Those old emo ups and downs are kicking my ass, folks. I haven't known what to say here. Or anywhere, really. I've just been kind of quiet.
I went to therapy today. We talked about how high my anxiety has been since Charlie was born and how I feel like an inadequate mother (well, an inadequate human being, really), and the session ended with her telling me that I need to learn how to be kinder to myself. It was a total duh moment, because DUH! My whole life I have been so hard on myself, and I'm not sure where this tendency comes from, but seriously, getting past the DUH! of it all, I've had enough.
I can't keep living this way. It is seriously exhausting being me. Something needs to change.
Or else I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe they'll haul me off to the mental ward, I don't know. This is insane. I'm so tired of being so hard on myself, for expecting perfection from myself, for apologizing for myself, and on and on the list goes. I just need to find a balance. I just need to not be such a bitch to myself. I just need to recognize that all the allowances granted to others are acceptable for me, too. I just need to learn how to be. In peace and quiet.
I have been so tired lately. During Charlie's naps, I crawl in bed and I don't get up until he wakes up. Sometimes I fall asleep myself. Sometimes I just lie there with my eyes closed. Either way, I'm learning how to rest amongst all this darkness. I'm learning how to be, without that hateful inner voice telling me I should be doing dishes or laundry or writing my thesis or editing photos. I'm tired of the shoulds. I should be this, I should have accomplished that, I should be stronger, I should be better. Fuck the shoulds. The shoulds are killing me.
And yet there's that deep part of me that will remain beholden to the shoulds. Too much of her, and I end up just like this. Face down in a puddle of my own darkness. I don't know how to change that deep part of me. I don't even feel like I have the energy to try.
A week ago, I opened the door to let in the light. Life felt promising, like sunshine. I felt like I was making my way through the worst of it.
But these tears tell another story. The worst is either here right now, or it hasn't shown its face yet. Whatever the case, I feel like I'm drowning in my own desperation.