31 weeks

I am 31 weeks pregnant today. Only nine more weeks to go until my due date. Yikes.



1) I had my 30 week appointment last week. We talked to my OB about birth plans, his C-section rate, and his views on induction. It felt weird to discuss these things because it really made me realize how close we are to the end of this pregnancy. I'm up 15 pounds, which is great, and my blood pressure is good. Charlie is active and has a great heartbeat. Things are looking wonderfully normal.

2) Our childbirth class is going well. I can't say that it has totally been worth the money so far, but I have learned a few things and gotten a good feel for the hospital I'll be delivering in. I am looking forward to having Friday nights free again. We actually skipped our class last week because we were both really tired. I don't know if we'll have the opportunity to make it up or not, but I don't know if either one of us really cares, either. I've said before that childbirth is not something I'm really scared of. I know we'll deal one way or another. I wish there was a class that deals with the emotional component of becoming a parent. That is something I could really use.

3) Charlie's room is completely painted and even has some furniture in it now. One of Roy's co-workers was nice enough to give us a dresser and a dresser/changing table combo. Both are in excellent shape. Check 'em out:




I'm looking forward to getting the nursery all set up. We should have more of an idea of what we'll need to buy after April 10, at which point we will have had two showers. We're definitely going to get his crib from Ikea, and I want to get a nice glider as well (if we have room).

Here's the crib we'll probably get:



I have no idea why people go apeshit crazy over cribs. Maybe I'm just a cheap mofo, but it doesn't make sense to me to spend a lot of money on a crib, hence the reason why we're buying Ikea's $100 crib.

4) I had two crowns put on this week. I have a couple of cavities that need to be filled, and I should hopefully be good to go until the baby is born. This is a good thing, because getting shots and X-rays really makes me feel horribly guilty. I know these things are technically "safe" for a growing baby, but I really wish I had gotten it all taken care of before I got pregnant. I feel like a horrible mother every time I get in the dentist's chair, even though I know I am doing the right thing by actually getting the work done instead of avoiding it for even longer.

The good news is I think that this has really changed the way I view going to the dentist. I used to avoid it like the plague (obviously), but now it makes absolutely no sense for me to do that again. I want to be as healthy as I can be. So regular dentist visits it is!

5) A resounding thank you goes out to all of you who responded to my recent emo post in one way or another. I got texts, emails, comments, etc. While I certainly hope I didn't guilt anyone into responding, it was really nice to read everyone's thoughts on the matter. If you want me to be honest, I cried. It makes a huge difference to know that I am not alone and that I'm not crazy for feeling this way. You guys rock, seriously.

Also, just in case any of you were wondering, that blog entry wasn't really directed at anyone who actually reads my blog. I try not to be passive-aggressive that way.

Life is so very strange, and it is odd how the most joyful of times also usually means that I have the tendency to feel extremely sad and lost. I experienced so much emotional turmoil while getting ready to be married; the process leading up to the actual wedding day really did change me. Pregnancy has been no different - well, I would say that it has been even more of an emotional clusterfuck for me.

With each gain in life, there seems to be a loss. And I think that's what's so hard. The gift of a child brings with it the knowledge that things will never be the same again. My body won't be the same. My marriage won't be the same. My relationships with others won't be the same. I'm not even sure if I'll be the same. But I keep reminding myself that all these changes aren't necessarily bad.

I have always wanted to have children - always. I knew it even when I was a child myself. As I got to be of child-bearing age, I was able to curb the urge because I wanted to have children with someone who I truly loved and who would be an amazing father. I never thought that I would actually meet someone as wonderful as Roy. I am continually surprised and delighted at the way my life has turned out so far. I wanted to be married to a good person who would be an awesome father; I wanted to be a part of a happy family; I wanted to be a confident and well-adjusted person. Things really have fallen into place for me, and this is huge considering that 10 years ago, I was a vastly underweight, chain smoking, deeply depressed woman-child and college dropout who couldn't see past her own fractured soul and made it a point to try on guys like they were underwear. It's good to know that we really are capable of changing for the better, because I would caution the girl I was against ever getting pregnant.

The truth is I'm so ready for this baby. And I'm so not ready. And that conflict I feel - well, it's there, but it's okay. Things are going to work out.

Thanks for being there. I got nothin' but love for all of you.