have much energy to comment on blogs. I don't even really have much to say on Facebook or Twitter.

And I don't care. Because getting through this moment, with myself and my family intact, is all that matters.

I feel free. My psyche is chained up tight, but yet. That freedom. To just exist, to not expect greatness, to let my son watch Ugly Betty with me, to give him a bottle instead of solid food sometimes, to go out for lunch everyday, to spend hours in bed, to spend an entire day with my hair unbrushed, to clean when I feel like it and let the dishes pile up when I don't.

I sound completely self-indulgent, and I don't care. What is depression if not the complete turning inward of a person? I can't care too much about the rest of the world right now. I need to take care of me and mine.

Someday the pain will lessen, and my psyche will be set free. For now, I'm counting on the sadness to bring me to my knees, so I can admit that it's okay to be ordinary.

(Thanks for all the love you've shown me through this, everyone. I'm not really all that good at responding to comments. But I read and appreciate every one. Your words have helped me so much.)


phairhead said...

i can relate in more ways than you can imagine

Erika said...

^ So can I.....everything else is BS....until I graduate with my BS degree that is. Everything else is secondary.

I fight depression EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. but....I must push myself to do my homework and concentrate on improving myself first and making me happy.

I feel you.....

Angie Eats Peace said...

It sounds like you have your priorities straight, and in the end, those things matter the most.

Blair@HeirtoBlair said...

I am with you. Everything you said rings so true.

& on the bad's like this but even 5,000 times worse.

cowboybootlady said...

You DO need to take care of your self. Focus on you! There are so many ways to get distracted from what really matters in life, you and your son and your husband. I am sorry you are having a hard time, but I admire you for focusing your energies on the necessities and the freedom to be you. You will get back to your other passions later, if you want to, they are still there. Hey, Enjoy Ugly's a good show and let those dishes pile up, who says they can't! Big Hugs! **

George said...

You need a good cup of strong coffee to get you started. You also need to go for a walk with Charlie. It's a beautiful day and activity will help you (maybe!).

amber said...

If it makes you smile a little, know that I'm a pretty "on top of things" person and there are still plenty of times that I look at the sink of dishes, shrug and walk away. They'll still be there the next day. As will all of the other "stuff." Take care of yourself.