July 20, 2010

Where I've Been

My inspiration to write comes and goes. Apparently it comes at 3:30 AM...

I've been cleaning. Working on the house. The goal is to visit every nook and cranny and throw out the chaos. This is my summer project, to be completed before October/November. There are random piles of crap everywhere, and it drives me just a little bit round the bend. The piles of crap are this thing both Roy and I seem to do. We like to make spaces so that our stuff has somewhere to go to die. We have too many little graveyards around our house. It's like we can't let go of all that dailyness. We can't send it off to have a swift and peaceful death. No, it's got to linger on, on the top of the bookshelf in our bedroom or one corner of the kitchen counter.

Our house, sometimes I wonder why I'm bothering with it at all. It's in the process of changing owners, and the new ones are family friends. We can stay but we may have to move. Because we may be looking at a rent increase. Which we can't afford, because....

We've been fretting over finances. Our financial situation is pretty bleak right now. I won't go into details, because they are gruesome. I've been trying not to worry. It's just green paper, right? Green paper that we've assigned some huge value to. And while on an existential level I know this is true, on another level, the one that wants to make it and someday be financially comfortable, it's a scary place to be, especially when expecting a new baby.

As long as we stick together, I know we'll be okay. (This is my new and cheesy mantra.)

I'm almost 25 weeks along now. I started a 24-week pregnancy post last week and then didn't get around to finishing it. Because I was tired. Because of the insomnia. Which has led to all kinds of back/neck/shoulder issues. Which have led to these wonderful things called tension headaches. My midwife took me off caffeine entirely, thinking that would help with the insomnia/muscle tension/etc. It hasn't. But fine, whatever, I'm fine with cutting out yet another bad habit. I did order a Prenatal Yoga DVD from Netflix, and I'm hoping that will solve all of my body's complaints. The beauty of Netflix is that I can keep the disc for as long as I want. I'll keep it until the end of my pregnancy, thank you very much.

Despite all that, my pregnancy is going well. Everything is proceeding normally, and we start our Bradley childbirth classes this week. I am getting weirdly excited and optimistic about the birth. It feels good to be here after such a long time in that other place.

I've been reading a lot. I have a whole bookshelf full of unread books, but when those offerings aren't too my liking, I go to the library and get something there. I've also been checking out CDs and then just adding them to my iTunes library. Like those piles of crap, they've just been sitting on my computer, much like all those CDs were hanging out around the house. I've figured out that I am a person who likes options. I like to collect things, like books and movies and CDs and lipgloss and post-its and body butter, so that I will have the freedom to choose something that suits my mood.

I found my engagement ring in a plastic baggie full of pens and pencils and paper clips. I put it back on my hand and instantly felt more glamorous. That is, until I went into Charlie's bedroom the other morning and found him with his diaper partially undone, playing with his own poop. Those glamorous feelings quickly went away as I found myself snatching it away holding my son's poop in my hand. I don't think I will ever really believe that this is my life, that I, who was once so anxiety-ridden about vomit and other bodily fluids, can matter-of-factly take poop out of her kid's hand (or once, when the situation totally called for it, pulled a dried booger out of his nose) and go on about her day as if nothing major has happened.

It's now 4 AM and I am completely starving. I guess poop talk will do that to a person. I have to go back to bed and try to get some sleep so I can function tomorrow. There are many, many things to be done, some of which will surely revolve around poop.


Amanda said...

This is my favorite blog post of yours. Seriously. I especially loved the poop part. I know, I'm weird.

amber said...

Life and its path is a funny thing. Hang in there.

Robyn said...

Have fun with the Bradley Classes!