31 weeks

I am 31 weeks pregnant today. Only nine more weeks to go until my due date. Yikes.



1) I had my 30 week appointment last week. We talked to my OB about birth plans, his C-section rate, and his views on induction. It felt weird to discuss these things because it really made me realize how close we are to the end of this pregnancy. I'm up 15 pounds, which is great, and my blood pressure is good. Charlie is active and has a great heartbeat. Things are looking wonderfully normal.

2) Our childbirth class is going well. I can't say that it has totally been worth the money so far, but I have learned a few things and gotten a good feel for the hospital I'll be delivering in. I am looking forward to having Friday nights free again. We actually skipped our class last week because we were both really tired. I don't know if we'll have the opportunity to make it up or not, but I don't know if either one of us really cares, either. I've said before that childbirth is not something I'm really scared of. I know we'll deal one way or another. I wish there was a class that deals with the emotional component of becoming a parent. That is something I could really use.

3) Charlie's room is completely painted and even has some furniture in it now. One of Roy's co-workers was nice enough to give us a dresser and a dresser/changing table combo. Both are in excellent shape. Check 'em out:




I'm looking forward to getting the nursery all set up. We should have more of an idea of what we'll need to buy after April 10, at which point we will have had two showers. We're definitely going to get his crib from Ikea, and I want to get a nice glider as well (if we have room).

Here's the crib we'll probably get:



I have no idea why people go apeshit crazy over cribs. Maybe I'm just a cheap mofo, but it doesn't make sense to me to spend a lot of money on a crib, hence the reason why we're buying Ikea's $100 crib.

4) I had two crowns put on this week. I have a couple of cavities that need to be filled, and I should hopefully be good to go until the baby is born. This is a good thing, because getting shots and X-rays really makes me feel horribly guilty. I know these things are technically "safe" for a growing baby, but I really wish I had gotten it all taken care of before I got pregnant. I feel like a horrible mother every time I get in the dentist's chair, even though I know I am doing the right thing by actually getting the work done instead of avoiding it for even longer.

The good news is I think that this has really changed the way I view going to the dentist. I used to avoid it like the plague (obviously), but now it makes absolutely no sense for me to do that again. I want to be as healthy as I can be. So regular dentist visits it is!

5) A resounding thank you goes out to all of you who responded to my recent emo post in one way or another. I got texts, emails, comments, etc. While I certainly hope I didn't guilt anyone into responding, it was really nice to read everyone's thoughts on the matter. If you want me to be honest, I cried. It makes a huge difference to know that I am not alone and that I'm not crazy for feeling this way. You guys rock, seriously.

Also, just in case any of you were wondering, that blog entry wasn't really directed at anyone who actually reads my blog. I try not to be passive-aggressive that way.

Life is so very strange, and it is odd how the most joyful of times also usually means that I have the tendency to feel extremely sad and lost. I experienced so much emotional turmoil while getting ready to be married; the process leading up to the actual wedding day really did change me. Pregnancy has been no different - well, I would say that it has been even more of an emotional clusterfuck for me.

With each gain in life, there seems to be a loss. And I think that's what's so hard. The gift of a child brings with it the knowledge that things will never be the same again. My body won't be the same. My marriage won't be the same. My relationships with others won't be the same. I'm not even sure if I'll be the same. But I keep reminding myself that all these changes aren't necessarily bad.

I have always wanted to have children - always. I knew it even when I was a child myself. As I got to be of child-bearing age, I was able to curb the urge because I wanted to have children with someone who I truly loved and who would be an amazing father. I never thought that I would actually meet someone as wonderful as Roy. I am continually surprised and delighted at the way my life has turned out so far. I wanted to be married to a good person who would be an awesome father; I wanted to be a part of a happy family; I wanted to be a confident and well-adjusted person. Things really have fallen into place for me, and this is huge considering that 10 years ago, I was a vastly underweight, chain smoking, deeply depressed woman-child and college dropout who couldn't see past her own fractured soul and made it a point to try on guys like they were underwear. It's good to know that we really are capable of changing for the better, because I would caution the girl I was against ever getting pregnant.

The truth is I'm so ready for this baby. And I'm so not ready. And that conflict I feel - well, it's there, but it's okay. Things are going to work out.

Thanks for being there. I got nothin' but love for all of you.

Horn Tootage, and Things I Love This Week

I feel the need to brag.

1) I finished my coursework for my Master's degree as of yesterday. Sadly, I won't be graduating any time soon, as completing the coursework is only part of the degree requirement. However, it's a huge part.

2) I wrote an article for Serendipity Magazine and a couple of weeks ago I received my complimentary copies for being a contributor. It is definitely the nicest magazine that my work has been in. It's a bridal magazine, which is so not my thing, but it's good to try new things.

3) A photo of mine was included in the Scavenger Project's book. This is not a big deal as I was guaranteed a spot for being a paying participant. They also spelled my last name wrong. Here's the photo they picked for the book:



I don't really like that photo. At all. Now I have no idea why I even submitted it. I like some of the others a lot better, which you can see here.

4) I've been writing a lot. Both on this blog and in my process scrapbook. I told you I had a lot to say!

And now, for things I love this week:

1) Daytrotter, a site that offers tons and tons of free music downloads of emerging musical artists. Yes, free!

2) This wall of books, seen here:



3) The fact that I am now on spring break. Next quarter there will be absolutely no classes to attend, just me and my thesis proposal/thesis. I'm excited to have a break and to get some work done on this final requirement for my MA.

What do you love this week? Do you have any horn tootage of your own to share?

The Invisible Woman

(Disclaimer: This blog entry is probably going to make me sound like a whiny little bitch, but I don't care. I need to get it out there.)

I think I'm invisible. I've noticed that people have stopped noticing me. I express my concerns and feelings and everyday thoughts, and they go largely ignored - by people who used to actually care, no less. Online I am a person who really doesn't seem to be worthy of communicating with anymore; in real life I am a living, breathing incubator and nothing more.

It's a weird place to be. I'm trying not to be offended by the way things have changed, but to be honest, lately I have been horribly lonely. I started feeling this way around mid-January, I think, and I have managed to keep it under control for the most part. I've been distracting myself with school and getting things done for The Big Change.

But earlier this evening I was walking around the halls at work. I was one of the last people there. Someone stopped to make note of how big my tummy is (as usual), and while we conversed about that (as usual), I was overcome by this really deep-seated feeling of panic. It was then that I realized how scared I am of The Big Change. I am scared to be a mother. I am scared of everything that will follow. I have no idea how my marriage will be affected, only that it will be. I have no idea how my relationships with friends and family will change, only that they will. I have no idea what will become of my dreams or goals or the Leslie who I am now, only that these things are bound to change as well.

And I just don't feel ready for this. I don't feel ready for any of it. As much as I love this little boy who is growing inside of me, I am absolutely frozen with fear. I am terrified.

I don't think anyone really understands, and if they do, they're not joining in on sharing the fears. And I hate that. I hate that there are these things that are left unsaid because maybe they aren't PC or "safe" to say. I just need to know that I'm not alone. Why isn't anyone else speaking up? And why do I get the feeling that many people just can't be bothered with me anymore? I feel completely abandoned.

I realize that I sound really overly dramatic, but this really is the way I feel. I feel like I have nothing to cling to anymore except everyone's expectations that I should be grateful that I'm pregnant at all. I feel like people have moved on from being a part of my life because they cannot relate to me anymore. In short, I feel that this pregnancy has come between me and quite a few people, and I know I am in a major adjustment period, and it really sucks right now.

For those of you who have continued to be a part of my life, online or unplugged, thanks so much for hanging in there with me. It seems that a lot of my blog readers have jumped ship, and that has affected me more than I'd like to admit (probably because it has come at a time when I am noticing that some in-real-life people can't seem to be bothered with me anymore). The truth is, a blog is a dialogue, and many people have stopped talking. It's hard to carry on a one-sided conversation. Thanks to those of you who do comment or who read at all. Thanks to all of you who check in with me or who even think about me at all, ever. Things haven't exactly been easy, and it's times like this when I really need people. (I'm a people person, so I need people anyway.) Your comments and emails and phone calls and texts and interactions really do matter.

I think I sound like an absolute basket case right now, but the truth is, this week has kind of sucked so far and I'm exhausted and feeling like I'm getting sick again. I hate our childbirth classes because they are so one-dimensional and are doing absolutely nothing to help me deal with the heightened emotions I feel. I hate the baby boards on the Nest, because they are full of women who just want to tear each other down. I hate that all people see when they look at me is a giant belly. When did I stop being a person? When did it become acceptable to stop asking me how I am? I feel like I am all alone on the world's biggest emo rollercoaster and I am sad and scared but trying to hang in there, because I know things are going to get better.

(Disclaimer, part two: All this that I've written here does not mean that I am not happy to be pregnant or that I don't want Charlie. It means that things are really flippin' complicated and scary right now and that it is possible to feel many different emotions at one time. We tried hard for this baby, and we are thrilled to know that he's coming. No matter how hard things get, I am so grateful for the blessings in my life.)

Anthem

Ever heard a song that felt like it was written especially for you?

I had one. It was my anthem. It came up randomly on my iPod this afternoon.

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street.
She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this?"
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place.
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might
She says "I pray oh But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place? "
Oh There's a loneliness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
Oh It'd take the work out of the courage
But she says "Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street
and the end of the world."
Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey

I'm not that girl anymore, and I don't know if I will ever have another anthem. But it's nice to know that I've moved from Grey Street to Love Street.

What is/was your anthem?

On friendship

I had no idea that friendship was weighing so heavily on my mind until last night during dinner. What started off as an off-the-cuff comment about friendship ended up being a pretty lengthy discussion with Roy.

I have to wonder about friendship sometimes. It seems more often than not to be a product of convenience. You make friends with people you go to school with or work with or whatever, and then circumstances change, and it seems that many friendships seem to kind of fizzle out.

That's been my experience, anyway. I have very few friends who have stuck around for the long haul.

As much as I wanted to delete my MySpace and facebook accounts, I was also kind of reluctant to do so. So many people only communicate with me via those sites (which is weird to me), and so deleting my accounts seemed very final to me, in a way. But I did it anyway, for reasons I already talked about.

It makes me wonder if these friendships tend to fizzle out because the mode of interaction isn't equally effective for both sides. For me, I love communicating through email, especially during work hours or when talking with someone long-distance. (Of course, email is second to talking in person.) But several friends I have (who are even in different time zones) just don't use email that much - or perhaps they just don't email me that much. However, they are/were great about leaving comments on MySpace or sending messages through MySpace, and that never really worked for me. I'm sure we could talk on the phone, but no one seems to be a big phone person anymore. It seems that I talk to voice mail so much more than I talk to an actual person on the phone. Thus there is this breakdown in communication, and it honestly feels that no one is to blame.

But still, it's sad. It's sad that friendships have to change. Someone that I used to talk to and see every day now has to be pestered to no end to have dinner with me once every six months. While I know she's busy (as am I), I also know that we only have the time if we make the time.

It feels like several of my friendships are in the process of changing, and that is never really easy to deal with, especially when the changes are unwanted. But I'm not sure what I expected. I've been in the middle of a big, huge, gigantic change since September, and things are only going to change more. It's only natural that it would affect my relationships.

Obviously, this is really bothering me since I'm up at 4:45 writing about it.

Today was a good day.

I am possessed by a force stronger than myself. I find myself thinking for hours about how to organize something. Nothing makes me happier than the thought of cleaning. I honestly feel that my life will be complete if everything is in order. It's all about Getting Things Done.

1) Last week my boss was on vacation. I decided to clean out his office - I asked him beforehand, of course. He's an attorney and a pack rat, so he saves everything. It took three days and the majority of my attention, but his office looked freaking spectacular when I was done. He came back today, and everyone approached him with trepidation. But he was thrilled with his freakishly clean office. It got the day started off right.

2) The nosy-ass admin who sits across the hall from me and habitually stares at me all day was absent today.

3) I managed to catch up on a lot of work that got neglected last week - plus some personal phone calls that I needed to make.

4) After work, I went out and bought birthday gifts for the cutest husband ever, who turns 30 next week.

5) Once I got home, we ate dinner and went through an intimidating pile of bills and other fun things. And then I cleaned and organized our home office.

And now I sit here with ice packs on my back. I'll relax in a warm bath with a book or magazine in a bit, have Roy give me a back massage after that, and then drift off in a sleep that will be characterized by lots of tossing and turning as I try to get comfortable - not to mention at least two trips to the bathroom.

Life is good.

It's time to start.

I've been absolutely itching lately to get started. I'm not sure what I want to start, only that I want to start. That I need to start. There's something I'm not doing that needs to be done. What is it?

***

I'm ready to move past my own mediocrity. I've produced and produced and produced, but hardly any of it has been worthwhile. It needs to be better. It can be better.

***

I make lists. The lists make me feel better. The lists make me feel like I have a purpose. The lists make me feel like I have done a good day's work if I cross everything off. But what happens when you forget to put the most important thing on your list?

***

I like to pretend that I contain wisdoms and truths, but then I end up looking elsewhere for both. Is it really a matter of trusting what's within?

***

I like life a lot better when there's less pressure. But without the pressure, I don't rise. I just deflate. How does one learn to thrive without that constant weight?

***

It's the first day of spring. New beginnings. Spring cleaning. Big things are just around the corner, this much I'm sure of.

***

I started writing again. And by writing, I mean I creaked open the door of our filing cabinet, dug through a pile of writing things, found my process scrapbook that I used during my internship last year, and began physically writing. Pen to paper. I thought that blogging was enough, but no, I was wrong. It's not enough. I need something more intimate and tangible.

And now I have it. Again.