March 18, 2010

I haven't felt like writing.

Those old emo ups and downs are kicking my ass, folks. I haven't known what to say here. Or anywhere, really. I've just been kind of quiet.

I went to therapy today. We talked about how high my anxiety has been since Charlie was born and how I feel like an inadequate mother (well, an inadequate human being, really), and the session ended with her telling me that I need to learn how to be kinder to myself. It was a total duh moment, because DUH! My whole life I have been so hard on myself, and I'm not sure where this tendency comes from, but seriously, getting past the DUH! of it all, I've had enough.

I can't keep living this way. It is seriously exhausting being me. Something needs to change.

Or else I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe they'll haul me off to the mental ward, I don't know. This is insane. I'm so tired of being so hard on myself, for expecting perfection from myself, for apologizing for myself, and on and on the list goes. I just need to find a balance. I just need to not be such a bitch to myself. I just need to recognize that all the allowances granted to others are acceptable for me, too. I just need to learn how to be. In peace and quiet.

I have been so tired lately. During Charlie's naps, I crawl in bed and I don't get up until he wakes up. Sometimes I fall asleep myself. Sometimes I just lie there with my eyes closed. Either way, I'm learning how to rest amongst all this darkness. I'm learning how to be, without that hateful inner voice telling me I should be doing dishes or laundry or writing my thesis or editing photos. I'm tired of the shoulds. I should be this, I should have accomplished that, I should be stronger, I should be better. Fuck the shoulds. The shoulds are killing me.

And yet there's that deep part of me that will remain beholden to the shoulds. Too much of her, and I end up just like this. Face down in a puddle of my own darkness. I don't know how to change that deep part of me. I don't even feel like I have the energy to try.

A week ago, I opened the door to let in the light. Life felt promising, like sunshine. I felt like I was making my way through the worst of it.

But these tears tell another story. The worst is either here right now, or it hasn't shown its face yet. Whatever the case, I feel like I'm drowning in my own desperation.

8 comments:

Sara said...

I'm sorry, I wish there was something that I could do...hang in there, I believe you are stronger than you think!!

Blair@HeirtoBlair said...

I get it.

100% get it.

The battle of the shoulds, the person you so disparately wish to be, but just cannot seem to make it happen.

The hills, the valleys. The light switch that flicks us on & off with no grey area.

I get it.

kim said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. Wish we could hang out more while I am off work...

Angie Eats Peace said...

I feel ya. You are not alone.

khairun said...

Im right there with you, in that fog of darkness. It's not easy. Especially when you have days where it feels like things are starting to work themselves out. And they don't.
You've just got to hold on. And hold on tight. Fight for your happiness. For what's important to you. Surround yourself with people who love you. And keep talking and writing about it. Get it out of your system. Do all you can to take care of yourself no matter what.

cowboybootlady said...

I am so sorry. It really stinks that this is happening to you. Fuck the shoulds is right! We all have them. And we all take them too seriously. Baby steps. Do what is best for you and your little Charlie each and every day, one day at a time, one minute at a time. That is constantly changing. You are an amazing, intelligent, creative, person and you will get back to your passions some day. I am sorry for your sadness. I wish I could give you a big hug right now...er, last week! Sorry for reading late.

amber said...

{{hugs}}

Miranda said...

I totally get this. 100%. I could've written this myself.