It's no secret that I am nutso in love with my husband. If you've read this blog for any amount of time, you've probably heard me confess my love thousands of times. It's a little something I like to do.
For us, marriage has always been pretty easy. Sure, we've had our disagreements and irritations and things of that nature, but on the whole, we have always been really damn solid. We love each other truly, madly, deeply, and all those other "ly" words. Our relationship has never felt like work. It's never been like, "damn, I gotta hang out with you?". Being together is just something we've always wanted.
Marriage isn't quite so easy with a baby in the house. Charlie, like all other babies, requires so much time and attention that by the end of the day, both of us are pretty worn out. We don't have a lot left after Charlie's gone to bed. But we still try to keep the love alive amongst all the dirty bottles and burp cloths.
One thing we do is try to have a date night once a month. When we do this, we usually stick with the ol' dinner and a movie, but it is surprisingly rejuvenating. Another thing we've started doing is watching some TV or a movie together after we've put Charlie down for the night. It's not always easy to make it through anything because of Charlie's constant night waking, but still, we are making the effort to just be together, just us, on the couch at night for at least an hour or so. Kind of like the way we were before Charlie was born, only so not the way we were before Charlie was born.
Everything is totally different now. And sometimes I miss our life the way it was. I never regret bringing Charlie into our lives, but I will say that marriage without a kid was easier. However, the things that are most worth it in life usually aren't easy.
Do I sound preachy? I don't know, I guess what happened is that I heard Roy laugh the other night when we were watching Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the the Were-Rabbit, and I was bowled over by the sound of it. I have always loved the way Roy laughs; it was nice to really hear it again. (Not that he hasn't been laughing, but because I've been in such a fog.) It's one of those little things that reminded me why I fell in love with him in the first place.
This morning I thought of the day Charlie was born and everything we went through to bring him into the world. That day was made up of a long series of some of my weakest and most vulnerable moments in the last ten years or so. The one person who stayed by my side through it all was Roy. He is the only reason I made it through that terrible ordeal. He was able to be strong for me when I couldn't be strong for myself. That, my friends, is love.
I am a lucky, lucky woman. I have a man who loves me and our son and our cats and our life. Who is my rock and my best friend. Who makes me want to be a better person. Who laughs and makes me fall in love with him all over again.
My pledge is to remember that long before there was Charlie, there was us. There was him, so unassuming and stoic and strong. There was me, so in love with him, writing this poem feverishly because I knew that I had found the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
In the blue shadows
of my room,
I woke to find you
next to me,
warm as gold.
I held you
and heard the rain
How fleeting it all is.
The early morning
will disappear with the sun;
the rain will shrink
back into clouds.
What remains is love.
The smoothness of your back,
the sleepy grasp of your hands,
your blue eyes reflecting oblivion.
I lie still, unable to breathe,
afraid to lose it all—
early morning, rain,
I love you, behbehs.