I am 25 weeks pregnant today.
Typing that out felt weird, because it wasn't all that long ago when I was 25 weeks pregnant the first time. I still sometimes trip out over the fact that I am pregnant again. You'd think after one baby, it all would become easier to believe - but it's not. It still doesn't feel real most of the time.
I guess you've probably noticed the lack of pregnancy posts this time around. Pregnancy is still as interesting as it ever was, but there's less time for navel-gazing when you spend every waking second of every day chasing a child around. I don't have much energy at the end of the day. I feel guilty sometimes, for this lack of introspection regarding this pregnancy, but it's not that the contemplation isn't happening - it's just not really being recorded. I do spend a lot of time thinking about the baby, wondering what he'll be like, wondering who he'll look like, wondering how Charlie will be as a big brother, and so on it goes. Mostly I just think about having two children instead of just one. One kiddo has made my life infinitely more complicated (and rich), so I just know that having two is going to kick my ass, at least for awhile.
I don't know how I will have the space in my heart for two kids. Charlie fills my heart to capacity, and I wonder what will happen when Burt Reynolds is born. Will I love one of them more than the other? Will Burt Reynolds feel that he is less loved/wanted because there is considerably less fanfare this time around?
I worry a lot about second child syndrome , being a second child myself. For years I had it in my head that my mom loved my brother more because he had a baby book and I didn't. Of course, as a child how could I have possibly understood what it is to be a parent? My mom always did her best. She didn't favor my brother over me; she just had more time to work on the damn baby book.
I just want this baby to have all the collected memories/photos/etc. that Charlie's had. I want him to have some things that are his instead of all hand-me-downs. Our living situation is so uncertain right now that I am not sure if he will even get a nursery, much less all the cool artwork that would go in it, and the piggy bank, and the quilt, and ....
This baby's not even born yet, and I already feel guilty.
Actually, I'm okay if he doesn't get a nursery. I am going to be breastfeeding (dammit! it will happen!) this time around, so we could very well end up co-sleeping. We are not buying another crib until we are sure he'll need one. I think we are even going to hold off on purchasing a double stroller as well - although I fear we are going to have to buy one of those eventually. One thing I've realized this past year is that babies really don't need all the stuff we think they do. They don't need tons of toys or clothes or anything like that. But I can't help but want him to have some special and meaningful things that are just for him. I am going to the fabric store this weekend to price some fabrics, as I really do want to make him a quilt like I did for Charlie.
I have really no desire to have a baby shower, at least not a traditional one like I had with Charlie. I loved my shower, but they are really for making sure the family gets some of the things they need for their baby. What I have been thinking about is a blessingway, which is more focused on providing support to the mother as she prepares for birth and for motherhood (again, in my case). The only thing is that it's normally kind of this spiritual thing, and I'm not a very spiritual person. I think that there's a good possibility that I may start telling penis jokes in the middle of this very solemn gathering. (Or what I perceive to be a solemn gathering, anyway.) I think I just want to get together with my friends and hear their words of support, or maybe I could just have them write me letters so I could have a keepsake or something. (Then we can tell penis jokes.) I have been feeling pretty confident about the birth lately, but that extra boost (and let's face it, just a little bit of fanfare) would be nice. Anyway, we'll see about all that.
What we are going to do is set up Charlie's room (which is our old bedroom) to accommodate two kiddos, but the changes won't be huge since there won't be a new crib, etc. I cleaned out the closet and am getting ready to go through the baby clothes and other items we have stored away. Once I know what we have (and in what sizes), then I'll know more about what we may need, and then we can go shopping. But really, with the exception of a few things, I think we'll probably be set.
It's interesting how different this pregnancy is and how my whole view has shifted. I spent a lot of time while I was pregnant with Charlie worrying about having everything we needed, having a stocked nursery, etc. Nothing wrong with that, but the focus is different this time. And I like it. Life takes us all kinds of unexpected places. For that, I am grateful.
For 25 weeks with my baby, I am so very grateful. I love him so much already.